Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #461

    Smile Be like Daddy!

    I've got a friend who works as a Doctor. One day, he tells me, he was driving his 3 year old daughter to nursery school.
    He had left his stethoscope in the back seat of his car and on the way there his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

    "Be still my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps..."

    Then the kid spoke into the stethoscope...

    "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"

  2. #462

    Smile Redneck!

    Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer.

    But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was pleanty to eat. 'How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?' one of them asked the other.

    'Easy,' replied the other. 'We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours.'

    By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.

    'Shit!, now what are we going to do?' asked the first.

    'Why don't you just take the black one?' said the second. 'And I'll take the white one.'

  3. #463

    Cool A drunken ambulance

    Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

    As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

    A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

    Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'

  4. #464

    Drunken brawl

    A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

    'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

    Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

    Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

    'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

    Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

    'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

    'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

  5. #465

    Just Two Words (Zen Story)

    There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence,
    no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule.
    Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After
    spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head
    monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words
    you would like to speak?"
    "Bed... hard..." said the monk.
    "I see," replied the head monk.
    Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been
    ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would
    like to speak?"
    "Food... stinks..." said the monk.
    "I see," replied the head monk.
    Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head
    monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"
    "I... quit!" said the monk.
    "Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."

  6. #466

    I gotta funny one!

    What do the Raiders and marijauna have in common?

    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    drumroll............................


    They both get smoked in the bowl

  7. #467

    Whatever Want to buy a watch?

    Standing at the bar, all alone, Jim Flynn was approached by a stranger.

    'Hey there,' said the man out of the corner of his mouth, 'wanna buy a watch?'

    'What's it like?' asked Rynn.

    'Sh!' said the stranger. 'The fellow next to you is still wearing it!'

  8. #468

    Whatever Fighting about Ireland?

    Two men were scuffling outside a pub when along came a huge Irishman - fists like hams - who started taking his coat off.

    'You're fighting about Ireland, aren't you?' he demanded.

    'No, no,' said both men in unison. 'Honestly, it's a personal matter, nothing to do with Ireland at all.'

    'Huh,' muttered the Paddy, and shuffled off. Two seconds later he was back, tearing off his coat saying:

    'So Ireland's not worth fighting about, eh?'

  9. #469

    Smile The cuckoo clock

    Well, Murphy was staggering home trying to plan his entry, his excuse and his drunk condition.

    Quietly, ever so gently, he eased open the front door and tiptoed into the hall. He was just in the process of removing his shoes when it happened. The cuckoo clock came to life and out popped the pesky creature cuckooing three times for three o'clock.

    'What to do?' thought Murphy. Then all of a sudden - inspiration. 'I'll cuckoo another nine times and if she's awake she'll think it's only midnight!'

    So that's what our hero did. It worked. No reaction from the missus. All was calm as he slipped quietly into bed.

    But next morning brought a different picture. As Murphy's head thumped its way back into the world from the oblivion of the night, the bedroom door swung ominously open. There stood the good lady hands on hips - steely-eyed.

    'And what time did you get in last night, dear?' she asked.

    'Quite late, about midnight I think, love,' said Murphy.

    'Well, when you get up I want you to have a look at that clock in the hall. Only last night, at midnight, the strangest thing happened. The clock cuckooed three times, then it coughed, belched, kicked the cat up the backside, and then cuckooed nine more times!'

  10. #470

    Smile Working in the zoo

    Times were tough. The recession had really bitten and jobs were scarce. Murphy had tried everything, manual labour, waiting on tables, window cleaning. Each job just seemed to melt away and now he was desperate. Then he noticed an ad in the evening paper. 'Help needed urgently at Whipsnade Zoo.'

    'Who cares what the work is,' thought Murphy. Till have a go, begod.'

    'Well, Mr Murphy,' said the head keeper, Till tell you the truth. We're desperately short of animals anyway, and now the gorilla has gone down with the flu. We're looking for someone to dress up in a gorilla outfit and bounce around the cage.'

    I'm your man,' said Murphy. I'm your man.'

    So terms were agreed - £100 per week and all the bananas that Murphy could eat, and your man set off with a will.

    All morning he bounded around the cage, swinging from trees, bellowing and charging at the people on the other side of the bars. But if the morning went well, the afternoon was a disaster. Having feasted on five pounds of bananas, Murphy decided to do a little bouncing up and down. Second bounce he landed on a loose floorboard and crashed through the cage bottom into a lower cage full of lions.

    'My God, help me,' screamed Murphy, starting to rip off the gorilla skin.

    'Shut your gob,' said the nearest lion, 'or you'll get us all the sack!'

  11. #471

    Whatever Tree felling

    Casey had got a job felling trees. And he was paid by results. They gave him an electric saw and off into the forest he went. At sunset Casey returned with the other loggers and they counted their trees.

    'I got ninety-eight,' said O'Brien.

    'Ninety-one me,' added Quinn.

    'I only got sixteen,' said Casey.

    'Well, I can't understand that,' said the boss. 'Maybe your saw is defective. Pass it here.'

    The boss pulled the starting rope and the saw burst into life.

    'My God,' said Casey, 'what's that noise?'

  12. #472

    Whatever Two ton truck

    The Maguire boys decided to buy and sell turnips and purchased a two-ton truck for the job. On the first day they bought two tons of turnips at 20p a pound and sold them at the market for the same price. At the end of the day Sean said, 'Dermott, this is ridiculous, we've sold every turnip and haven't made a penny profit!'

    'Sure I know what it is,' replied Dermott, 'we need a bigger lorry!'

  13. #473
    Originally posted by Nebula
    q: What does NASA stand for?
    a: Need Another Seven Astronauts



    Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

    Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
    A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

    Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
    A: One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.
    Very good. im very imprest

  14. #474
    WildBlueYonder
    Guest

    wash day

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

    He yelled back, "GREEN BAY PACKERS".

  15. #475
    WildBlueYonder
    Guest

    I needed this and thought you might too.......

    I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued friend. This worked for me and I think it may work for you.

    I have found Inner Peace. Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to "Finish Things You Have Started." So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked. I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

    Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace .

  16. #476
    Words of wisdom!
    Thanks, very inspiring! ..I can’t wait until my boss gets here.

  17. #477

    Unhappy We’ve being lied all our lives!

    Who was the first Man n the Moon? Neil Armstrong?

    Think again, …it was Steven De Lamas, the camera man that got the film of Neil doing that first step on the moon surface!!

  18. #478

    Cool A Child's Prayer

    One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
    The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

    The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

    The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

    Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

    Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"


  19. #479

    Whatever A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY

    A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
    He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.


  20. #480
    Sciforums:Reality not required Kunax's Avatar
    Posts
    2,385

    Talking

    eeeeew lol

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