Jokes and Funny Stories

[christa]

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"

[cosmictraveler]

ONE-LINERS


--People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

--An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

--A word of advice...don't give it.

--If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

--I am logged in...therefore, I am.

--A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

--Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.

--To belittle is to be little.

--When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

--Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.

--The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

--I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

--A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

--Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

--Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

--Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like everyone is that's there.

[S.A.M.]

to lazy to post the pic that goes with it.. but I will let you all figure it out.. hahaaa




A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.. '

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're still not sure what a 710 is...

You missed the punchline



great jokes christa

[christa]

You missed the punchline



great jokes christa

I know.. I didnt wanna save it.. so I wanted to wait till someone really wanted to find it out

[christa]

this is just funny in itsself.. I was there for the concert, and to watch the police do their thang for these nerds... I see me in a few of their casts of that day... but I doubt u will know its me. hahaha

http://www.youtube.com/user/thewatch.../3/6lVn3S_i9us

[christa]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great".

Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

[christa]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

[Omega133]

^^ That was so friggin hilarious!

[christa]

[Omega133]

That would be completely akward.

[christa]

That would be completely akward.

but its supper funny!! I laughed so hard when I saw that!

[christa]

A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."

The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!? It was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"

The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"

A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic." The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"

The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"

[cosmictraveler]

The sharing of marriage....

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)


















'THE TEETH.'

[christa]

A nun, badly in need of a toilet, ventured into a pub to seek relief.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off, then the place erupted into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the place went dead silent.

Going up to bar, she asked if she use their facilities. The Landlord said, "Okay, yes, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun, before going to the toilet.

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

Going to the landlord, she said, "Thank you, but I don't understand why everyone applauded me for, just because I went to the toilet."

"Well, now they know you're one of us," he replied. "Would you like a drink?"

"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," he laughed, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

[christa]

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor, run upstairs and get me my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it."

Mike shouts downstairs, "Hey, Joe, both of them?"

Joe shouts back "Of course both of them! What's the point of fucking one?"

[Omega133]

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor, run upstairs and get me my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it."

Mike shouts downstairs, "Hey, Joe, both of them?"

Joe shouts back "Of course both of them! What's the point of fucking one?"

That's hilarious.

[InTheFlesh77]

BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.

Fuck, how high was that balcony!?

[razordude]

a guy wakes up in the middle of the night to see some people robbing his shed. Calling the police he tells them that some men are robbing his shed. The police officer replies and says "We don't have anyone avalible right now." a few minutes later the man calls them again saying "You don't have to worry about those men anymore I shot them." A few minutes later the police arrive and sure enough catches the robbers. The officer the man spoke to comes up to him furious and says "You said you shot them." the man replies "You said you had none avallible."

[razordude]

All the super heroes are out on missions exept Wonder woman and the Invisible man. So they decide to go to her apartment to have sex. while they're having sex superman flies by. Looking in he sees Wonder woman lieing naked on the bed. He thinks to himself "If I flie in there I can fuck her and be out before anyone notices." So he flies in and back out. Inside the apartment Wonder woman looks up and says "what was that?" The Invisible man replies "I don't know but my butt hurts.

I think you all can understand what happened.

[cosmictraveler]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2010!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.