Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #541

    Cool What's really your Occupation?

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"

    The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"

    "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

  2. #542
    Registered Senior Member truth's Avatar
    Posts
    643
    Heaven in Europe:

    The French are the cooks.
    The Germans are the mechanics.
    The Swiss are the organizers.
    The English are the police.
    The Italians are the lovers.

    Hell in Europe:

    The French are the mechanics.
    The Germans are the police.
    The Swiss are the lovers.
    The English are the cooks.
    The Italians are the organizers.

  3. #543
    Registered Senior Member truth's Avatar
    Posts
    643
    What do you call an abortion in Prague?

    A canceled Czech!

  4. #544

    On G. W. Bush..

    Why is George Bush so hard-headed?
    His skull protects the weakest part of his body.

    What major goal does George W. Bush still dream of accomplishing?

    Being elected president.


    PRESSING QUESTIONS

    A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

    "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

    "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

  5. #545

    Cool Quickees

    What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
    ---They both wiggle when you eat them.

    What is a Yankee?
    ---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What do women and condoms have in common?
    ---They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

    What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
    ---Odor eaters.

    Why do men name their penis?
    ---They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

    What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
    ---Snowballs.

    What kind of bees give milk?
    ---Boo bees.

    Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
    ---If it were more, it would be Hell.

    What has three teeth and sixty feet?
    --- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

    What is the new gay Internet address?
    ---c: enter

    What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
    ---The balls are just for decoration.

    What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    ---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

    Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
    ---They have no balls to scratch

    What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    ---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

    What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
    ---About three inches.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    ---One..Men will screw anything.

    What is the mating call of a blonde?
    --- "I'm sooooo drunk!"


  6. #546

    Thumbs up The 4 Kinds Of Sex + 1 More

    The first is Smurf Sex.
    This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

    The second is Kitchen Sex.
    This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

    The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
    You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

    The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
    This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

    There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
    This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

  7. #547

    Smile The Ladder to Success

    A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any one of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
    "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
    "No contest," thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
    On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
    "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
    "Well," thought the man, "I might as well carry on."
    On the next cloud, was an even thinner lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
    "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
    As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man was thinking that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud, was an absolutely beautiful woman: slim, attractive, the lot . . .
    "Come over here and screw me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
    Unable to control his excitement over what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the top of the ladder at the next cloud, there sat a 400 pound ugly man, with arm pit hair showing and flies buzzing around his head, waiting for him.
    The ugly, fat man turned to him and said, "Hello, my name is Cess."


  8. #548

    Whatever Don't blow it!

    A man walks into a bar in Eastern Kentucky, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another, and before long he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three African American men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white willy. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions it to the bartender. "I was in the men's room and noticed three African American men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!"

    The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?"
    "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones."
    "Well," replies the bartender, "those guys aren't African American. They're coalminers.

    The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."


  9. #549

    Cool TheFive Stages of Drunkenness

    1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cuz you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

  10. #550

    Smile Caution in handling!

    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET No.36c- 24 -36

    "WOMEN" - CHEMICAL ANALYSIS:

    Element: Women
    Symbol: Wo
    Discover: Adam
    Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.5kg(may vary from 40 - 200kg)
    Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Surface usually covered in painted film
    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
    3. Melts if given special treatment
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used
    5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
    6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning for no known reason
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation of alcohol
    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to men

    COMMON USES:

    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
    2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
    3. Very effective clean agent

    TESTS:

    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
    2. Turns green when placed beside better specimen

    HAZARDS:

    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
    at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact
    with each other.


    WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE!

    Naturally, this is passed along strictly as a public safety caution and
    should not be considered an endorsement of any type. I will note that
    the specified substance has many extremely useful applications.

  11. #551

    Cool Precious

    Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one
    evening. One girl had just gotten back from New York. She was telling
    her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.
    In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up
    there who have sex with other women."
    In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?"
    She says, "They call them lesbians.
    "And there's men who have sex with other men."
    "Oh, do tell?!" her friend says, "And what do they call them?"
    She says, "They call them homosexuals."
    She pauses and lowers her voice even more when she says,
    "And they have these men up there, that will put their face
    in a womans private parts and kinda lick around and stuff."
    "Do tell!!" her friend gasps, "What do they call them?"
    To which the girl coyly replies, "Oh, I don't know.
    I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."

  12. #552

    Smile A Drunk Walks in ...

    A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

    The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

    A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
    gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is
    clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

    The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

  13. #553

    Talking

    you all fuckin looser joke guy, you not funny ha ha you funny strange!!

  14. #554
    I'm just going for a walk... ElectricFetus's Avatar
    Posts
    16,983
    Heres a joke collection for you all, have fun:
    Attached Files Attached Files

  15. #555
    Jolly Rodger, please stop actin like a fudgepacker, you fuckin moronic unuck

  16. #556
    I'm just going for a walk... ElectricFetus's Avatar
    Posts
    16,983
    I think his problem is he knows what a loser he is and need to try to verify others as losers to feel better about him self, how pathetic.

  17. #557

    Cool Marriage Qoutes.

    It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers

    If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Chekhov

    The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge

    Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson

    If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. -- Haskins

    A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. -- Du Bois

    A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. -- Moliere

    Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe

    In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler

    A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas

    Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Johnson

    The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud

    Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne

    For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. -- Robert Briffault

    Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- Baskins

    A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

    A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.

    Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

    Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

    Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?

    Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

    Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.


    By Nathan Mates: nathan@visi.com


  18. #558

    Cool Brides Only

    Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
    A. They can't stand criticism.

    Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
    A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

    Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.

    Q. Why do men name their penises?
    A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

    Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

    Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
    A. A padded headboard.

    Q. How do men sort their laundry?
    A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


    1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

    2. Woman don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types .

    3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him .

    4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

    5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

    6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.

    7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.

    8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

    9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

    10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.

    11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.

    12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men .......... a woman.

    13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men
    - strong, caring, loving -
    they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

    14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.

    15. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.

    16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".

    17. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.

  19. #559

    Cool Dirty pharmacy Joke.

    A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

    "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

    So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

    She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

    "Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

  20. #560

    Cool Farmer's sexlife!

    Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

    Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened? She replied, It was the best sex I ever had! Why? asked Farmer Brown. Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.

    Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!

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