Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #1061

    Of Dwarf

    A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in
    the groin area.

    The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his
    desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
    hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

    "How's that?"
    "Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."

    Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip.
    Out he comes.

    " How's that?" he asks again more confident.
    That's wonderful! What did you do?"
    "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots

  2. #1062

  3. #1063

    Lost in Translation

    I know its a joke, but I TOTALLY think this is what happened!
    __________________________________________________ _______________
    A man had recently decided to become a monk and was placed in a monastery to study and learn. Upon arriving there he was told that his first assignment was to go into the basement to continue the work of transcribing original scrolls that had been passed on for years by the monks. The monk asked his teacher, "How do you know if the transcribed works are accurate? What if we've perpetuated errors in translation for thousands of years"? The teacher told the man to go and begin his work and he would learn how things were done. The new monk went into the basement and began transcribing the scrolls. Soon lunch and dinner had passed and the new monk had not come out of the basement. The teacher finally became worried about the man around midnight and went searching for him. He found him in the basement sitting at a table with tears streaming down his face. The teacher asked the new monk what was troubling him and the man looks up at the teacher and says, "the word should have been "CELEBRATE".

  4. #1064
    It was a good film. I like Bill Murray's work.

  5. #1065

  6. #1066

    UN Survey

    A survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure.
    In Africa, they did not know what "food" means.
    In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" means.
    In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" means.
    In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" means.
    In South America, they did not know what "please" means.
    In Asia, they did not know what "honest" means.
    And in the USA, they did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" means.

  7. #1067
    Please use Sugar Cane Alcohol Billy T's Avatar
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    80% of posts not in this forum,but only 60% of those here. Sad.

  8. #1068
    big brown was screwed up
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    1,867
    Top 10 reasons for the U.S to declear war on Canada.

    It just feels good

    Canadians are generally suspicious, way too quiet

    What makes you think Canadians are not thinking about it themselves?

    Canadian dollar is appreciating

    They speak French; more Canadians speak French than the whole of France

    Their toilet is larger than the American standard toilet, which means they use more water on every flush, further depleting North American flushable water resources

    Canada spelled backwards is Adanac, which is short for additional-anachy, or worse, which doesnít make any sense.

    There is too much space in Canada, war is the answer for exponential population growth, a.k.a baby booming

    Itís very close

    Send a clear message to the Mexican government and its illegal immigrants.


    Having said this, I know I am automatically barred from entering the great nation of Canada, which by the way has the completion of the Rockies, but you should look into these few but important reasons for the United States to invade Canada. This could change history guys.

  9. #1069
    big brown was screwed up
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    1,867
    Quote Originally Posted by Microzoft View Post
    A survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure.
    In Africa, they did not know what "food" means.
    In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" means.
    In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" means.
    In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" means.
    In South America, they did not know what "please" means.
    In Asia, they did not know what "honest" means.
    And in the USA, they did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" means.
    awesome

  10. #1070
    Please use Sugar Cane Alcohol Billy T's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chatha View Post
    Top 10 reasons for the U.S to declear war on Canada.
    ...
    ,,,
    Itís very close
    ...
    Yes that is convenient, but it gets dam cold there in winter and US can not compete any war in half a year. (Need help from the Israelis on this. They certainly owe us something.)

  11. #1071

    Smile Monkey in a bar

    A man with a monkey enters a bar. The monkey jumps
    onto the pool table and eats the cue ball.

    Surprised by this, the bartender asks the man why?
    The man says "you know, monkeys aren't very smart."

    A month later, the same man comes in with his monkey.

    This time the monkey grabs a beer nut, looks at it closely,
    shoves it up his butt, twists it around a little, pulls it back
    out and eats it.

    The bartender says "whoa, what was that all about?"
    To which the man replied, "well, after that incident with the cue ball,
    he likes to check his food for size."

  12. #1072

    Talking Science Class

    the science teacher asks her class which precious metal they would like to have:
    Susie answered gold if I had gold I could buy a Mercedes
    Barbie answered silver if I had silver I could buy a Porshe
    little Timmy answered silicone, my Aunt has two jugs of it and you should see all the Corvettes parked outside her house

  13. #1073

    Bill Gates

    Bill Gates talking to his lawyers -
    You spent $150 million on what? I told you "SNAPPLE!"

  14. #1074

    Chicken and The Egg

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

    The egg mutters to no one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question."

  15. #1075

    Question Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    JOHN KERRY
    I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

    GEORGE W. BUSH
    We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    COLIN POWELL
    Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    HANS BLIX
    We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    RALPH NADER
    The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

    PAT BUCHANAN
    To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

    RUSH LIMBAUGH
    I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

    MARTHA STEWART
    No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


    JERRY FALWELL
    Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

    DR SEUSS
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY
    To die in the rain. Alone.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    GRANDPA
    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS
    Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

    JOHN LENNON
    Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

    ARISTOTLE
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    KARL MARX
    It was an historic inevitability.

    CAPTAIN KIRK
    To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

    SIGMUND FREUD
    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES
    I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN
    Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    BILL CLINTON
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

    AL GORE
    I invented the chicken!

    THE BIBLE
    And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    COLONEL SANDERS
    Did I miss one?

  16. #1076
    WildBlueYonder
    Guest

    a short story on the origin of the game of golf

    in the year 1129 Alister McAllister, from St. Andrews Scotland, inherited 100 acres of scraggy land; part bog & moor, rocks, misshapen trees, ponds, a shack & 18 small meadows

    upon serveying his newfound legacy, he saw that it would never support sheep, so he walked the land trying to figure what, if anything he could do with it

    while walking aimlessly, he chanced upon a small broken branch, picked it up & started hitting rocks with it, he aimed at trees, ponds, hitting everything, until a rock ricocheted & it him in the head...

    thats when an idea hit him, he knew what he would do...

    so he invented a ball game that he thought would make so much money for him, that he called it "gold", he made money making clubs, selling little rock-filled sheep-gut covered balls & charging admission to his new game's course

    he invented the rules, officially called it "goldfield" & it quickly became the rage, all except the name, problem was, the regulars cussed so much while playing it, that the locals called it "gol@!?&%", that in due time was shortened to the name "golf", a 4-letter word in Scotland

  17. #1077
    big brown was screwed up
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    People don't know that light doesn't always travel at its speed, there are places where light travels slower. Scientists have found out that light travels...get this...slower in the rectum(you kind of wonder how they figured that out). But this is actually a fact. To proof this, they needed a perfect ass hole, one that posseses the right type for the experiment, so they tested it on on the rear of one African leader, it worked, and it demonstrated that even light can't shine in all places.

  18. #1078
    Please use Sugar Cane Alcohol Billy T's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildBlueYonder View Post
    in the year 1129 Alister McAllister, from St. Andrews Scotland, inherited 100 acres of scraggy land; part bog & moor, rocks, misshapen trees, ponds, a shack & 18 small meadows

    upon serveying his newfound legacy, he saw that it would never support sheep, so he walked the land trying to figure what, if anything he could do with it

    while walking aimlessly, he chanced upon a small broken branch, picked it up & started hitting rocks with it, he aimed at trees, ponds, hitting everything, until a rock ricocheted & it him in the head...

    thats when an idea hit him, he knew what he would do...

    so he invented a ball game that he thought would make so much money for him, that he called it "gold", he made money making clubs, selling little rock-filled sheep-gut covered balls & charging admission to his new game's course

    he invented the rules, officially called it "goldfield" & it quickly became the rage, all except the name, problem was, the regulars cussed so much while playing it, that the locals called it "gol@!?&%", that in due time was shortened to the name "golf", a 4-letter word in Scotland
    I did not know that (that sheep gut was so strong)

  19. #1079
    Please use Sugar Cane Alcohol Billy T's Avatar
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    How this original one of mine, for bad taste? :

    Sarkozy's wife would have left him yesterday, but the Paris Metro was on strike.

  20. #1080
    big brown was screwed up
    Posts
    1,867
    Surviving a bear attack can be heinous. Iím going to show you how to survive a bear attack. Bears can be cute cuddly fat bastards, but they will ignore your cries for pain when they rip your guts out. So, to avoid this rather audacious occasion just follow these few reactions. First, bears are usually confronted in the woods while camping, itís usually best to avoid bears all together by not camping in unfamiliar and remote country because killer bear would not be your only problem at that time. Bears can smell food from 15 miles away so you donít want to carry disposable food; a man from Oregon went to sleep with a leg of lamb only for him to be terrorized by a grizzly at 3:10am the size of Shaquille OíNeil. Pictures of the bearís eyes have imprinted itself in the poor manís brain for years. Never try to feed a bear. Second, plan ahead. Make sure you have a clear path to escape if you are going to stop and make camp. Do not, I mean, do not include climbing a tree as part of this plan. A man from Jerusalem (Yes, Jerusalem) was confronted once and climbed a tree inÖwhere elseÖ Oregon woods. He found out the hard way that bears climb trees and they both had a good time in the branches. But there is another place where something happened, which brings me to my third advice. When hiking, always drink enough water and food. This is the stupidest thing you could possibly do. A man collapsed from malnutrition and dehydration on a hiking trip, when a group of bears came over and clubbed him really good. The rest of my advice is for close encounters, like when you are actually less than 5 feet from a bear and somethingís surely going to happen. Fourth, never stare directly in a brown bearís eyes as it aroused contempt. Never try to please a bear by playing with its genitals. Never try to make a stand as no human being alive and normal can fight a determined bear; the best you can do is make aggressive charades but be prepared to make for it. Never try to castrate a bear for any reason whatsoever, thereís going to be a lot of blood and severed human parts. Remember, bears are wild animals, and wild animals belong in the wild, where you donít belong, you are in their territory so you ought to be the careful.- Park Rangers Association

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