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Thread: History according to university students

  1. #1

    Smile History according to university students

    Just for fun, here are some actual extracts from student essays and exam papers. The students were studying introductory university History courses.

    These extracts are compiled in a book by Prof. Anders Henriksson titled "Non Campus Mentis", which I highly recommend that you buy.

    --------

    "History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives incite into the anals of the past."

    "Civilisation woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. This tended to make the people nervous."

    "Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egpyt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez canal."

    "Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face."

    "The Greeks were important at culture and science. Many Greek ideas have noodled down through history and still influense us here today."

    "Cesar inspired his men by stating 'I came, I saw, I went'. When he was assinated, he is reported to have said 'Me too, Brutus!'"

    "Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

    "During the Middle Ages everyone was middle aged. People lived in or near the soil. Most were kept busy sewing the crops. Surfs were dentured and bonded to the ground. In times of crisis the serfs would seek refuse in the lord's castle."

    "Medieval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone."

    "After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside."

    "As queen, Elizabeth was the foremost monarch of the Elizabethan era. In 1588 she calmed her soldiers during a Spanish attack by assuring them that she shared a stomach with her father."

    "Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll!"

    "The Catholic church sold indulgences as a form of remission control. Luthar was into reorientation mutation. An angry Martin Luther nailed ninety-five theocrats to a church door. The Pope's response was to declare Luther hereditary."

    "Witch hunts erupted in countries such as Germany, England, Scotland and Salem. The victim profile was older post-marsupial women unable to bare children. Those arrested were torchured until they told a story. The worst of this could be the rack or burning with hot porkers. Some unfortunate women were made to endure the public duckling stool."

    "King James Stuart Charles I was beheaded in 1649 and restored with his family several years later."

    "The Scientific Revolution developed a suppository of knowledge which greatly helped later generations. Copernicus showed that the solar system rotates around the earth. Galileo was condemned for following the Copernican theory and was forced by the Church to study mechanics for the rest of his life. Sir Isaac Newton invented the newton."

    "Yorktown was sight of Robert E. Lee's greatest victory. Washington defeated the Allies at Gettysberg. He was the first and only president to be elected anonymously by the Electoral College. Thomas Jefferson was president, founder of the University of Virginia, and author of the Decoration of Independence."

    "The industrial revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories."

    "In 1887 and surrounding years it was unheard of to openly express yourself in private. Sex in this period was a very quiet ordeal."

    "Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar, and full of reality. German unity was acheaved by William I coupling with Bismark. After several hurtful convulsions he culminated to power as the first Geyser of Germany."

    "The Civil War began in 1830. Many soldiers repeatedly gave their lives for their country."

    "Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Art plopped off the deep end and sailed up the creek without a paddle. Cubism, splatterism etc. became the rage."

    "Friedrich Nietzsche was a German movie producer who wrote triumph of the will and Superman."

    "The Russian revolution of 1905 began about 1907."

    "World War I broke out around 1912-1914. The deception of countries to have war and those who didn't want one led the countries of Europe and the world to an unthinkable war which became thinkable."

    "Military technology progressed with ideas such as guns which would shoot generally straight. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people anymore, but friends. After fighting in the trenches, the soldiers became close, no matter what their social standards. Men on both sides would have gotten to know each other much better if they didn't have to wear uniforms. When peace broke out the men excitedly relieved themselves wherever they were."

    "Germany was morbidly excited and unbalanced. The Wiener Republic was nobody's ticket to democracy. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised."

    "Hitler re-militarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Nazi Germany and Italy agreed to the Pact of Steal. Thus was formed the alliance between the Anxious Powers."

    "The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg". The French huddled up and threw sneers at the Germans. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main US base in southern California. American sailors watched in shock as the sky filled with Japanese zebras."

    "Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six-Minute War. President Eisenhower resorted to the bully pool pit. John F. Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis."

    "History grundled onward. International relationships moved to the broodle stage."

    "East and West made mends with each other. The Berlin Mall was removed. Many Eastern Europeans experienced a new form of arousal at this time."

    "It is now the age of now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt."

    --------

    You couldn't make this stuff up!


  2. #2
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James R View Post
    "The industrial revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories."
    That would be a significant problem.

    I'm saving these for future reference.

  3. #3
    uniquely dreadful S.A.M.'s Avatar
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    Couldn't even finish the list, let alone buy the book.

    Since when is ignorance a point of view?

  4. #4
    All aboard, me Hearties! Captain Kremmen's Avatar
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    Very Funny. I like these two best.

    Quote Originally Posted by James R View Post

    "The industrial revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories."

    "The Russian revolution of 1905 began about 1907."

  5. #5
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James R View Post
    "The Berlin Mall was removed. Many Eastern Europeans experienced a new form of arousal at this time."
    Yup, shopping gets women in the mood...

  6. #6
    Valued Senior Member
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    Ah, History...just one damn thing happening after another...and then 50-60 years later, people getting totally confused about it... BTW, has anybody read '1066 and all that'?

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by S.A.M. View Post
    Couldn't even finish the list, let alone buy the book.

    Since when is ignorance a point of view?
    Sorry, SAM, but this requires what we call a sense of humour.

    Don't worry about it.

  8. #8
    uniquely dreadful S.A.M.'s Avatar
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    Okay.

  9. #9
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xylene View Post
    BTW, has anybody read '1066 and all that'?
    Sellar & Yeatman.
    Should be compulsory reading.

  10. #10
    Actually, to "get" the OP requires a reasonable knowledge of English and also some knowledge of history. It might be a good exercise to see if people can point out the mistakes in the quotes from the students.

    If you're going to do this, I suggest that each poster handles just ONE of the quotes, leaving the rest for others.

    I'll start.

    "History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives incite into the anals of the past."
    History is the study of the past. Records are primary historical sources, but not history itself. History didn't start in 1815, of course. Things happened before then.

    But the conjunction of "the behind of the present" and the "anals of the past" is the really funny thing here. The first expression is clumsy and suggests the bum of the present, and the second one amazingly does the same thing. The student meant the "annals of the past", of course.

  11. #11
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    "The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg". The French huddled up and threw sneers at the Germans. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main US base in southern California. American sailors watched in shock as the sky filled with Japanese zebras."

    "the by-pass" is nice, although it should read "the Germans by-passed", there wasn't exactly a road system through the forest at Sedan.
    It was, of course, the Maginot Line, but again "marginal" is an apt slip.
    Blitzkrieg, not "Blintz" (I have it on Google's authority that blintz is a type of crepe).
    I like the idea of the French huddling and throwing sneers - I can't dispute that
    The Japanese bombed, rather than boomed, Pearl harbour, which as far as I'm aware was actually in Hawaii at the time. Possibly moved later to make the weather better for the movie...
    And I really do love the image of Japanese Zebras filling the skies, but "unfortunately" they were more likely to be Zeroes (Mitsubishi A6M naval fighter aircraft), Kates (Nakajima B5N) and Vals (Aichi D3A).
    Last edited by Oli; 07-08-09 at 10:58 PM.

  12. #12
    bah
    is james dissing americans again?

  13. #13
    Who said these were American students? It is interesting that you think that they were, though.

  14. #14
    james i hope your point wasnt the spelling errors because not everyone can help that.

    the factual errors are face palm's (bells, little help here) though

    "christianty was a cult till christ was born" *face palm*

  15. #15
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    "Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six-Minute War. President Eisenhower resorted to the bully pool pit. John F. Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis."

    I'm not going to critique this one since I've already done one, but there actually was a Canadian Missile Crisis, although not the same type of crisis as the one meant in this instance (not giving any clues as to what was meant ).

  16. #16
    um they ran out of missiles?

  17. #17
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    Didn't even get that far...

  18. #18
    Two words, West Virginia.

    I think that says it all.

  19. #19
    nothing really matters chris4355's Avatar
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    lol show me more

  20. #20
    Heute der Enteteich... Oli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joepistole View Post
    Two words, West Virginia.
    I think that says it all.
    Not to non-Americans it doesn't.

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