Jokes and Funny Stories

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They'd been stranded on the island now for over two years. Three shipwrecked sailors who had been lucky to survive and had made the best of the natural resources they'd found. But now it was becoming obvious that there was no possible hope of rescue. Doomed to a lonely, monotonous existence, they sat on the beach and stared out to sea. Suddenly there was a glint in the water - yes - definitely something shining, bouncing on the waves. Yes, there it was, a bottle. Yes, a bottle. Maybe there was a message in it it was certainly corked.

Quickly, Angus the Scot snatched it up and pulled out the cork.

There was a huge puff of smoke and out curled a genie.

'Thank you, master. You have released me from an evil curse. And to reward you I shall grant each of you a wish. What will they be?'

'Well,' said Angus, 'I'd like ten million pounds, a country estate in Scotland and a beautiful wife.'

'It shall be done,' said the genie and Angus disappeared to be re-sited in Scotland.

'As for me,' said Quentin, 'I'd also like ten million pounds, but my estate would be in lovely Hampshire with my darling Dorothy there to love me.'

'It shall be done,' said the genie again, and off went the Englishman.

'And what about you?' said the spirit to Murphy. 'What is your wish?'

'Well,' said the Kerryman, 'I don't want money or land. I'm lonely and need company. I miss Angus and Quentin, wish the two lads were back here!'

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Casey had decided on a holiday with a difference. No seaside this year, no holiday park, no caravan. No, this year he would go abroad. Somewhere in Europe. France? Yes, France.

'But surely you'll have terrible trouble with the language,' suggested Kelly.

'Not at all,' said Casey. 'Sure I've studied French for over two weeks and I have it off to a T.'

'Well, give me an example,' pressed Kelly, totally unconvinced.

'Well,' explained Casey, 'supposing I was lost in France and I was hungry. I would go to a farmhouse and say to the farmer: Pardonnez moi monsieur, avez-vous un oeuf? and he'd give me an egg.'

'That's all very well,' argued Kelly. 'But supposing you want two eggs, what then?'

'Exactly the same,' sighed Kelly. 'I would say: Avez vous trois oeufs? and he'd give me three and I'd give him one back!'

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Ryan and Rourke were travelling to America, flying for the first time and, more than apprehensive, they were frightened stiff. Every noise, every jerk of the plane had their hearts beating fast. To make matters worse they had one of those pilots who likes to relate every little detail to the passengers.

'Ladies and gents,' he began, 'You may have noticed a wee jolt just now. That was in fact the number one engine cutting out. It's a little irregular but don't worry because we have three more. It does mean though that we'll be an hour late reaching New York.'

Hardly five minutes were gone before the man was on the microphone again:

'Apologies folks, but we've lost engine number two. We still have two left, but we will be another hour late.'

Before the tremors of panic had settled themselves, the boys heard the next fatal announcement:

'Once again, my apologies ladies and gentlemen, but it now seems that we've lost number three engine. This will delay us a further two hours.'

'Begod,' said Ryan to Rourke, 'if we lose the last engine we'll be up here all day!'

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A workman was repairing the roof of the Liverpool Cathedral. Into the chapel below came the widow Cassidy bearing the world's troubles on her shoulders.

Kneeling down she poured out her heart at a great level of decibels.

'Mother of God, help me!' she cried.

'Mother of God, help me!'

Unable to contain himself the roofer called down in a booming voice:

'What do you want?'

'Don't be so nosy!' shouted the widow. 'It's your mother I'm talking to!'

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The American tourist was walking around the cathedral admiring the architecture.

'Are you enjoying your visit to Ireland?' asked a young priest.

'Very much, Father, but I can't get on with the whiskey it's far too strong for me,' said the Yank.

'Why so?' asked the priest.

'Well, I got drunk on it on Saturday night and crashed out unconscious. Sunday morning I woke at 5 a.m. bright as a button. I went to 6 o'clock mass, 7 o'clock mass, 8 o'clock, nine, ten and eleven o'clock mass. Then I went to afternoon Rosary, sermon, Stations of the Cross and Benediction!'

'So what's wrong with that?' asked the priest.

'I'm a Protestant!' said the tourist.

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So there stood the visiting missionary Father O'Sullivan, six feet tall, so red in the face he was nearly purple. As he stared from the pulpit he scanned the crowded church and, without warning, launched into an almighty tirade.

'Let me tell yez all this. Then I'll tell you no more,' he bellowed. The whole parish is going to hell. Everyone in this parish is going to hell!'

Stunned silence - open mouths - fear filled eyes -laughter. Laughter? Laughter? - from whom? Laughter from a little old man in the front row.

The whole parish is going to hell. Every man, woman and child is going to hell. No escape, yez are all doomed.'

Silence - well, almost. All were transfixed except our little friend at the front. He was almost in hysterics.

'Didn't you hear me?' said Father O'Sullivan. 'I said the whole parish is going to hell.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'but I'm from the next parish, Father.'

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The two Irishmen were escaping from the prisoner of war camp by scaling the fence. One stumbled and the guard called, 'Who goes there?'

'Miaow!' came the reply from Pat, and away he crept.

The second stumbled and the guard again called, 'Who goes there?'

Mick answered 'Another cat!'

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'Adolf Hitler drives down this road every night at 9.15 pm,' said Casey the commando. 'We'll catch him in cross-fire and blow the devil's brains out.'

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Make no mistakes. Pour in the bullets and riddle his evil carcass. Rip him to shreds,' added Casey.

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Smash him to pulp, lob grenades and phosphorous bombs and obliterate him from the face of the earth!'

'Right,' said Murphy.

There they lay, the two intrepid Kerrymen. Nine o'clock, 9.15, 9.30, 10.30 - still no Hitler.

'He's awful late,' said Casey. 'I hope nothing's happened to him!'

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Rooney was seen trying to shin up a huge flagpole, and having little success.

'What's the problem?' asked Magee.

'The boss wants me to measure this pole,' said Rooney.

'Well, to save yourself the effort why don't you lay the pole down?' Magee said.

'No good,' reasoned Rooney. 'He wants the height not the length.'

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The two G.I’s had fought in southern Iraq. Captured by the Republican Guards troops they faced a firing squad.

'Is there any last word you would like to say before you're shot?' asked the captain.

'Yes,' shouted Flanagan. 'I'd like to say that your president Saddam is the biggest twit on God's earth.'

'Quiet!' snapped Murphy. 'Don't cause trouble!'

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'At the time of the accident you were in charge of the one-man doubledeck bus?' asked the judge.

'I was indeed your honour,' replied Casey. 'Can you tell the court what happened?' 'I can't sir,' said Casey, 'because at the time I was upstairs collecting the fares!'

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It was the height of the war and ships were being lost at a terrible rate from submarine activity in the North Atlantic. It seemed that no ship lasted more than five or six trips before being torpedoed and sunk. All that is except the Emerald Isle freighter skippered by Seamus McKenna and crewed by Kerry's finest. The Emerald Isle had survived over fifty trips. Eventually news of this amazing feat was sent to the Admiralty and their lordships decided to find out the secret.

They placed a veteran officer on board and he questioned the skipper.

'We can't believe that your survival is just down to good luck,' he said.

'No, no. Not at all,' replied McKenna. 'Sure, our success is due to a very simple anti-torpedo drill. Wait till we're in the thick of it and we'll show you.'

Two days later the convoy reached the notorious stretch of sea called 'Submarine Alley'. Within twenty minutes, five ships had been hit and blown up. Suddenly, the lookout on the Emerald Isle called Torpedo on the port bow!' Out in the distance the British officer could see the bubbles and the track of the torpedo.

'Right, lads,' called McKenna. Torpedo drill. Everyone to the port side.'

Every man ran to the rail.

'Now,' shouted McKenna. 'Everybody lift!'

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'Private Muldoon, you are the worst shot I've ever seen!' said the corporal.

'Does that mean I won't be going to the front?' asked Muldoon hopefully.

'No, son,' said the corporal. 'It means you won't be coming back.'

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The Cold War was at its height when Brezhnev was in charge of Russia. Things did not look so good in the West and the mayor of Ballygobackwards was distressed.

'Inhumanity, suffering, international distrust, all because of one man and one country,' he said. "Tis time someone took him to task.'

'Agreed,' said the rest of the council. 'Agreed!'

'Right then,' said the major. 'We'll declare war on Russia as of now and tell them that if they don't toe the line we'll invade.'

'Agreed,' said the council, and the declaration of war was drawn up. Paddy Rafferty was delegated to deliver the document personally to Brezhnev in Moscow, and off he set.

By car, by taxi, by horse, by rail, by sea and finally by air, Rafferty travelled till he got to the Kremlin.

'Brezhnev,' he said addressing the man face to face. 'It's war, and there's no turning back!'

'Wait a minute,' said Brezhnev. 'I've never even heard of Ballygobackwards. Does it have an army?'

'No,' said Rafferty, 'but we have our twelve policemen.'

'Does it have tanks, guns and planes?' asked Brezhnev.

'No, but we've lots of horses, two shotguns and a kite!' insisted the Irishman.

'What about ships?' went on the Russian leader.

'Aha, got you there,' said Rafferty. 'We've three motor boats and several kayaks!'

'But my dear fellow,' beamed Brezhnev, 'we have thousands of tanks, guns and planes. We have the greatest navy afloat. We have an army of twenty-five million men...'

'How many men?' asked Rafferty.

Twenty-five million,' said the Russian.

'In that case,' said Rafferty, 'the war's off.'

'Are you scared?' asked Brezhnev.

'No,' replied Rafferty, 'but we've nowhere place to put all the prisoners!'

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A mexican was taking his bride home. They were carried by a donkey and the path up the mountain was steep and rocky. The donkey, struggling under the weight of the bride and groom stumbled and threw them both to the ground. The groom helped his bride back onto the donkey and said: "One."

A little way further up the path the donkey stumbled once more. Again the couple were thrown to the ground and again the groom helped his bride back onto the donkey. This time he said: "Two."

They hadn't got twenty yards when the donkey stumbled again. This time the mexican drew his pistol and shot the donkey through the head. "Three," he said.

The bride was astonished. "What did you go and do that for?" she said. "Now we have no donkey and your house is another three miles up this steep mountain. You are so stupid."

The mexican turned to his bride, looked her calmly in the eye and said: "One."

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A man walked into a bar with a dog at his side. "Get that dog out of here," ordered the bartender. The dog's owner became indignant. "This here dog isn't any old dog," he said."He's the smartest dog in the whole world."

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" challenged the bartender.

Turning to the dog, the man said,"Fido, here's five bucks. Go get me a pack of Lucky Strikes." The dog ran out the door and, within a few minutes, returned with the cigarettes and some matches in a little brown bag.

The barman was impressed. "Maybe that dog really is smart. How about if I give him $50 and ask him to bring me back a bag of pot from the local drug pusher?"

"Sure," said the dog's owner. The bartender gave the dog the money and directions, and the dog was on his way. Ten minutes went by. Half an hour. After an hour, the dog still hadn't returned. By now the bartender, sure he'd been cheated, threw the dog's owner out of the bar. The man wandered several blocks in search of this errant mutt. Finally he came to an alley, and there was Fido, screwing a mangy-looking French poodle.

"Why, you son of a bitch," screamed the man, separating the two dogs."You really blew the act this time. How could you do this to me? You've never done anything like this before!"

"True," replied the dog. "But I never had $50 before, either."

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A man goes into a pet shop looking for something really unusual to take home as a pet.
"I have just the thing for you," says the proprietor and takes the man out to the back of the shop where he shows him an animal in a cage.
"But that's just a ferret," says the man.
"Not just a ferret," the proprietor assures him, "this is a goblin Ferret."
"Oh yes," the customer says. " And what's so unusual about that?"
"Pull your trousers down and stand in front of the cage," says the shopkeeper. This the man does after a little persuasion. The proprietor released the animal who spots the customer with his trousers down and immediately leaps onto his todger and gives him the finest blowjob he has ever experienced.
"That's fantastic," gasps the customer when the animal is finished. "I'll take it."
He takes the goblin ferret home and shows it to his wife who examines the animal disdainfully. "Goblin ferret?" she sneers. "And what the hell am I supposed to do with that?"
"Teach it to cook and piss off," the man replied.

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A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

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Three soldiers, An American, a British and an Irish in the Persian Gulf war were captured by the Iraqi army and thrown into a prison.

When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:

"Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that'll give us a few seconds to get away."

A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: "Ready! ... Aim! ..." when the American screamed in panic "EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!". The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.

The squad then reassembled and the British soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, "Ready!...Aim!...." and the British guy shouted "LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!", and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the British a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Irish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:

"Ready!... Aim! ..." and the Irish soldier then yelled "FIRE!!....."