09-25-10, 05:27 PM #1341
09-26-10, 04:58 PM #1342
Office memo above coffee machine:
"At the end of the day, someone will have eaten all the chocolate biscuits."
09-28-10, 10:50 AM #1343
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, “Great… he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I’ll just let him ask and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: “Well, son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
09-28-10, 10:59 AM #1344
09-28-10, 11:29 AM #1345
09-29-10, 08:46 AM #1346
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and the other
Hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
10-01-10, 12:19 PM #1347
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
10-01-10, 09:12 PM #1348
10-03-10, 08:50 AM #1349
|| Moved here from thread "Pissing on the Virgin Mary......."
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
What Kind Of Farter Are You?
Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.
Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.
Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.
Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.
Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.
Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.
Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.
Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.
Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.
Dishonest: You far and then blame the dog.
Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.
Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.
Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.
Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.
Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.
Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.
Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.
Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.
Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.
Last edited by Enmos; 10-03-10 at 04:50 PM.
10-10-10, 05:22 PM #1350
10-10-10, 06:53 PM #1351
Keeping with the sexual turn of recent posts:
After many visits to doctors, spinal operations, etc. man finds one a doctor who tells him the pains shooting down the legs often come from the testicles. The only cure is to remove them. Reluctantly after some more bad pains he agrees. For next few months he has no pains so he decides to celebrate his cure with a party and new suit – his first ever made to order at a tailors shop.
Tailor takes his measurements and then asks:
Does your left testicle hang lower than the right, like in most men? Adding that store made pants assume that.
Man said: Don’t be concerned about that, but he was an exception – his right hung lower.
It good you told me that. If I had used the standard pattern cut, you could get pains shooting down your legs.
10-10-10, 07:16 PM #1352
Yea olde time humor you won't understand when you become old:
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
10-12-10, 03:45 PM #1353
Asalesman asks a famer if he could put, him up for the night ; the farmer says o.k. but you better not go near my son; "your son" the salesman replies; thats right , no hanky panky with my son! The salesman replies "excuse me, I think i'm in the wrong joke
10-12-10, 07:08 PM #1354
LOL can be used in many ways for example It can be used for 'Lot's OF Love' now lets use it in a sentence (sorry your cat died LOL!)
10-13-10, 07:51 PM #1355
10-14-10, 03:26 AM #1356
The Preamble: A workmate knows my preference for original jokes over all the tired old crap you lot regurgitate ad nauseum and gave me a challenge this morning; come up with a joke about Chilean miners.
1.How do Chilean miners come to the surface?
Juan at a time
2.Sergio comes to the surface after 69 days underground and his family is overjoyed,"what special luxury have you missed most Sergio?"
"Quick Maria,make serge a coffee!"
"is it instant or ground beans?"
"What do you prefer Sergio?"
"Here Sergio,your first coffee for 2 and a half months"
...(sip)...Pitooey (spits coffee),..."that's terrible!"
"What's wrong Serge?"
"It's terrible,...how's yours?"
"Mine are underground!"
3.Conchita's final words to Esteban that fateful day...She told him to have a nice day, watch out for the gay miners....TO MIND 'IS ARSE TA watch 'is back and be home before dark.
p.s If you're American, I know you don't get 2 and 3. Don't even try.
10-14-10, 03:29 PM #1357
There hasn't been this much fuss over Chilean minors since Michael Jackson visited Santiago.
10-15-10, 06:41 AM #1358
10-15-10, 06:50 AM #1359
10-15-10, 06:55 AM #1360
Chilean Miners now claim they were being Patronised by their fruit diet