Jokes and Funny Stories

[KilljoyKlown]

Being old, I did find this very entertaining.

Just in Case You Have Nothing Better to Do (i.e. Bored)
Just Click on the Door Stop then click on the larger image

Or COPY URL to Browser:
http://garyc.me/fun/bring.swf
It is amazing how little it takes to entertain senior citizens!!!!!

[KilljoyKlown]

Different Twins

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance
to each other was their looks. If one felt it
was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed
the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in
every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other
a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins'
birthday their father loaded the pessimist's
room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.


That night the father passed by the pessimist's
room and found him sitting amid his new gifts
crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have
to read all these instructions before I can do
anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's
got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

[scheherazade]

Originally posted by KilljoyKlown

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's
got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

You had to know that I would comment on this one, KJ.

[KilljoyKlown]

You had to know that I would comment on this one, KJ.

The thought did cross my mind, but I feel ignored in this topic. I thought sure someone would comment on the door stop.

[KilljoyKlown]

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Billy T]

I don´t know where else to post this news, but just as golf has been added to list of Olympic contests, so has "kick the can down the road" become a new Olympic contest, but only central banks can compete.

[KilljoyKlown]

In my experience, this tactic doesn't help the problem very much.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

[scheherazade]

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist


Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.


So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to:.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"... no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"... still no good.

"Loons and Moons"... forget it.

The docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends. "

Everyone loved it.

[cosmictraveler]

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.



Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

[scheherazade]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she
decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and
said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr
Bumbutu's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered,

'Hickory, dickory dock....'

[KilljoyKlown]

Chili Cook offs


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?


FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report. Our best wishes to him in a speedy recovery.)

[KilljoyKlown]

[KilljoyKlown]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE



For all of us who are married, were married, wish


you were married, or wish you weren't married, this


is something to smile about the next time you see a


bottle of wine:



Sally was driving home from one of her business


trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly


Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped


the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like


a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into


the car.



Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make


a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old


woman just sat silently, looking intently at


everything she saw, studying every little detail,


until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to


Sally.



'What in bag?' asked the old woman.



Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's


a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'



The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or


two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
elder,


she said:



'Good trade.....'

[Pandaemoni]

Chili Cook offs


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?


FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report. Our best wishes to him in a speedy recovery.)

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron. Interesting to see how it has changed over the years (much of it to add fart and shit jokes and to set it in Texas and making Frank someone from the East Coast).

The original piece can be found here: http://www.chilicookin.com/humor.htm

[Twelve]

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

Good trade? Why was a bottle of wine supposed to be a good trade? Sorry, I dont' understand it.

[Billy T]

Good trade? Why was a bottle of wine supposed to be a good trade? ...

Saddly, for many husbands, yes.

[Twelve]

Saddly, for many husbands, yes.

I don't doubt it, but ... anyway I can't understand the meaning of that story yet. I mean it. A bottle of wine is regarded as a right gift ...

We only know that Sally got a bottle of wine for his husband -we don't know whether it was about a truly fine bottle of wine bought at an expensive winery or a cheap one bought at the petrol station shop-.
Later a Navajo woman says that the bottle of wine was a "good trade".
By your answer, I guess that Sally had evil intentions. What was she intending to do?

[Billy T]

... I can't understand the meaning of that story yet. I mean it. A bottle of wine is regarded as a right gift ...

No, wine is not a gift for her husband, but wine was what she got in the trade - in exchange for her husband. Get it now?

[Twelve]

Get it now?

Yes, I get it now! I mistook the meaning of "I got it for my husband".

[KilljoyKlown]

In her POF Profile an attractive lonely widow wrote, "COMPANION WANTED - MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60S); MUST NOT BEAT ME; MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME; MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day, she answered the doorbell and, much to her dismay, saw a handsome, distinguished grey-haired gentleman in a faded USAF pilot's jacket sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.


The lady said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The man smiled, "Therefore, I can't run around on you!"

"But you don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.

Again, he smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Well, are you still good in bed?"

The man leaned back, beamed at her a large grin and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"