Jokes and Funny Stories

[Microzoft]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[Microzoft]

Let's Learn English!

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
(Pause.)
George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
(Pause. Crumples paper)
George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.

[Nuttyfish]

^^^That one made my day

[cooljayman]

not bad... not bad at all

[Microzoft]

You have a "Square Dance" friend? then pass this one!

THE NEW SQUARE DANCE

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.

Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.

Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.

Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout

First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass

Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls

Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!

[Microzoft]

FIRST IN LINE

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.

"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.

"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, "Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared, "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

[cooljayman]

Micro, you da man!

[Fraggle Rocker]

Maybe this one is already here. The problem with these long threads is that by the time you find it you can't possibly sit and read it all. Anyway...

The FBI discreetly announced through channels that they needed to hire an assassin. Two men and a woman showed up for the interview. The agents handed the first man a gun and told him to go through the next door and kill the person he found in it.

He opened the door and saw his wife sitting there. He dropped the gun in shock and ran from the building.

The second man opened the door and saw his wife. He walked in, closed the door behind him, and spent a few minutes without any gunshots being heard. Finally he came back out crying and said he just couldn't shoot his own wife, not even for national security. The agents politely gave him a box of Kleenex and cab fare home.

Then it was the woman's turn. She opened the door, saw her husband sitting inside, walked in, and closed the door. A shot soon rang out. Then another. Then four more in rapid succession. Then came the sounds of a violent struggle, finally a scream and then silence. The applicant threw the door open and shouted, "One of you idiots loaded the gun with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the stupid chair. Now do I get the damn job or not?"

[Absolute]

My dad told me this story of him when he was a kid after he moved from ireland to new york.

he had finnaly got a date with this really hot girl at his work and he was taking her out to diner. As you may know, new york has sub ways and that was his only transportatio, while he was sitting down he farted but it was a very warm fart and he shit his pants so he went to diner and said that he needed to go to the GAP for a jacket cause it was cold out side. he went in the store and grabed pants and a jacket. when he walked uped to the cashier and said "just the pants" and she looked at him wierd then gave him his change back. later after they got on the sub way he went to the rest room and opened the window and through out his under ware and pants and opened the bag but all was in there was the jacket. he rode the bus for seven more hours until his mom came with new clothes( he used the phone on the sub way) and he never saw the girl again.

[Avatar]

First grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you
can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked
cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on the
blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at
recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they
threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant
racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and
write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a
cookie."

[Microzoft]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[Microzoft]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"

[Microzoft]

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes." said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"

[cosmictraveler]

"Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[Microzoft]

Cosmictraveller,

Thanks for that great contribution, coming from a comictraveller, it is really a mouthful!

[WildBlueYonder]

got this emailed to me

Subject: FW: Had me fooled for a minute...how about you?
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 10:29:43 -0800

Best Singles Ad Ever Written

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

[WildBlueYonder]

another email

Subject: FW:
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 20:58:04 -0800

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[WildBlueYonder]

emailed joke

Subject: FW:
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 12:02:12 -0800

Anchors Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three ass holes call me the aggressor!"

[curioucity]

Lolness..... And Micro, you need a medal, NOW :P :P

Ahem, lame joke ahead


A passenger plane was in the middle of a flight when the pilot announced that the plane's engine was malfunctioning and the plane was about to dive into doom. In the panic, one passenger, who knew that the one beside him was a priest, told him this: "Father, we are about to die! Please, let us do what we always do in the church!". And so the priest started to collect donations.

[vslayer]

that last one af randolfos was jsut plain stupid. no americans have ever bothered to do that, why wolud they do it when their lives are actually in danger