BLONDES FIRST DEGREE >A married couple were asleep when the phone rang >at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, >listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles >from here!" and hung up. >The husband said, "Who was that?" > >The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know >if the coast is clear." > > >SECOND DEGREE >Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the >sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror >and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." > >The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" > >So, the first blonde hands her the compact. > >The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" > > >THIRD DEGREE >A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and >buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the >door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really >angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is >overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. > >The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" > >The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" > > >FOURTH DEGREE >A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. >She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all." > >A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" > >The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W." > > >FIFTH DEGREE >Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? >A: "Is it mine?" > > >SIXTH DEGREE >Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US >Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what >Roe vs. Wade was about. > >Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision >George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." > > >SEVENTH DEGREE >Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house >ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and >reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, >and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. > >As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde >ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then >sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come >home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do >they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" > > >OK now, forward this to someone else who needs a laugh today!
SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work 1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. 3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. 4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. 5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. 6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... 7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb. 8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. 9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. ·A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?' Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.' Jose says 'No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.' Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say?' Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.'
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Deer Park Refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants Having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of The questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest But we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both Got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct Answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer Be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." you put down, "Neither do I."
