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Thread: Best Summary Of Christianity Ever

  1. #1

    Best Summary Of Christianity Ever

    The Plan of Salvation

    ( by Mageth )

    God himself created man and woman and placed them in a garden, in ďhis own imageĒ, but got righteously angry at them when they ate, against his wish, and after being tempted by a talking serpent that god himself had somehow allowed to slither about in the garden, a tasty, beautiful fruit, though he himself had placed it there but neglected to instill in his creations the knowledge of good and evil so that they would know it was wrong to eat it. Being omniscient, of course, he knew all this before he started, but was apparently unable to do anything about it because he had planned it this way from the beginning, and apparently god cannot change anything he already knows, in spite of the fact that heís omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent.

    Later, God himself impregnated a virgin so that he himself could be born a human, a ManGod. This was necessary, apparently, because only his own ManGod blood could appease himself and deliver humans, who he created, and who he knew would muck things up by eating the fruit, from his own righteous anger.

    Of course, he waited several thousand years to implement this divine plan, in the meantime taking the righteous action of drowning every creature on the planet except a few he could stuff on a boat. Not to mention handing down a Law that served to further condemn every one of us, and in which Law he himself had them frequently sacrifice animals to appease himself, though he knew the blood of animals didnít really appease himself.

    Much later, god, in a garden, prayed to himself to ďtake this cupĒ away from himself, though he himself knew that he himself had planned the coming events from the beginning and knew that not even he himself could save himself, even though he was god and omnipotent, omniscient, etc. Accepting this, he said, in effect, ďNot my will, but my will.Ē

    God then sacrificed himself to himself to save us from himself. (or had himself sacrificed; not much of a distinction between the two, really) Before dying, he himself asked he himself why he had forsaken himself.

    He himself, being dead, then raised himself from the dead less than 40 hours later, though he himself had said heíd be dead for three days and three nights, which he could do because he was still alive, and later he himself pulled himself up into heaven where he himself apparently already was, and where he himself is described as now sitting at the right hand of himself.

    He himself then sent himself (or a ghost of himself, if you please) back to earth to be a comfort to us, though he himself is still sitting at the right hand of himself.

    And, glory hallelujah, he himself promised that he himself will return someday, though he himself is already here, and will still be there, to snatch up those who believe the god blood sacrifice story he himself told us, and kill the rest of us who donít believe the god blood sacrifice story, no matter how nice we were otherwise. But, since killing us isnít enough to appease his righteousness, he himself will then judge us, though according to ManGod he himself will also not judge us, and being a god of love will cast most of us into hell for an eternity of suffering. He has to, of course, because he is a righteous, just god, and canít figure out a way to save anyone who hasnít been redeemed by god-blood, even though he is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent, and loves us all
    .
    http://scaryreasoner.wordpress.com/2...stianity-ever/

  2. #2
    It is very dry in here today PsychoticEpisode's Avatar
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    3,452
    Pretty good, love a good laugh. It's always funny when you try and make sense of nonsense, which by the way is the job of theologians the world over.

  3. #3
    A bit disappointing. I prefer my satire and theological arguments free of strawmen.

  4. #4
    I liked it

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Pete View Post
    A bit disappointing. I prefer my satire and theological arguments free of strawmen.
    It's a summary & satire. No need to be perfect.
    It is free of strawmen.

  6. #6
    That's about it! Good job.

  7. #7
    i have to say with my obvious limited mental capacity i did end up getting a bit confused!!!

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Zakariya04 View Post
    i have to say with my obvious limited mental capacity i did end up getting a bit confused!!!
    Just have faith, God will reveal everything in time.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Zakariya04 View Post
    i have to say with my obvious limited mental capacity i did end up getting a bit confused!!!
    If that confuses you, The Holy Babble itself must have you befuddled & bewildered.

  10. #10

    Best Summary Of Christianity Ever

    Perhaps because some people are classified in more than one group all the Church groups combined have about 105% of the total. This is probably why the numbers do not add up to 100%. Below I explain the figures in more detail and explain how I came up with the figures above.

    The figures on this page and my summary of world relgious membership statistics are from David Barrett's World Christian Encyclopedia, the standard source of religious membership statistics. I hope this provides a more reasonable grouping of Christian churches, emphasizing which churches are most similar in theology.

  11. #11
    In search of Immortality Cris's Avatar
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    Nice. :-)

    Very well said.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by billadam View Post
    Perhaps because some people are classified in more than one group all the Church groups combined have about 105% of the total. This is probably why the numbers do not add up to 100%. Below I explain the figures in more detail and explain how I came up with the figures above.

    The figures on this page and my summary of world relgious membership statistics are from David Barrett's World Christian Encyclopedia, the standard source of religious membership statistics. I hope this provides a more reasonable grouping of Christian churches, emphasizing which churches are most similar in theology.
    The problems with church membership statistics isn't an unknown one and has be variously discussed by sociologists and anthropologists in the past. I'm thinking in particular of several studies I've encountered in the Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion. I'd be interested in seeing your numbers and reading of your methodology in more detail, but I did have one question:

    How is this on-topic with the OP?

  13. #13
    heckle the snobs scifes's Avatar
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    i couldn't go past the first two paragraphs..Christianity has to be better than this..

    but seeing how i see it so full of non sense..i wonder if others see my belief so too..

  14. #14
    -=-

    Christianity has to be better that but you see it as full of nonsense. That's nonsense right there. Make up your mind.

    Of course, Muslims think Christianity is nonsense & Christians think Islam is nonsense yet neither applies the same reasoning to their own beliefs. Baptists think Catholics are full of it & vice versa. Same with Muslim sects. Then factor in Judaism, Hinduism, etc.

  15. #15
    heckle the snobs scifes's Avatar
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    Question

    Quote Originally Posted by StrangerInAStrangeLa View Post
    -=-

    Christianity has to be better that but you see it as full of nonsense. That's nonsense right there. Make up your mind.
    i agree, i had a longer post but deleted it.

    Christianity has less nonsense than in the OP for people to follow it as they do.
    Of course, Muslims think Christianity is nonsense & Christians think Islam is nonsense yet neither applies the same reasoning to their own beliefs. Baptists think Catholics are full of it & vice versa. Same with Muslim sects. Then factor in Judaism, Hinduism, etc.
    no, that is why people convert.

  16. #16
    -=-

    Christianity has much more nonsense than in the OP. People following it is no indication of the level of nonsense.

  17. #17
    heckle the snobs scifes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StrangerInAStrangeLa View Post
    -=-

    Christianity has much more nonsense than in the OP. People following it is no indication of the level of nonsense.
    that's another issue..

    if the majority of humanity are wrong about something..can you really say that thing is wrong?

    how does nonsense becomes nonsense?by whose standards?

    whose sense are you talking about? is it your sense? the scientist's sense?

    what about the majority's sense?

    lol

  18. #18
    -=-

    You believe the majority is always correct?

  19. #19
    heckle the snobs scifes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StrangerInAStrangeLa View Post
    -=-

    You believe the majority is always correct?
    "usually"

    and that usually-independant of other factors- is proportional to the intensity of the "majority"..

  20. #20
    -=-

    If the majority of humanity is wrong about something do you say they're wrong?

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