Jokes and Funny Stories

[Microzoft]

Associated Press:
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

"Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky

[Microzoft]

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
--
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
--
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

---
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
---
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
---
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
---
Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!"
----
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
----
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
---
One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
---
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
---
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
----
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
----
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
---
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
---
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
---
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
--
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

[Microzoft]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile",

the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis
car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs
agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and
you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy
with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!!!

[Microzoft]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of the men's room. Each time he tried the room was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the ladies' room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR".

Eventually his curiosity got the best of him and while sitting there he carefully pushed the first button marked "WW". Immediately warm water sprayed gently over his entire buttom. He taught, Golly, the girls really have it made. Still curious, he pressed the next button marked "WA". Immediately, warm air dried his buttom completely. This, he thought, was out of this world. The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which patted his buttom lightly with scented powder. Naturally, he just couldn't resist the last one marked "ATR".

When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies' room aboard a plane". The nurse replied, Yes, you were but you were cautioned about pressing the buttons. You were really having a good time until you pressed the button marked "ATR" which stands for automatic tampax remover. Your penis is under your pillow.

[Microzoft]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[Microzoft]

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

[Microzoft]

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease
to be amused."

Mathematicians....don't sin, they sine.
....always have a nice tan.
....are always going off on a tangent.

Practical Math Application:

He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
and said, "Now that's addition."

As he added smack by smack
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back
and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said,
"That's multiplication."

Then Dad appeared upon the scene and
Made a quick decision.
He kicked that kid three blocks away
And said, "That's long division!"

[Microzoft]

(Cost Analysis)
The cost of producing is mixed.
Part of that cost will be fixed
and the rest, never-ending
on level depending
(or maybe on politics).

(Logarithms)
Do logs give you logarrhea?
Is a logjam drawing near?
Just use your cerdentials
and take exponentials
to make those ol' logs disappear.

(Compound interest)
"Nothing succeeds like success,"
as these formulas show with finesses.
Thus again and again
A gets bigger with n
though not quite as big as you'd guess.

(Annuities)
And now here's another fine source
(to tickle your brains in this course)
of mo' and mo' dough.
It's dough a go-go.
Oh, don't you just wish it was yours?

Next by Kleinhenz, Robert J.

When asked what it was like to set about proving something, the
mathematician likened proving a theorem to seeing the peak of a mountain
and trying to climb to the top. One establishes a base camp and begins
scaling the mountain's sheer face, encountering obstacles at every turn,
often retracing one's steps and struggling every foot of the
journey. Finally when the top is reached, one stands examining the peak,
taking in the view of the surrounding countrysideand then noting the
automobile road up the other side!

[Microzoft]

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

[Microzoft]

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

[IXL777]

Originally posted by Microzoft
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

Well done Micro keep the good work going!!

[Microzoft]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Microzoft]

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question."

So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?"

"Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?"

"Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......

[Microzoft]

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called eye.

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

[Microzoft]

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"

[Microzoft]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very gru dgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

[Microzoft]

A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.'

'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the depar tment of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate.'

'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.'

His wife retorted, 'Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!'

[Microzoft]

A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.

'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my donger.'

'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?'

'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'

[Nebula]

q: What does NASA stand for?
a: Need Another Seven Astronauts



Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

[Microzoft]

Thank you nebula!