Jokes and Funny Stories

[Billy T]

To Killjoyklown:

Why only four bullets? There many more politician the country could do without. At least give the gun a full load (6 to 9 bullets) if you want to have some significant effects.

[KilljoyKlown]

To Killjoyklown:

Why only four bullets? There many more politician the country could do without. At least give the gun a full load (6 to 9 bullets) if you want to have some significant effects.

Yeah! I like 9mm guns because of the 15 round clips.

[chimpkin]

A story I wrote elsewhere...yours truly and entirely true...

Ah, Miconazole!

Ok...that summer I was doing a lot of bicycle commuting in the heat. In my tight little bike shorts.

Now for those of y'all not familiar with the typical Houston summer weather, it's kind of a sauna in your clothing. Well, those tight little bike shorts, try as they might, just weren't wicking all the sweat out from the area betwixt my girly bits and the bike seat...and after a few weeks of...chronic heat and humidity in the basement, well...

Case of the yeasties.
Yep. I was making muffins down there and it was most irritating.
So I had enough cash and stopped at the store one morning...but just enough for the miconazole. I forget why.
So I noticed the teller lady, a nice southern lady was asking everyone "How you feelin' this morning."

And I realized what I needed to say. It was really hard to keep a straight face.

I stepped up, right in front of her, and when she asked me "How you feelin'?" I slapped the box of vaginal miconazole down on the counter and said "Itchy."

She could not stop laughing for about a minute. It was great.

[KilljoyKlown]

NOW I UNDERSTAND!


The English language has some wonderfully
Anthropomorphic collective nouns for various groups of
Animals.


We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle
Of geese.


However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the
Rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.


NOW, consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective
Noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... A CONGRESS!


I guess that pretty much explains the
Things that come out of Washington!

[Billy T]

While on political jokes:

"Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work -- if we had $447 billion."
-- Jay Leno

[KilljoyKlown]

These southern boys will find any reason to drink a beer !



A Mexican, a Black, and a Texas Redneck were walking together on a
beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up
the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.


"I can only grant three wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are
three of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he
said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."



The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships
so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland,
Africa ."Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.



The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my
people back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.



Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"



The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the
border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing
out into the sunset and said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't
get any better than this!"

[cosmictraveler]

Church lady Myosis

http://videos2view.net/thongs.htm

[KilljoyKlown]

Church lady Myosis

http://videos2view.net/thongs.htm

I didn't know those were democratic panties. I wanted to see what republican panties looked like but she stopped after showing what good Christian panties looked like.

[Gustav]

a funny story

Witness the angry meat eaters with their personal attacks.

None of this warrants a response. These people aren't interested in having an adult conversation. They are only interested in schoolyard bullying.

Most of the meat-eating participants in this thread apparently want it closed. It also appears that we've covered the substantive issues. Most of the rest is repetition.

I know I haven't responded to everybody. I would like to thank some of the participants here for useful discussions and thoughtful responses. I am sorry I haven't been able to address every argument or issue that has been brought up.

To the angry trolls: congratulations. You've got your wish. Now you can go away from this thread and either pretend it didn't happen or imagine that you "won" the argument. Clearly these are the things that matter to you.

[scheherazade]

I didn't know those were democratic panties. I wanted to see what republican panties looked like but she stopped after showing what good Christian panties looked like.

LOL......I have been known to advise those taking up the sport of equitation in the appropriate type of foundation garments, and they run on more to the style of good Christian panties than the first exhibit. I can't imagine the discomfort after riding 50 miles with a string between ones' buttocks.

One dear lady decided that she did not require a bra, as she only had perkies. Her new found skill by the time half of the ride was done, was riding with one arm across her sore strawberries.

People.....you can always tell them......you just can't tell them much.

[Gustav]

I stepped up, right in front of her, and when she asked me "How you feelin'?" I slapped the box of vaginal miconazole down on the counter and said "Itchy."

She could not stop laughing for about a minute. It was great.

something similar

i noticed a frisky couple in a store and muttered something about no hanky panky/get a room. the chick held up a pregnancy test and said...."too late"

[KilljoyKlown]

LOL......I have been known to advise those taking up the sport of equitation in the appropriate type of foundation garments, and they run on more to the style of good Christian panties than the first exhibit. I can't imagine the discomfort after riding 50 miles with a string between ones' buttocks.

One dear lady decided that she did not require a bra, as she only had perkies. Her new found skill by the time half of the ride was done, was riding with one arm across her sore strawberries.

People.....you can always tell them......you just can't tell them much.

I always say when doing something new like riding a horse, always take any expert advice you can get or suffer your ignorance.

[scheherazade]

I always say when doing something new like riding a horse, always take any expert advice you can get or suffer your ignorance.

Very true. We are a species that seems to be slow to learn from experience, save it be our own, lol....

[KilljoyKlown]

You have to see this. I don't think they would allow it on U.S. TV.

French Condom Ad

[NMSquirrel]

OMG freaking hilarious!

[KilljoyKlown]

OMG freaking hilarious!

It wasn't exactly a joke, but it was sort of funny. I didn't really know where else to put it. Leave to the French to come up with something like that.

[Shogun]

You have to see this. I don't think they would allow it on U.S. TV.

French Condom Ad

Lol only the French eh?

[cosmictraveler]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on
suffocates Me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking
a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a
painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you
something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth!






"A Jack Daniels Fishing Story"

I went fishing this morning, but after a short
time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the
corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with
a frog in his mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog
in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I
going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and
carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[KilljoyKlown]

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3 He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[Believe]

Voting Spock in 2012 is obviously the most logical vote.

http://verydemotivational.memebase.c...al-posters-11/