Jokes and Funny Stories

A priest and a Rabbi are driving through downtown. They see a young boy walking down the street. The Priest says "Should we pick him up and f*ck him?" The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"

 

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This is an illogical question since it never happens. They always have an audience. And they don't lie either! What is your name? We might be able to get you on a technicality.

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Q; What are the differences between A Whore, a Prostitute and a Wife? A; A Whore says "Is it in yet?" - A Prostitute says "Are you done yet?" - A Wife says "Grey, I think the ceiling should be painted Grey!"

 

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Okay, here is a question for the ladies. If a man is alone in the forest and there is no one around to hear anything he says or any means to record it and he is talking to himself - is he still wrong?

 

Q; What is the difference between Ignorance and Indifference? A; Don't know and don't care!

 

LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

 

LITTLE JOHNNY AND WORMS
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

 

LUCKY JOHNNY

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

 

Q; How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A; Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change!

 

LOL.....

Conversely, such example might be the only time he is right, and no one around to bear witness, save maybe the bears.

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Out of habit?

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(Definition: (religion) a distinctive attire (as the costume of a religious order)

 

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us, in 10 years."

He said, "That's a mirror, stupid."

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Okay, a super easy joke; What does a sexually satisfied woman say?

 

Gifts

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring
for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift,
a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one
of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where the hell
was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 

For The Birds

A woman went to her priest with a problem.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only
know how to say one thing. All they ever say
is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'
" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But
I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house, and I will put them with my
two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read
the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots
to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your
female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female
parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots
were holding rosary beads and quietly praying
in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots
in the cage with the male parrots. The females
said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some
fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed, "Put those beads away,
our prayers have been answered!"

 

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

 

Q: how many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: oh, go on, go out with your fancy friends,don't mind me, I'll just sit here, alone, in the dark...*sob*

 

A chineese gent walked into a bank to convert his chineese currancy to
aussie dollars and on the first day the teller gave him $100 for his money.
The Chinaman returned the next day with the same amount of chineese money
and this time the teller gives him $80.00. The chinaman got somewhat
confused and asked the teller why he got less money for the same amount.

The teller politley replied that it was due to fluctuations.

The Chinaman stood there for some minutes and got quite mad. He yelled at
the teller:

"Well Fluc you aussies too !"

 

Fallen seeks something to raise

Two prostitutes were riding around town with
a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES
-- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
and told them they'd either have to remove the
sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with
a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you
don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop
smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the
area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

 

Facts of female life

The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd
babies.

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes
as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because
you remember that last time, breathing didn't
do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th
month.