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Thread: A few jokes

  1. #1
    Be kind to yourself always. cosmictraveler's Avatar
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    Talking A few jokes

    Blonde’s Year In Review

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to
    print labels....."duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

    March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
    months.....box said 2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
    other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car
    swamped, because top was down.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

    What a year!!


    A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

    She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

    Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


    Q: How do blonde braincells die?
    A: Alone.

    Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
    A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

    Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
    A: Blow in her ear.

    Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
    A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

    Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
    A: She drowns it.

    Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
    A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

    Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
    A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper


    A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

    The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

    The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."


    A blonde is hiking. She approaches a huge river, and sees another blonde on the bank across from her. She yells, "how do I get to the other side?" The other blonde looks upriver, downriver, and back at the first blonde. "You're already ON the other side!"


    There were two blondes fighting over what kind of tracks there were. The 1st blonde says there bear tracks. The 2nd blonde says there deer tracks. They stand there fighting over this and all of a sudden a train comes by and hits them.


    What do you do if a Blonde Throws a Grenade at you?
    Take the pin out and Throw it back.


    Too blonds are sitting on the beach in California watching the moon set. "It sure is beautiful" says blond #1. "Yeah." agrees blond #2. "I wonder which is further away from here, Florida or the Moon" asks blond #1. "Duh" says blond #2, "you can't see Florida from here."




    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



    Politically Correct Descriptions For Men
    He does not have a BEER GUT.
    He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not a BAD DANCER.
    He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

    He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
    He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    He is not BALDING.
    He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
    He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

    He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
    He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

    He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
    He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.


    He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
    He has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
    He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

    He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
    He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.




    A southern boy got accepted at Harvard -- and was wandering around campus on his first day as a freshman.

    He stopped a fellow on a sidewalk. "Excuse me," he said. "Could you please tell me where the library is at?"

    The fellow to whom he had put the question drew himself up to his full height. "My good man," he said. "At Haaaaaah-vaaahd, we do not end our sentences with prepositions!"

    To which the southern boy responded, "OK. Then could you please tell me where the library is at, dumbass?"



    Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

    "Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

    He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

    The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

    The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

    "But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

    "Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

    The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

    "But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

    The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"

    The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"



    There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

    "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

    "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

    "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

    "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

    "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

  2. #2
    Let us not launch the boat ... Tiassa's Avatar
    Posts
    30,620
    A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. While waiting, he notices a horse standing in the corner of the bar, with a large jar full of money beside it. "What's with the horse?" he asks the bartender.

    "Well, it costs a dollar, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar."

    "I'm in," says the man, who walks over to the horse, drops a dollar in the jar, and proceeds to whisper in the horse's ear. Immediately, the horse is seized with fits of laughter. The man takes his money, shoots his drink, and leaves.

    Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar and is surprised to see the horse standing in the corner beside a jar of money. "Still going?" he asks the bartender.

    "No, sir. Costs a dollar, make the horse cry, win the pot."

    "I'm in," says the man, and walks over to the horse. He drops a dollar in the jar and appears to simply stand in front of the horse. After a moment, the horse begins bawling uncontrollably. The man takes his money, returns to the bar, and orders a drink.

    "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "But, if you don't mind, I just don't get it. What did you do to my horse?"

    "Well, I made him laugh by telling him I had a bigger dick," says the man. "I made him cry by showing him and proving it."

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