Jokes and Funny Stories

[Tallguy]

and....

[IXL777]

Originally posted by Microzoft
Thanks!
Some I translate from other languages into a form that makes sense in english. Others from friends and also fron the internet. In any case, I'm selective at what comes here!

Anyway Micro keep the good work going..I have a laugh before going to work..thanks

[EvilPoet]

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks
him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes
in a puff of logic.


How many philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, and two to argue over whether or
not the light bulb really exists.

[Microzoft]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
"passionate embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself
as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....

"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt!!!!!!!!!

[IXL777]

Originally posted by EvilPoet
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks
him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes
in a puff of logic.


How many philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, and two to argue over whether or
not the light bulb really exists.

Poet , have you anymore philosophy jokes , they are my favourite.
Thanks
Dominic

[Microzoft]

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

"So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right."

[Microzoft]

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

[Microzoft]

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - *POOF* - they are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, a Redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...."

*POOF*

[Microzoft]

Descartes walks into a café and sits down ready to order. A
waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!

How do the folks with one thesis and a new antithesis resolve theirdifferences? ...They Hagel about it!

In the Bat Man versus Maimonedes Espisode, what were the Sound Effects?
"Ramm! Bamm!"

How do Christian Existentialists stop themselves from Drinking and driving too much?
With a Kir-Car-Guard!

What was Sir Isaac eating when he discovered calculus?
Fig. Newton's.

When Hobbes wanted to lose weight, what did he eat?
Levia-Thins!

How many deconstructionists does it take to ruin a Novel?
Fish!

What is the Analytical philosphers favorite beer?
Wittgenstein!

In what Danish city will you only get a speeding ticket if they don't
know where you are?
Heizenberg!

What bird is the patron saint of the philosophy haters?
Quayle

And of course What is the most important lesson of Plato?
Keep the lid on!

[IXL777]

Originally posted by Microzoft
Descartes walks into a café and sits down ready to order. A
waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!

How do the folks with one thesis and a new antithesis resolve theirdifferences? ...They Hagel about it!

In the Bat Man versus Maimonedes Espisode, what were the Sound Effects?
"Ramm! Bamm!"

How do Christian Existentialists stop themselves from Drinking and driving too much?
With a Kir-Car-Guard!

What was Sir Isaac eating when he discovered calculus?
Fig. Newton's.

When Hobbes wanted to lose weight, what did he eat?
Levia-Thins!

How many deconstructionists does it take to ruin a Novel?
Fish!

What is the Analytical philosphers favorite beer?
Wittgenstein!

In what Danish city will you only get a speeding ticket if they don't
know where you are?
Heizenberg!

What bird is the patron saint of the philosophy haters?
Quayle

And of course What is the most important lesson of Plato?
Keep the lid on!

Micro, thanks a million..

[Microzoft]

Non-Universal Ethics Notice:

Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not
universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the
manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness",
"equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the advertised properties of the product.

___&___
Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:

Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and ephysema,
and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart
disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by
unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke
or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or
die.

___&___
Math, Physics, & Philosophy
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

[Microzoft]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[Microzoft]

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

[Microzoft]

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.

Upset, she asked where he'd been.

The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled,
"I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

[Microzoft]

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[Microzoft]

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

[Microzoft]

1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
---They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
---They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
---Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
---A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
---They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
---Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
---A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
---Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
---Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
---They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
---If it were more, it would be Hell.

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
--- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
---c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
---They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
---The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
---They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
---About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
---Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
---A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
---They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.

25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
--- "I'm sooooo drunk!"

[Microzoft]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.

The Child asks "Mother, where do babies com from" .

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well
dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go
into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

"The child looks puzzled so the Mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey.

"The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?"

The Mother says "Jewelry, dear.

[Microzoft]

A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn't stand it. "I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen!" "Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?" "Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion" "Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow" "2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend." "Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning." "3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!" "OK, but I will have to butt-fuck you first." Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over. The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!" And the guy answers, "I cant believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"

[Microzoft]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get
it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his
hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall
when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide,
he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory
she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.
Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she
yells... "hand lotion!"