Jokes and Funny Stories

[Microzoft]

Originally posted by IXL777
Kum Hia:micro, Wai U Shao Ting,Hu Yu Hai Ding,Tai Ne Po Ne.Hu Bao Ting..
Ai Bang Mai Ne
toh mi hic....

I really don’t know what the fuck are you talking about, but your surely learn fast!
Or are you Chinese?

[Microzoft]

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.

A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much else but say "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.

They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.

A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Microzoft]

... A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[Microzoft]

... Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[Microzoft]

... Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

[justiceusa]

Surgeons have decide that politicians are the easiest patients to operate on because politicians ; have no guts, no heart ,no brain, no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Microzoft]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[Microzoft]

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[Microzoft]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

[Microzoft]

The following information is from credible source intelligence on the latest viruses sweeping across our nations information superhighway in 2002 so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

Beware of:

THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus...(Causes your computer to think it won the
election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting)

THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out
of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then emails your best friends about what it did).

THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where
it is stored)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus...(Warns you constantly about illegitimate
file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the
background and rhyming it all)

THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to
100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files)

THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but
your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files, leaves,
but will be back)
and last but not least...............

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into
a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

[Microzoft]

Boss, to four of his employees:

"I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:

"I think I might be gay..."

[IXL777]

Well done Micro , keep the good work going.
DAHMHONIC

[Microzoft]

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[Microzoft]

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Microzoft]

Three construction workers, (a black, a Pollock and a Mexican) were going to take a lunch break. They were building a bridge, so they grabbed their lunch boxes and went and sat on the top of this bridge.

The black guy opens his lunch and says, "Fried chicken again?!! If I get fried chicken again I'm going to leap off this bridge and kill myself!!"

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Burritos again!! If I get burritos again I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"

The Pollock opens up his lunch and says, "krepla again!! If I get krepla one more time I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"

They all eat thier lunch and go back to work. The next day, lunch comes and they go back to the top of the bridge to eat.

The black says, "Alright, bologna and cheese!"

The Mexican says, "Alright, spaghetti and meatballs!"

And the Pollock opens his lunch, stands up and yells, "Krepla again??!!!" and dives off the bridge.

The Mexican starts laughing his ass off.

"That's not funny", says the black, "He just killed himself!"

"Yeah, but he packs his own lunch!"

[Microzoft]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?", she gently asked.

"I think you are bad luck", he said.

[Microzoft]

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".

[X LIZ X]

50 THINGS ADMISSIONS NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT COLLEGE(we were informed of everything!!!)

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Two meals a day is standard.

3. Road trip whenever possible.

4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

5. You will begin to nap again.

6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.

7. Squirt guns = Stress relief.

8. E-mail becomes your second language.

9. College students throw paper airplanes too.

10. You never realized so many people were smarter than you.

11. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you
wouldn't know, but you can recite last week's re-run of the Simpsons
verbatim.

12. You will never rent more movies in your life.

13. No one is too old for video games.

14. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it
at
a real hospital. Never, ever forget that.

15. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.

16. Campus is only clean for family weekend and freshman orientation.

17. It never sucked so much to get sick.

18. Nothing you want to register for will be open.

19. Beware of the freshman 15!!!

20. Be creative in the dining hall...

21. Classes... the later the better.

22. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect
you.

23. Disney movies are more than just classics.

24. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

25. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.

26. New additions to food groups: beer, ramen, and pizza. (and
poptarts)

27. ATM's are the devils advocate. ATM= Another Twenty Missing.

28. Duct tape heals all wounds.

29. If they say you can't have it in your dorm, they are just kidding.

30. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them even
more.

31. Showers become less important, sleep becomes more important.

32. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.

33. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky
classes.

34. Procrastination is an art form.

35. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.

36. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty.

37. You'll eat anything that's free.

38. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.

39. Cartoons are for all ages, especially Scooby Doo.

40. You are never alone. Ever.

41. SNOOD is more addicting than pot

42. Thanks to Napster, you will never listen to one of your CDs ever
again

43. Those ugly cinder blocks are not sound proof

44. You will come to hate at least one person in your hall with a
passion

45. Stealing from the dining hall will become second nature

46. If it's snowing out- the only reason you will leave your room is
for
food

47. Your RA will be your best friend if he/she has a car

48. Dishes smell after days of piling up (yes, they do)

49. No matter how nice you are, some people just won't smile back- get
used to it

50. Pictures, posters, emails or anything else to cover the ugly cell
you live in will be transformed into wallpaper

[X LIZ X]

1. A group of blondes in a class at New Mexico State University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
2. Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

3. "Your proctologist called. They just found your head!"

4. Times have changed. Years ago.....When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

5. Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bedroom, and an Ass to pay for it all.

6. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

7. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

10. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

11. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
16. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
17. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
19. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
21. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."



Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A garbage can full of dead babies.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: The one at the bottom is still alive.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He has to eat his way to freedom.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He goes back for more.

[Microzoft]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and, because they have requested an
audience, and, as they are THE SEVEN DWARFS, they are ushered in to see
the Pope. …Dopey leads the pack.

Dopey, my son, says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"