edit; below is an e mail to a friend you are welcome to not read it. i had posted it for more entertianment value and interesting discoruse than to show it as some form of idea. however it is it alone that invovles the discussion.. Hi . You've told me before and in the past to describe some of what I feel it is that is my dying sensations. Well at the present I am going to give you a little something similar to that. Because at the present I feel like my body , that there one single point that I have described to you before and in the past. If you were really aware of how I was typing you'd have noticed that when I'd typed that one word, in the sentence, That there one single point that I have described to you before and... That sentence Well I dare say. It feels almost like the spark of my life. The actual source of life that is keeping me kicking. So, it's like something that if it goes away or something, then I die. I can feel it in my head (brain or whatever) and in my feet and bottom of heels and in shoulders and teeth / mouth. It is so incredibly scary because I feel my existence almost evaporating or something.. That's not fair. Sometimes of late when I go to rest, I am struggling with those sit ups that I had did that one time to survive as you told me the power thing "I knew you'd make it"... Well that issue with the body although perhaps entirely secure at the time is going up and down and into my body in all sorts of weird ways! I swear, I don't know what to do about it. I tell myself usually the best advice and my instincts are pretty good. But when I feel this: Typing that sentence I felt a sudden jabbing sensation in my finger of sorts. It lasted for about ... [and just now again in my toes, sifting up into my body again as a sort of relief and then feeling odd as if who knows exactly what] ..a few seconds. And it was sort of painful or something. That could be good news considering, the fact that in the past I have had the experience of allowing my mother to slice her self with a knife ina very cut throate edged way. She said the exact thing that was in my mind. She said that it felt like she almost cut her finger off. Do you know how bad that made me feel. I am sure you can understand. Iching my hair I feel that sensation and then I leave it alone as I know that there is no way that I can actually make a correct form o contact with it. SO I Just scratched it, and then leave it alone, and then have another ache in my body that is at almost the center of me. You told me in the past that I was fighting my true self I do not know if this is related or not but you did say to let it go which appears nearly impossible at this moment in time. I went over to my grandmothers and I was half in shock and half in terror and half in relief walking around sort of happy that I have regained a previous self functioning level that was relatively satisifable but felt again that I would have to go back to the hospital again due to my severe near sighted crippleness. Sometimes I get really upset about it but I can't really do anything about it. Sometimes I think that I actually can dos omething about it that I am probably just in one hell of a lot of anxiety. If this is the way that I'm going to go then that's fucking a total waste and disappointment of someone who like you said deserves much more. Hell. I had a time here with my friends here today. It was decent they thought that I was normal and you were right about a few things, that the people do not recognize nearly AT ALL the impact or whatever that the psychic realm plays. They don't understand subconscious sometimes they have the desire to kill me or someone else that they are talking to as in literal; that person does not exist except as a nothing of a sort where they will just snap their neck for 'some reason' out of fear or something, who knows, that they have total and utter and complete power over that presence or that existence in front of them, and that they quite simply can obliterate them. Has a lot to do with the positioning I guess of the persons body and stuff. Shit that I like to forget about. Shit that I would concieve as a normal experience. But it isn't really normal is it. [continued] Apparently this girl is upset with me pretty badly. She despises for some strange reason the fact that I often times get worried that she is mad at me. She is also pregnant and says that her and the baby cannot handle the stress. She's too cute, my friend. But she doesn't' understand how I feel. So I wrote here a message using myspace. She hasn't got back to me yet, but it is my wish that she writes something pleasurable and gives me at least a second shot. It would truly be a horrible agony (I was about to say eppiphany) if I were to die without here knowing that I have died, or some of the other people that I have met, or, if I just disappear and that no one knows that I have actually died. First, the fuckers steal all my playstation 3 games and then the fuckers steal my playstation 3. FInally the fuckers steal me. Wow. RIght after we had sugh a great time today cleaning up the house and talking back and fourth in relative comfort with momentary completely normal feeling powere elapses and such feelings. I honestly believe that my body is far too weak to really do too much of anything at the time. Some times, I do wonder. Of course looking at that cute puppy makes things seem at least a little more pleasant. The utter feelings of loss. I can begin only, to describe them. But I feel more like ... Going to sleep now that I feel that I have a more situated situation with my sleep behavior. As if it is relatively comforting if I can just get a moments time of peace. Took a bath, oh the shame there, the body issues and total feelings of loss ijust mentionend. [continued, and comments:] Is there a such thing as "the source of power is." The source of life is. Of course. However is this parapsychologicial, or, has it been uncovered in psychology/neuroscience (as if it matters, it is still something of a bit of confusion)..... and.... What if psi (the parapsychologicial aspects) is actually a reality more than we understand. What if by some chance that there is more to controling experiences that are infact psychic. Is this simply body language. The ultimate criticism. Or, is there more to it. My opinion of course after experiencing things far worse is that yes, there is far more to it actually. Of course, to understand it at this level is insightful however it is frightening as well. One can only speak from their experience.. And... what if infact there is telepathy; due to the idea that telepathy involves what is considered extra sensory/mind reading from long distances (not body language) and the inmeshment of the individual into other minds and view points from across the world is actually theo nly reailty there is and is not mentioned by science? Is it by any chance possible that psychic experiences and such are best left in the governments hands (not saying or never did say that they exist in their hands at the present). Perhaps such knowledge of the scientific world / philosophical mindest is totally oblivoius. Or is it just poor deluded crippled bastard who has mannaged a near normal functioning who is wrong. I'll let you find the answer to that one on your own if it is possible to comprehend the writing style...
