Jokes and Funny Stories

[KilljoyKlown]

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious.
When she was married, she refused to use protection
because she felt that birth control was going
against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen
kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As
time went by, Maria moved on with her life and
married another man. Again, she refused to use
protection because of her religious beliefs.
She and her second husband have fifteen kids.


Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after
her husband's death, she passed away as well.
At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked
down at the coffin then looked up at the sky
and said, "They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at
the service and after the ceremony, asks the
priest.

Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when
you said, 'they're finally together,' did you
mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and
her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says,
"I was talking about her legs."

[KilljoyKlown]

Managerium

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons,
but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons,
5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons,
and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going
round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years,
at which time it does not decay but institutes
a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of
the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

[Cifo]

(I didn’t know where to post this incident involving me, so I’m posting it here. If this is wrong, please let me know, and I’ll move it.)


A few weeks ago, I was at the supermarket for some cold cuts and a loaf of bread, and I got into the checkout line behind a woman about 30 years my senior.

She turned around and noticed me, and let me tell you, she was so shocked that her mouth hung open. I asked her if she was okay, and she told me in a distressed voice how I looked so much like her son Kenny. I thanked her and told her that we all had doubles somewhere in the world. She said I didn’t understand, that Kenny had died in a car crash some years ago and that she missed him so much. I told her that I was sorry for her troubles, and she began telling how Kenny was such a loving son and that she never had the chance to say goodbye to him.

And then she asked me for a favor. She asked me that, when she was done checking out if she could say “Goodbye Kenny” to me, and I would say “Goodbye Mom” in return. I figured why not, so I agreed. A few minutes later, she was done and turned and said, “Goodbye Kenny, I love you”, and I smiled and replied “Goodbye Mom, I love you too.”

The cashier rang up my items and told me it came to a little over $82. I told the cashier that she made a mistake, but she said, no, that my cold cuts and bread totaled $6.91 and that my mother’s order came to over $75. I realized that the woman had tricked me.

I quickly left everything at the checkout, and ran out into the parking lot in time to see the woman getting into her car and closing the door. I must have been a spectacle as I ran through the parking lot. I reached her car in what seemed like a few seconds, but she had seen me coming, so she was frantically trying to start her car. I pounded on her driver’s door window, and I yelled at her to stop and to get out of the car. But by then, she was frantically pulling on the gearshift, trying to get the car to go. So I opened her driver’s door and, not really sure what to do, I ended up grabbing her left ankle.

So, I was part of this weird scene, which I later described to the police — the woman was in the car with her stolen groceries on the seat next to her, and she was yanking on the gearshift, and I had the door open and was pulling her left ankle so much that most of her left leg was outside the car. The more she yanked, the more I pulled her leg … just as I’m pulling your leg now.


(If you can keep a straight face telling this tale, it goes over rather well.)

[scheherazade]

Apparently some of the 'smart phones' perform a function called 'Auto-Correct.'

This is what happens sometimes, when you rely too much on technology....

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/13603/...cs-first-year/

[KilljoyKlown]

Wife's first hunting trip

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't believe it, the first time ever...after all these years.

I never thought he'd be willing to share his' guy time' with me and being the thoughtful man that he is, he

even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.

I'm so fortunate to be married to him.

I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!"

[Robittybob1]

(I didn’t know where to post this incident involving me, so I’m posting it here. If this is wrong, please let me know, and I’ll move it.)


A few weeks ago, I was at the supermarket for some cold cuts and a loaf of bread, and I got into the checkout line behind a woman about 30 years my senior.

She turned around and noticed me, and let me tell you, she was so shocked that her mouth hung open. I asked her if she was okay, and she told me in a distressed voice how I looked so much like her son Kenny. I thanked her and told her that we all had doubles somewhere in the world. She said I didn’t understand, that Kenny had died in a car crash some years ago and that she missed him so much. I told her that I was sorry for her troubles, and she began telling how Kenny was such a loving son and that she never had the chance to say goodbye to him.

And then she asked me for a favor. She asked me that, when she was done checking out if she could say “Goodbye Kenny” to me, and I would say “Goodbye Mom” in return. I figured why not, so I agreed. A few minutes later, she was done and turned and said, “Goodbye Kenny, I love you”, and I smiled and replied “Goodbye Mom, I love you too.”

The cashier rang up my items and told me it came to a little over $82. I told the cashier that she made a mistake, but she said, no, that my cold cuts and bread totaled $6.91 and that my mother’s order came to over $75. I realized that the woman had tricked me.

I quickly left everything at the checkout, and ran out into the parking lot in time to see the woman getting into her car and closing the door. I must have been a spectacle as I ran through the parking lot. I reached her car in what seemed like a few seconds, but she had seen me coming, so she was frantically trying to start her car. I pounded on her driver’s door window, and I yelled at her to stop and to get out of the car. But by then, she was frantically pulling on the gearshift, trying to get the car to go. So I opened her driver’s door and, not really sure what to do, I ended up grabbing her left ankle.

So, I was part of this weird scene, which I later described to the police — the woman was in the car with her stolen groceries on the seat next to her, and she was yanking on the gearshift, and I had the door open and was pulling her left ankle so much that most of her left leg was outside the car. The more she yanked, the more I pulled her leg … just as I’m pulling your leg now.


(If you can keep a straight face telling this tale, it goes over rather well.)

You should try and come up with a funny ending. Fighting with your mother in public is not funny in my book! Disgusting little ungrateful child!

[scheherazade]

The following 3 minute video details the difference in perspective between how men and women see the same dinner date(s).

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30220

[KilljoyKlown]

The following 3 minute video details the difference in perspective between how men and women see the same dinner date(s). http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30220

Good one

[Cifo]

You should try and come up with a funny ending. Fighting with your mother in public is not funny in my book! Disgusting little ungrateful child!

Uhhh..... ..... In American English, the phrase "pulling your leg" means being facetious with you or playing a joke on you.

[KilljoyKlown]

Just following orders

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in
the deep south when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend
is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice,
says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First,
let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.


The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now
what??"

[Robittybob1]

Uhhh..... ..... In American English, the phrase "pulling your leg" means being facetious with you or playing a joke on you.

See you sucked us in and now I have sucked you in too.
I'm pulling both your legs!

[Robittybob1]

Just following orders

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in
the deep south when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend
is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice,
says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First,
let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.


The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now
what??"

Question for the observant! How many bullet holes did the deceased have?

[KilljoyKlown]

Question for the observant! How many bullet holes did the deceased have?

Only one that I know of.

[KilljoyKlown]

It's funny just read it

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
a kite with his son. However, every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
to go fly a kite!"

[Robittybob1]

It's funny just read it

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
a kite with his son. However, every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
to go fly a kite!"

"I needed more tail" is this some sort of joke?

[Robittybob1]

Only one that I know of.

I would be surprised if there wasn't two, and both the same calibre.

[scheherazade]

"I needed more tail" is this some sort of joke?

LOL.....Have you not flown a kite?

The Kite needs a tail.

[scheherazade]

I would be surprised if there wasn't two, and both the same calibre.

Yes. Depending on the caliber of gun and the size of bullet, one could expect to see both an entry and an exit bullet hole.

We are starting from the premise that the fellow expired of natural causes.

[KilljoyKlown]

"I needed more tail" is this some sort of joke?

If you don't understand that, I know you didn't grow up in the U.S., So please tell us where in the world are you?

[KilljoyKlown]

Yes. Depending on the caliber of gun and the size of bullet, one could expect to see both an entry and an exit bullet hole.

We are starting from the premise that the fellow expired of natural causes.

You don't always have an exit wound, so that wouldn't be a given.