Jokes and Funny Stories

[cosmictraveler]

[Believe]

I thought it was good anyway lol

[Believe]

This one made many of my co-workers lol IRL.

http://comixed.memebase.com/2011/09/...ldr-but-great/

[Believe]

Way funnier then that dolphin thing.

[Me-Ki-Gal]

that was funny . Yeah I have to admit .

[KilljoyKlown]

We do have an ongoing jokes topic that this would have been very good in.

[KilljoyKlown]

Spelling

Learn something new everyday:

Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spell "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that ?

[KilljoyKlown]

Genie

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."

"She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

"I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[KilljoyKlown]

Revenge

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

[scheherazade]

Revenge

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

Cute!

[Dywyddyr]

That's just ridiculous!

Who has chips AND mash?

[KilljoyKlown]

Little Tommy Turtle

A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree.
After long hours of great effort, he reaches
the top, jumps into the air waving his front
legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into
the ground. After recovering consciousness he
starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more,
but again crashes to the ground.

The little turtle does this again and again,
while all the time his heroic efforts are being
watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched
on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird,
"Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy
he is adopted?"

[KilljoyKlown]

Teachers pet - monster

Discovering one of her students making faces
at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped
to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the
teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I
was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like
that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well
you can't say you weren't warned

[KilljoyKlown]

Johnny and the old man

Little Johnny was walking down the road one
day and an old man was sitting on his front porch
rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.


The old man said, 'Whatcha got there, son?'


Johnny said, 'Got me some chicken wire.'

'Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?'
asked the old man.

'Gonna catch me some chickens,' said Johnny.


'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire,'
said the oldster.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked
on down the street.

About half an hour later, Johnny came back
passing the old man's front porch with three
chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old
man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.


A little later Johnny passed the old man's
porch. 'Whatcha got now, son?'

'Got me some duct tape.'

'And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?'
the old man asked.

'Gonna catch me some ducks.'

'You can't catch ducks with duct tape,' said
the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders
and kept on walking.

About half an hour later, back comes Johnny
with three ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again,
the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing
the old man's porch.

'Whatcha got now, son?' asked the old codger.


'Got me some pussy willow.'

The old man said, 'Wait right there while I
get my shoes!'

[KilljoyKlown]

Fallen seeks something to raise

Two prostitutes were riding around town with
a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES
-- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
and told them they'd either have to remove the
sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with
a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you
don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop
smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the
area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

[KilljoyKlown]

Dorrigo Three Kick Rule

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting
in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on
the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
best trial attorneys in the States and, if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,
you don't know how we do things up here in the
Northern Rivers. We settle small disagreements
like this with the Dorrigo Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Dorrigo Three
Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times,
and so on, back and forth, until someone gives
up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller.


His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped
the man's nose off his face. The barrister was
flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and
managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you
old coot - now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give
up. You can have the duck."

[KilljoyKlown]

One more tasteless joke today.

Lesson Learned

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class
on observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid.


"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor,
you have to be observant of color, smell, sight,
and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into
the jar and put it into his mouth. His class
watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was
passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger
into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer
shook his head. "If any of you had been observant,
you would have noticed that I put my second finger
into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

[KilljoyKlown]

Had to post it.

Heavenly Justice

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid
golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be
on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and
the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to
do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame
him. He called an assistant to tell him that
he was sick and could not do church, packed the
car up, and drove three hours to a golf course
where no one would recognize him. Happily, he
began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher
and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said,
"Look at the preacher. He should be punished
for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed
up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and
it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed
right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect
hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to
God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought
you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

[KilljoyKlown]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
___________________________________Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[KilljoyKlown]

ME First!!

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof!

She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and the love
of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.