Jokes and Funny Stories

[spookz]

maybe all you fucktards can appreciate my sense of humor this time around!!

why georgie wants to do saddam

[spookz]

the nigerian spoof

[Microzoft]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar -- effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room
for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing/etc.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner
party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full
your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[Microzoft]

Originally posted by spookz
the nigerian spoof

Hey yo man, you’ve being dancing that fairytale of yours all over the forums like a lost child without a yo mama. And now you landed it n this high class thread?
…Well motherfucker, what a great idea you had, thanks a lot for your contribution and keep up the good work!!

[spookz]

you do know the nigerian spoof referred to this joke that you posted, yes?

http://www.sciforums.com/showthread....968#post251968

[Microzoft]

Originally posted by spookz


you do know the nigerian spoof referred to this joke that you posted, yes?

http://www.sciforums.com/showthread....968#post251968

Great, I don't see the link, but hey! if its funny, why not.

[Walker]

This guy is talking to his bartender, and tells him the sad and unfortunate tale of his incarcerated brother, who is jailed for a crime he did not commit.

The bartender says, "man, that's a tough break."

The guy replies "yeah, and to top it all off, this group of guys jumped him in the shower and roughed him up, and once he was on the ground, they...well..."

The bartender prompts his friend to continue, so he goes on, "Well, they bent him over and 'did' him in his...his, uh..."

The bartender asks, impatiently, "rectum?"

And the guy replies, "Wrecked um?? Nearly killed 'im!"

ba-da-bump.

[IXL777]

Originally posted by Microzoft
Thanks for the advice IXL777.

Believe me I tried, I really tried but I start laughing to the point of hysterical and can never get pass the second page! I sought medical advice, and all I got was that either I stop reading my jokes when I’m writing them or must cover my ears.
..nothing works!

I think there could be a good market world-wide if you set the jokes in all different languages..watch copyright..try and keep them all original.....don't forget me when you become a millionaire..THE WORLD IS CRYING OUT FOR LAUGHTER

[Microzoft]

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

[Microzoft]

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."

[Microzoft]

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

[Microzoft]

CLEVELAND, OH (DPI) - Police were called to 234 Southbend Crescent her early yesterday to break up a savage hate-motivated, single-person beating. In custody is self-mutilator Mark Richmond, a member of the neo-Nazi Southbend skinhead gang, who apparently learned late Monday that he was in fact adopted from a Jewish family.
"We told him his real name is Moishe Lowenstein," says father David Richmond. "He took it pretty hard. He stayed up all night drinking and around 6 this morning we heard him yelling at himself. But we never thought it would lead to this."

Apparently Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein began cursing himself and accused himself of being part of a "worldwide Jew conspiracy."

His abuse then escalated into punching and face scratching until he finally threw himself through a first story kitchen window.

"Glass was everywhere. We're really shaken by this," says his adoptive mother Helen. "And being a Jew, I doubt he'll pay for it. You know how those people are."

Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein is currently being held in protective custody after vowing there would be trouble "if I ever see myself around here again."

- Robert Payne
(c) The Daily Probe

[Microzoft]

An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats.
"Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, "what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where did you come from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony section."

[Bachus]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

[Microzoft]

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What are the two greatest lies?
"The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."

What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop for directions.

[Microzoft]

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

[Microzoft]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

[Microzoft]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[IXL777]

Originally posted by Microzoft
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

"Where do you get all these jokes from? I do admire your endevour..you manage to keep the forum laughing

[Microzoft]

Originally posted by IXL777
"Where do you get all these jokes from? I do admire your endevour..you manage to keep the forum laughing

Thanks!
Some I translate from other languages into a form that makes sense in english. Others from friends and also fron the internet. In any case, I'm selective at what comes here!