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Registered Senior Member
White House Contractors!
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors.
The guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys come with me, look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
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Registered Senior Member
American Serviceman.
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months. He was finally given a week of R&R and caught a train to London.
The train was very crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked around looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment where there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude · you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said,"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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Hehe. That's a good one about Bill Gate's penis, Microzoft. Here's a joke. I'm sure everyone's heard it before but it's the only I'd heard recently.
A guy was busy mowing his lawn when he noticed his attractive, female neighbor who had come outside, looked into her mailbox, growled in frustration, slammed the mailbox door shut, then stomped her feet as she went back into the house. A few moments later, she did it again. This continued for a few minutes when the guy finally decided to ask his neighbor if everything was alright. "NO!" She huffed. "My stupid computer keeps saying that 'I've got mail' and when I look in the mailbox, there's nothing there!"
Uh... ha, ha, ha. *Shrugs* Well, it was worth a shot.
Last edited by wesmorrisbabe; 04-11-03 at 01:12 PM.
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Registered Senior Member
Yes, I have, but it is one of those jokes that will never die old. Thanks!
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What?
** On the Palm website, when describing the battery life of the new Palm
IIIc color model, it says:
"The rechargeable lithium ion battery gives you over two weeks of
constant run time, or 14 days of normal use."
Now we know who hired those engineers that NASA fired.
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Subject: FW: Quoted by Chris Rock
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
The best golfer is a black guy,
The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
The Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"
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The Average Military Man
The average age of the military man is 19 years.
He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country.
He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either.
He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.
He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm Howitzers.
He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk.
He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less
time in the dark.
He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.
He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional.
He can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march.
He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.
He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.
He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle.
He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food.
He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.
He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.
He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death then he should have in his short lifetime.
He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them.
He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed.
He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.
Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom.
Beardless or not, he is not a boy.
He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.
He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.
Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.
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Subject: The French Uniform
This explains the origin of the French military uniform.
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war (so, what's new in this regard?).
During one battle, the French captured an English Major.
Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to interrogate him.
The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his dry, matter-of-fact English style, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wore red coats was so that, if they were shot, the blood wouldn't show; and the troops they were leading wouldn't panic.
And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown pants.
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What is an American?
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So, an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.
"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian, or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache or one of the many other tribes of native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America, they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that, he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God-given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness. An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When the Soviet army overran Afghanistan twenty years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, 2001, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best -- the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest-tossed. These, in fact, are the people who built
America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least thirty other countries, cultures, and first languages – including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So, you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so, you would just be killing yourself, because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit and freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit everywhere is an American.
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Re: Subject: FW: Quoted by Chris Rock
Originally posted by Randolfo
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
The best golfer is a black guy,
The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
The Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"
That's hilarious!! 
I liked that and it's so true. What's this world coming to? LOL! Thanks for that joke!
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong.....
The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable .
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Registered Senior Member
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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There once was a forest with one blind snake and one blind rabbit. Now these creatures had always been blind but they managed to get along well enough.
One day the snake met the rabbit walking along in the woods. They got to talking and discovered that they shared the disability. So the snake says:
"What's the worst thing you know about being blind?"
"Well, I can't look at my reflection, so I don't know what I am."
"Me neither!" exclaimed the snake. "Well, what if I felt all over your body...maybe then I can tell you what you are, that is, if you'll do the same for me."
Thinking this an excellent idea the rabbit readily agreed. The snake slithered all over the rabbit and in a short time announced:
"You have soft fur, long ears, and a fluffly cotton tail. I'd say you must be a rabbit."
The rabbit was pleased. Eager to return the favor the rabbit reached out his paw and felt all over the snake. After a while he proudly said:
"Well, you are slippery and you have no head and no balls. I'd say you must be French."
Sorry, I love the French, but I thought this was too good to resist.
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One US Marine is better than 10 Iraqis... (Just a joke) :P~
Ok, sorry if you've heard this already... if you haven't.... don't get offended.... it's just a joke from an email someone sent me.
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
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Re: One US Marine is better than 10 Iraqis... (Just a joke) :P~
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Registered Senior Member
An Irish joke!
There were two blonde fellas working for the Dublin city council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again "
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today .'
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Registered Senior Member
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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The pope goes on a trip and to pass the time on the plane he starts a crossword puzzle. About halfway through he asks one of the cardinals sitting next to him "what is a four letter word for an older woman than ends in u-n-t?" The cardinal at first thinks of the obvious, but doesn't want to say it. So he thinks and he thinks. Finally he smiles and says "aunt". The pope says "hey, you're right! Hand me that eraser."
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Okay, I'm not sure where the source for this joke came from exactly. It was sent to me via email.
Bill's Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven (Ha, ha. Ya right.) As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
Oh," said Hillary. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" asked Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us Abe told two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office.
"Wow! That's pretty good, isn't it?"
"Not really, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
Last edited by wesmorrisbabe; 05-20-03 at 03:03 PM.
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