Jokes and Funny Stories

[BLASTOFF]

how do you brain wash an irishman? pee in his welly

[BLASTOFF]

how do you keep an idiot in suspense? i'll tell you tomorrow

[BLASTOFF]

what's the definition of a woman with PMS? a bad tempered old cow

[therealdrag0]

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

================

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,
"I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[Chatha]

ACTUAL CONVERSATION AT SYDNEY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, AUS

A: Welcome to Sydney international airport, do you have anything to declare?
S: Well I have some stories from where I am coming from; would you like a chair and a cup of tea with that?
A: No need to be rude, just doing my job
S: Then I declare you as an asshole! outa my way fucko

[Chatha]

Welcome to Sydney, have your bags been with you at all times?

Sadly, no. I intentionaly left it with a beautiful chick in the airport as a way to start a conversation. Just the other night I left it outside in the full moon just for good luck. And sometimes I leave it in the men's restrooom hoping to score some guys

[Chatha]

Welcome madame to Sydney, has anyone given you anything to carry on your trip

Well... in-flight my co-passenger, a man, took my hands and gently put it on his penis. I thought it was a little redundant so I withdrew. He tricked me you see. Nothing further

[BLASTOFF]

Female in the kitchen doing boiled egg's for breakfast,her husband walks in and she turn's to him and say's "darling i want you to make love to me right now" thinking that it was his lucky day, takes her there and then over the kitchen table, afterwards he say's "wow what was that all about" and she say's " o love the egg timers broken"

[BLASTOFF]

What retired people do.
Working people often ask what do retired people do to make there days intresting, well i was told this, for example the other day my nan went into town to the shops she was in the shops about 5 mins, when she went outside there was a cop writting a parking ticket, she went up to himand said come on man how about giving a senior citizen a break, he ignored her, and continued writting the ticket,so she called him a nazi turd,he glared at her and started writting another ticket, foe having worn tyres, so she called him a shit head he finished the second ticket,and put it on the windscreen with the first one, he then started writting a third one this went on for about 20 mins,the more she abused him the more he wrote, personally she did not care she went to the shops by BUS.

[Microzoft]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he is feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've
never felt better, I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with
my child,

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his questions for a minute and then begins:

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.

"Well, he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of
water. He raised his cane and said 'bang, bang'.

"Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that? "

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Microzoft]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . p; . . . you just hoped
nobody ever found out!

[DiamondHearts]

I heard this story from my teacher.

In a train in Pakistan, there were two Sikh who sitting in the same train with an old man.
There is a cord which you can pull to immediately bring the train to a stop, but the fine for pulling the cord is 50 rupee.

One Sikh says to the other, I really want to pull the cord. The other Sikh says, Why would you want to do that? The first Sikh says, I can't help it, it's too tempting.

Then He tells the other that he only has 35 rupee, so he asks how much money the other has. The second Sikh says I have 50 rupee and I'll lend you 15.

So then they pull the cord and the security on the train comes and asks who pulled the cord. They immediately change their mind and say the old man pulled the cord.

The old man then gets up and says, I pulled the cord because these two men stole my money, and split it up among themselves. The first one has 35 rupee and the second one has 50 rupee.

I thought this joke was very funny.

Peace.

[Archie]

Actual conversation at Sydney Airport:

Customs Officer: Do you have any pressing engagments today, sir?

Passenger Quoted Above: Why? Want to come along?

Customs Officer: No. But you're going to be spending the afternoon with me in a small room. You're going to be naked most of the time.

(This is funnier from the Customs Officer's point of view. You had to be there.)

[Chatha]

So CBS' Katie couric is paid 60k a day to read the news from a teleprompter, another testament to the stupidity of the opposite sex; man.

[Non-Logical-Idea-Guy]

FBI TRAINING FACILITY

3 Fbi training agents (2 men 1 woman) the instructor speaks: you hve all done very well and you have reached the final challend. In the room behind me are your spouses (he handed them all guns) you must kill them.

The 2 men said no and left, the woman went into the room, and there was much noise, she came out panting " the gun was filled with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair".

[Cottontop3000]

LOL. Nice.

[devils_reject]

So I was reading the New York daily times this morning when I came across a corporate embezzlement legal case. The defendant siphoned millions of dollars from the management and his defense team pleads “addiction to money” as his defense. So there I was not even previously aware that some state correction facilities actually offer psychological treatments for this wonderful ailment.

[Microzoft]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did,
they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly
wear them, as they were too large."

"I told her:"
"Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I
always will!"

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly" replied Jack.

"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to
forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on"
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.

"Exactly" replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."

[BLASTOFF]

the owner walks in to his store to find a man leaning against a wall. the owner asks the clerk what's up with the guy, the clerk reply's he came in this morning to buy some cough syrup, i could not find the cough syrup so i sold him a full bottle of laxitive, the owner say's you can not treat a cough with laxitive, the clerk says sure you can ,look at him he is affraid to cough.

[BLASTOFF]

have you herd about the new viagra eye drop's they make you look harder.
also the villians who stole a lorry full of viagra the police are looking for hardend criminals,