04-26-12, 07:31 PM #2261
04-26-12, 08:35 PM #2262
Who watches the pornhounds?
It's a modification of the latin who watches the watchmen?
Well..."pornoies" may not be a strictly accurate translation.
04-26-12, 11:07 PM #2263
05-01-12, 07:41 AM #2264
hi, god please save me....
05-01-12, 10:39 AM #2265
A cold winter ...
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now."
05-01-12, 11:18 AM #2266
05-09-12, 04:31 AM #2267
Which is the favorite channel of all the snakes?
The answer is hissss-tory.
05-09-12, 10:33 AM #2268
05-10-12, 10:46 PM #2269
I like this stuff ....
1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
2. When chemists die, they barium.
3. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
4. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.
5. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
6. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
7. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
8. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
9. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
10. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
11. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
12. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
13. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
14. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
15. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
16. Broken pencils are pointless.
17. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
18. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
19. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
20. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
21. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
22. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
23. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
24. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
25. Velcro — what a rip off!
26. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
27. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer
05-15-12, 04:47 PM #2270
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
05-22-12, 09:29 AM #2271
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . ..
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.
05-26-12, 09:56 PM #2272
just found this quip on facebook...
Have you ever notice that in the search for intelligent life, that all instruments are pointed AWAY from earth??
05-31-12, 11:08 AM #2273
Some waiting on death row, may not be put to death because the drug long used for this has not been shown (to FDA) to be safe! I kid you not:
"Two months after a federal judge chastised the FDA for allowing various states to import thiopental sodium for use in executions, the agency is appealing an accompanying order that banned imports. In his March 27 ruling, US Distrct Court Judge Richard Leon sided with several death row inmates who claimed the FDA violated federal law, because there was no official safety and effectiveness review for the medication. ..."
05-31-12, 11:59 AM #2274
06-05-12, 01:35 PM #2275
Singing in Church
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
Pass this along and make someone smile today.
(I just did).
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... it burns calories.
06-05-12, 05:11 PM #2276
Subject: Advantage to Being Muslim
If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo on your desk.
06-06-12, 06:10 AM #2277
A man walks into a cheese shop.
Then walks out 'cause it's all Gouda.
06-06-12, 03:53 PM #2278
06-06-12, 04:29 PM #2279
06-08-12, 02:20 PM #2280Maxine at Starbucks
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !