Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #2061
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    A priest and a Rabbi are driving through downtown. They see a young boy walking down the street. The Priest says "Should we pick him up and f*ck him?" The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"

  2. #2062
    Quote Originally Posted by dumbest man on earth View Post
    If a politician says something and no one is around to hear it and it is not recorded in any way, is it still a lie?
    This is an illogical question since it never happens. They always have an audience. And they don't lie either! What is your name? We might be able to get you on a technicality.

  3. #2063
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    Q; What are the differences between A Whore, a Prostitute and a Wife? A; A Whore says "Is it in yet?" - A Prostitute says "Are you done yet?" - A Wife says "Grey, I think the ceiling should be painted Grey!"

  4. #2064
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    Okay, here is a question for the ladies. If a man is alone in the forest and there is no one around to hear anything he says or any means to record it and he is talking to himself - is he still wrong?

  5. #2065
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    Q; What is the difference between Ignorance and Indifference? A; Don't know and don't care!

  6. #2066
    LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR

    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

    "Excellent, Michael!"

    Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

    Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

  7. #2067
    LITTLE JOHNNY AND WORMS
    Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

    "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

    He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

  8. #2068
    LUCKY JOHNNY

    Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

    Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

    "Why?" one asked.

    Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

  9. #2069
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    Q; How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A; Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change!

  10. #2070
    Valued Senior Member scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dumbest man on earth View Post
    Okay, here is a question for the ladies. If a man is alone in the forest and there is no one around to hear anything he says or any means to record it and he is talking to himself - is he still wrong?
    LOL.....

    Conversely, such example might be the only time he is right, and no one around to bear witness, save maybe the bears.

  11. #2071
    Valued Senior Member scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dumbest man on earth View Post
    A priest and a Rabbi are driving through downtown. They see a young boy walking down the street. The Priest says "Should we pick him up and f*ck him?" The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"
    Out of habit? (Definition: (religion) a distinctive attire (as the costume of a religious order)

  12. #2072
    Valued Senior Member scheherazade's Avatar
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    I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us, in 10 years."

    He said, "That's a mirror, stupid."

  13. #2073
    Real Eyes Realize Real Lies dumbest man on earth's Avatar
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    Okay, a super easy joke; What does a sexually satisfied woman say?

  14. #2074
    Gifts

    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring
    for Christmas.

    After hearing about this extravagant gift,
    a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one
    of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

    "She did," he replied. "But where the hell
    was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

  15. #2075
    For The Birds

    A woman went to her priest with a problem.
    "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only
    know how to say one thing. All they ever say
    is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'
    " "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But
    I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots
    over to my house, and I will put them with my
    two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read
    the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots
    to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your
    female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

    The next day, the woman brought her female
    parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots
    were holding rosary beads and quietly praying
    in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots
    in the cage with the male parrots. The females
    said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some
    fun?"

    One male parrot looked over at the other male
    parrot and exclaimed, "Put those beads away,
    our prayers have been answered!"

  16. #2076
    Day destroys the night, Cifo's Avatar
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    Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

  17. #2077
    C'mon, get happy! chimpkin's Avatar
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    4,416
    Q: how many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: oh, go on, go out with your fancy friends,don't mind me, I'll just sit here, alone, in the dark...*sob*

  18. #2078
    A chineese gent walked into a bank to convert his chineese currancy to
    aussie dollars and on the first day the teller gave him $100 for his money.
    The Chinaman returned the next day with the same amount of chineese money
    and this time the teller gives him $80.00. The chinaman got somewhat
    confused and asked the teller why he got less money for the same amount.

    The teller politley replied that it was due to fluctuations.

    The Chinaman stood there for some minutes and got quite mad. He yelled at
    the teller:

    "Well Fluc you aussies too !"

  19. #2079
    Fallen seeks something to raise

    Two prostitutes were riding around town with
    a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES
    -- $50.00."

    A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
    and told them they'd either have to remove the
    sign or go to jail.

    Just at that time, another car passed with
    a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

    One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you
    don't stop them?!"

    "Well, that's a little different," the cop
    smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

    So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
    took their sign down and drove off.

    The following day found the same cop in the
    area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
    with a large sign on their car again.

    Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
    catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
    which now read:

    "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

  20. #2080
    Facts of female life

    The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd
    babies.

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes
    as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
    as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
    clothes.

    Preparing for the Birth

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because
    you remember that last time, breathing didn't
    do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th
    month.

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