My girlfriend has always bent over backwards for her mum since she was a child. Yet her mum has never shown an interest or shown her love, this really has been a major issue. My g/f is now a very successful soon to be doctor in an equal successful long term relationship. But she still have many issue from her past to resolve. One thing that she craves is to have a mother (as in someone who acts like a mother) which she knows is never going to happen. However, is there any schemes whereby you could befriend a mother figure? Has anyone heard of anything like this? We live in the UK. Any help her would be great.
why not pa a visit to one of these rest houses that watch over old people... there are usually lots of mums/grandmums there in desperate need for some love and attention... it can do wonders for their health and disposition
When I was in brownies, we did that. We adopted a grandparent. Not at a care home, but at a retirement community. I think its a very good idea.
Doesn't your girlfriend have any auntie or other female relative, who would be like a mother figure for her. Its a shame that her mum doesn't care and isn't proud of her, coz i think most people who kill (well not kill) for a daughter like her.
Geez, tell her to suck it up and get back into the game of life. God, I'm so fuckin' sick of people having such fucked up "problems" ...if our forefathers had so many fuckin' issues, none of us would even be here! I can just see a big, hairy caveman slumping against the cave wall whinning about his mommy not lovin' him, and that's why he's not a good hunter! Suck it up, Dammit, life ain't just about YOU. Millions of little kids in the world are starving to death as we speak, yet you think a successful doctor has problems? Oh, geez, gimme a break! Baron Max
It would seem the "issue" would be her moms because her mom has the problem not your GF. Once your GF realises that she is going to be a much better person and very happy too. We can only change ourselves and only hope that others we love will change to fit our needs. Sometimes life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want but sometimes, with your love, she can get what she needs. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Max I think you will find that my g/f will contribute far more to society than you ever will, so she has handled her problems well. In fact it is amazing that she has come from a highly dysfunctional working class family to achieve so much and she has only just started. Not a day goes by where she does not struggle to do the thing that on the surface she does so well, but she does them anyway. So no Max she has never used her social anxiety or eating disorder or any of her problems to hold her back but life can be very difficult for her. Max sound like you don't understand the power of a mothers bond, would you like to talk about your relationship with your mother?
Varda thats a good idea and maybe an option but the danger here is that she already spent her life looking after her mother who did not even take responsibility for herself. So it could end up in a caring for someone else role all over again. But maybe the retirement community idea from orleander might work. Deathfromabove she does have one aunt but the problem is she would have to explain all of this to her. I have already tried to talk to her about issues and got nowhere. It seems that people don't understand and are not willing to take the time to understand. Cosmic you are very correct in your words and she has come so far in her recovery and given time I know for a fact she will beat this. Overall here I guess that the biggest problem in trying to find a mother type relationship is that even if someone would set up a scheme it would be abused by people who would want to prey on potentially vulnerable adults. Which is a shame, as I think something like that could benefit a lot of people especially Max Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I don't understand this. If she came thus far, accomplished so much without her mother's help, why does she need that now, or at all? In her case, that craving for a mother figure strikes me as a spourious fancy, an indulgence.
One either had a good mother, or one didn't. And that's it, fortunately or unfortunately. Seeking substitutes doesn't really work in the long run. I'm sure your gf could benefit from a relationship with an older person - but it should be a relationship with that older person, that older person should not be treated as a substitute mother. She could get together with her aunt, and treat the aunt as an aunt. They could have good times together, as niece and aunt. Your girlfriend needs to grow up.
Greenberg you really are not understanding this situation but I can understand that as it has taken me years of being in the middle of this situation to get my head around it. However, I could re-word things slightly here and maybe you would then be more agreeable. My g/f has no day to day contact with any of her family and the contact she does have is often damaging. As I am sure you will agree having a family unit is very important to the individual and society (especially for females). With this in mind I was wondering how I could help her establish bonds along the lines of a family unit as I feel it would help her (I also have no family what-so-ever so I cannot personally donate anyone).
I think people just enjoy whinning when things aren't absolutely perfect in their lives. And that's so strange and odd, considering that millions of others have lives of poverty and hunger and disease all over the world. You and your gf both need to grow up and face the world that you live in. Baron Max
Max some times your childhood imprints massively (there is a huge story here that has not been told) on your adult life and as a child you do not have control over this, it comes down to your parents. Mr g/f has worked very hard to overcome her past and to a huge degree has succeeded. Ok some people have worse deals in life I am sure there are even people that have to put up with you in real life Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! But just because someone is worse off, does not mean that we automatically should all be fine life, isn't that simple. Max what problems in life do you have? Please share them with us lets see your world because it will have its own unique aspects that you handle in your own unique way. Maybe, you are stronger than some people but isn't the core of society about caring for the weaker people?
A good family is something that has to develop naturally. I don't think that forcing it, planning it and such really works. I think finding a group of peers might be better. For example, get a hobby, join some hobby group or club - if you live in a large town, this shouldn't be difficult. Do sports. Meet people with similar interests. If you go jogging, say hello to the jogger next to you. Visit the neighbors. Take an evening class in rhetorics or knitting or cooking or accounting or some such. It will be useful, and you'll meet people of similar interest and/or similar age. What is more, you'll have a large number of people to choose from. Then make some friends.
While traditional pyschotherapy has mixed results in treating actual disorders, I do think it is helpful in situations like this (i.e., in dealing with unresolved family issues). It's one way to get someone who can act like a surrogate parent.
There ya' go ...now you've hit the nail on the head; your wife is weak! And now you and she are looking for strong people to give something ...always wanting the strong to give, give, give,....... It's no fuckin' wonder our modern society is so fucked up .....there's billions of weak bastards and only a few strong people ...and the weak are expecting to be carried all the fuckin' time by the strong! Shit, what a fucked up mess we have in this society. Baron Max
So you consider yourself strong? Reconsider that thought. The strongest people, also the ones who survive, understand the skill of empathy and understanding. You showed in many threads that you don't even know what these words mean. Asking for information makes you smarter then burning the bridges to conversation. Or to say it with the words of a monk we have ears at the side of our heads to listen to the ones next to us, instead of to the one up in the sky.
Max you think you contribute more to society than my g/f? While you sit here pushing your views to anyone who will listen she works 70 + hours a week to get her PhD while also doing research at Oxford University. Please tell me Mr Baron what do you do apart from posting on this forum? She will leave a legacy of ground breaking research, what will be left of you when the Sciforum hard drive is wiped?
No, but I sure don't whine and bitch n' moan as much as she does ..or you do! Suck it up, man, and tell your wife to do the same. Life ain't perfect, but if she's all upset because she ain't never had a mother, tell her to go to Bangladesh or India or Mexico and check out the "orphanages" there. She might just come home and be a better person for gaining such a grand perspective on life. Tell her to suck it and get back into the game. And to quit whining! Baron Max
