Jokes and Funny Stories

[KilljoyKlown]

This is not a politically correct joke. Read at your own risk.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[visceral_instinct]

Why was the baby in the wood chipper?

I was bored....

[cosmictraveler]

Why was the baby in the wood chipper?

I was bored....

Because he was a "chip off the old block!"

[KilljoyKlown]

Why was the baby in the wood chipper?

I was bored....

You must have been playing baby chipper.

http://www.toxicsnot.com/coolgames/baby-chipper.html

[KilljoyKlown]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (thamnophis sirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he was taken to the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[KilljoyKlown]

Why Parents Drink

A
father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up. Then he saw
an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition
he opened the envelope
with
trembling hands and read the
letter.


Dear
Dad:

It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.

I have been
finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.

But I knew you would not
approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact
that she is much older than I am. But it' s not
only the passion...Dad she's
pregnant.

Stacy said that we will
be very happy.

She owns a trailer
in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.

Stacy has opened my
eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy.

In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so
Stacy
can get better. She deserves
it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I
know how to take care of
myself.

Someday I'm sure that we
will be back to visit so that you
can
get
to know your
grandchildren.


Love,
Your Son John



PS.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house.


I
Just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than a Report card That's in
my center desk drawer.


I
love you.


Call
me when it's safe to come home

[juliet2011]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

don't you just love nerd jokes

yes, you are right. just share jokes with people who have the same interests and outlook.

[Hellenologophobia]

[Shogun]

http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question...5011003AARfqjv

[Shogun]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

[Shogun]

yes, you are right. just share jokes with people who have the same interests and outlook.

a sprite is anything not static
a sprite is a variable object be it 2d or 3d
a sprite is a fucking soda you god damn geekass bastards

[KilljoyKlown]

This is one way to teach the importance of capitalization... don't you agree?



From a Teacher short and to the point…



In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:



Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that?

[KilljoyKlown]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

My email was more complete, but you did manage to beat me to the punch.

[Shogun]

My email was more complete, but you did manage to beat me to the punch.

Haha, guess so

[KilljoyKlown]

My republican friend just loves these kind of jokes.

From the Chief of Police:

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Pascagoula , MS Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Pascagoula River near the I-10 Bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Pascagoula . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The Police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.


Thank You

[scheherazade]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here
I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you...



That the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[NMSquirrel]

"'Did it ever occur to you...
That the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

OMG..I can remember using that line on my daughter..

[christa]

OMG..I can remember using that line on my daughter..

I don't remember.....

[KilljoyKlown]

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect." "Great," said the teacher. Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." "Good," said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute." Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute." "No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

[adoucette]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal
Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville
, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she
hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.. She told him she was an
environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all
the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help
her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well,
I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down