Jokes and Funny Stories

[KilljoyKlown]

Yes, I get it now! I mistook the meaning of "I got it for my husband".

My take on this joke was she did get the wine for her husband as a gift and the Indian took her meaning differently.

[scheherazade]

In her POF Profile an attractive lonely widow wrote, "COMPANION WANTED - MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60S); MUST NOT BEAT ME; MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME; MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day, she answered the doorbell and, much to her dismay, saw a handsome, distinguished grey-haired gentleman in a faded USAF pilot's jacket sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.


The lady said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The man smiled, "Therefore, I can't run around on you!"

"But you don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.

Again, he smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Well, are you still good in bed?"

The man leaned back, beamed at her a large grin and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Heaven forbid that we should discriminate against the differently enabled.

[scheherazade]

For many years, I've battled with the infamous "Dunlop's Disease" ...
a condition caused by age and lake of proper maintenance in which
your "stomach `done lopped' over your belt."
I had noticed that most women do not suffer from this condition,
many of them accumulating any excess weight on the hips and thighs,
and/or under the belt.

I've recently discovered, however, that some women also suffer from a
malady similar to Dunlop's disease in that it is also caused by age
and lack of maintenance called "Bureau Breakdown" ...
in which your chest falls into your drawers.

--Emmett

[KilljoyKlown]

Does the elavator go all the way to the top?


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.


The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"


The father, (never having seen an elevator),
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and
the boy and his father watched small circles
of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up
in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old
woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!!"

[Billy T]

... I've recently discovered, however, that some women also suffer from a
malady similar to Dunlop's disease in that it is also caused by age
and lack of maintenance called "Bureau Breakdown" ...
in which your chest falls into your drawers. --Emmett

This reminded me of old lady admitted into hospital with shattered knee. When asked how it happend she told doctor she was depressed and tried to kill herself with son´s pistol, but not being sure where her heart was, she read it was under the left breast.

[scheherazade]

[cosmictraveler]

An interesting take on the song "The Candyman"

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5u03KAcEbEo



These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were
taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."


3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document." (My Favorite)


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)


6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."


11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."


12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime
Information Center )


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.... Sign here."
_________________





Barak and Michelle are at the World Series Game 6. They are sitting
in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly
behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and
whispers something to Barak. At first, Obama stares at the
guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his
head No. The agent then says, Mr. President, it was a
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy.

Obama hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent
tells him the fans would love it!

Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people want. C'mere Michelle baby...With that,
Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall
onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, Barak,
you !^$#@&!

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down,
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama
is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the
agent and says, How about that. I would have never
believed how much everyone would enjoy that."

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks
what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the
first pitch

[KilljoyKlown]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter' she said. 'Just get the “HELL” out.'



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is a husband.

[Billy T]

KilljoyKlown, your VW bug with flashing license plate remineded me of what I think is true case after lady divorced very rich husband. On back of very expensive BMW sports car the custom license tag read:

WAS HIS

[Twelve]

A SUPERSTITIOUS MAN

-"I'm a very superstitious man. I was born on the 5th May at five o'clock in the morning.
On my fifty-fifth birthday I bought a lottery ticket. The number of the ticket was five hundred and fifty-five thousand, five hundred and fifty-five. I won five thousand pounds.
So I came to Ascot and I put all the money on the fifth horse in the fifth race ..." - He explained.

-"That's wonderful! How much did you win?" - Asked to him

-"Nothing. My horse came in fifth ..."

[KilljoyKlown]

A Great Hunt


Shot my first turkey yesterday!

Scared the shit

outta everyone

in the frozen food section.





It was awesome!

Gettin' old is so much fun...

[scheherazade]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's the husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

[scheherazade]

An old man goes to the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

[arfa brane]

Math joke:

Q: Why was Superman keen to learn first-order logic?

A: Because he would be able to quantify free variables in a single bound.

[scheherazade]

[Billy T]

"... If you live in Ohio and have a need for Viagra or some other impotence pill, a newly introduced bill would require your doctor to first conduct a cardiac stress test, refer you to a sex therapist for a written report on why you need the drug and - get this - obtain a notarized affidavit from at least one sex partner certifying you had trouble standing at attention during the past 90 days. ..." From: http://www.pharmalot.com/2012/03/wan...-notary-first/

I just noticed that NOTARY is contraction of Not A Rise Yet.

[scheherazade]

It's okay to laugh.....

I'm a female and I think it is outlandishly hilarious.

The dangers of contemplating politics and sex simultaneously results in this:

[KilljoyKlown]

Endearments

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request
to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That
is really nice, that after all these years that
you have been married, you keep calling your
wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell
the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

[Shogun]

[KilljoyKlown]

Everything Is Big In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt
the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything
is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided
to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he
ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in
Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked
the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"