A Message From John Cleese To The Citizens Of The United States Of America

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Asguard, Mar 7, 2008.

  1. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    PB found this last night on another forum she frequents and i wanted to post it here

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    A MESSAGE FROM JOHN CLEESE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem: God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French Fries' are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    God save the Queen. only He can.
     
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  3. draqon Banned Banned

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    one hissy gentleman
     
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  5. draqon Banned Banned

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    The Mob and the CIA

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  7. Hercules Rockefeller Beatings will continue until morale improves. Moderator

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  8. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    HR its a JOKE

    Of course its fake

    I cant belive you looked for it

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  9. Hercules Rockefeller Beatings will continue until morale improves. Moderator

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    I didn't have to look for it. I'm a regular reader of Snopes; I remembered that Snopes debunked this soon after it started doing the email rounds.
     
  10. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    its funny though

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    If i said "why did the chicken cross the road?" would you have gone looking for a souce that proved it DIDNT cross the road???

    Whoever DID write its its qute funny so i posted it, never said that the english WERE going to take over the US (all though if they did it would be a good thing

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    )
     
  11. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    Ahh.. minor addendum to OP: U.S citizens will no longer have their senses of humo(u)r surgically removed at birth.
    Word plays, puns and double entendres will henceforth be encouraged. The whistling sound created previously as these sailed overhead shall no longer be mistaken as incoming terrorist missiles.
    Peace shall reign.
     
  12. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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  13. Killjoy Propelling The Farce!! Valued Senior Member

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    Posted HERE ages ago.

    Like... yawnsville, baby.
     
  14. draqon Banned Banned

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    exactly, just like I was saying...this has been all known before. fake fake fake
     
  15. Killjoy Propelling The Farce!! Valued Senior Member

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    At least I had a spiffy rejoinder even back then...

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  16. iceaura Valued Senior Member

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    re # 12: The character played by Andie Macdowell in Four Weddings And A Funeral was an American.

    She was cast for the part, not for her (in-character) inability to speak with an English accent, but for her wooden body language and facial beauty, with consequent believability as someone pretty enough to attract rich men and whore all over Europe with dynamic partners while so incapable of having fun that Hugh Grant can provide her with peak experiences.

    Which the actual John Cleese would have noticed.
     
  17. joepistole Deacon Blues Valued Senior Member

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    Unfortunately, if we keep outsourcing our defense to China and the Europeans, we will no longer be a super power. I think maybe, we do need the intervention of the HRM.
     
  18. scorpius a realist Valued Senior Member

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    LBJ obviously,who as a vice president wanted to become the prez,so arranged to have him whacked.
    dont you Limeys watch Sopranos?

    politics in a way is a cuthroat biz just like mobsters
    Queen can blow me!
     
  19. draqon Banned Banned

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    you are into grandma's sagging breasts?

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    uke:
     

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