Jokes and Funny Stories

[scheherazade]

Texting for the Elderly


ATD
At the Doctors

BFF
Best Friend Fell

BTW
Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT
Bring your own Teeth

FWIW
Forget where I was

GGPBL
Gotta go pacemaker battery low

GHA
Got heartburn again

IMHO
Is my hearing aid on

LMDO
Laughing my dentures out

OMSG
Oh my! Sorry, gas

ROFLACGU
Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

TTYL
Talk to you louder

[KilljoyKlown]

Fat Chance

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident
on the eve of their wedding. When they reached
the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked
if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible.
Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together
waiting for your answer, we need to know that
if things don't work out there's a possibility
that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six
months to find a priest up here...how long do
you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[KilljoyKlown]

Understanding Women is now out in paperback

Pick up your copy today and have an edge over others!

[NMSquirrel]

who was it that wanted to know what apps they could program for cell phones
?

[The Esotericist]

A plane left Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reached cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activated the auto-pilot, leant back in his seat, and muttered, “I don’t like Chinese.”

“No rike Chinese?” asked the co-pilot, “why not?”

“You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that’s why!”

“No, no”, the co-pilot protested, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”


“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese…doesn’t matter, you’re all alike.”

There was a few minutes of silence….

“I no rike Jews,” the co-pilot suddenly announced.

“Oh yeah, why not?” the captain asked.

“Jews sink Titanic.” the co-pilot replied.

“What? That is insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” the captain exclaimed. “It was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, nomattah…all same.”

[KilljoyKlown]

Family issues

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the
barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one
hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother
is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar
and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender
asked what the problem was today the answer came
back, "I've just found out that my younger brother
is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar
and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody
in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[KilljoyKlown]

Fast Drinking

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on
a stool. The bartender looks at him and says,
"What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey
shots and make them doubles." The bartender does
this and watches the man slug one down, then
the next, then the next, and so on until all
seven are gone almost as quickly as they were
served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks
why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had
what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have
pal?"

The man quickly replies, "a dollar."

[KilljoyKlown]

Fat Chance

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident
on the eve of their wedding. When they reached
the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked
if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible.
Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together
waiting for your answer, we need to know that
if things don't work out there's a possibility
that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six
months to find a priest up here...how long do
you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[scheherazade]

Once upon a time there were two skunks, one named In and one named Out. One day, Out was in, and In was out. In's mother was also in with Out. In's mother said to Out, "Go out, Out, and get In." So out went Out. After only half a minute back in came Out with In. In's mother said to Out, "How did you find In so fast?" Out said, "In stinked!"

[scheherazade]

NEW WORLD SURVEY

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent of the researcher.

[scheherazade]

[scheherazade]

[scheherazade]

I enjoy irony.

That and the fact that someone has spelled Video's incorrectly.

[NMSquirrel]

I enjoy irony.

That and the fact that someone has spelled Video's incorrectly.

they spelled it exactly as you did...

[gmilam]

Who is "video"?

[scheherazade]

they spelled it exactly as you did...

LOL....

I but pointed out the error for those inclined to overlook the obvious.

Who knows but some may have had to double check the correct spelling?

[KilljoyKlown]

I enjoy irony.

That and the fact that someone has spelled Video's incorrectly.

I know videos does not have a contraction, but any irony is over my head here. Can you please help clarify the irony part for me?

[Cortex_Colossum]

they spelled it exactly as you did...

Which page?

[NMSquirrel]

I know videos does not have a contraction, but any irony is over my head here. Can you please help clarify the irony part for me?

check the van..

I do not have the pic handy but i am sure most everyone has seen the 'jesus is watching you' billboard over the adult store..(that pic was took in my town..)

[KilljoyKlown]

This one's for you NMSquirrel

Church Squirrels


There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, The Presbyterian Church
Called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church Came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about The Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.