Jokes and Funny Stories

[draqon]

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

Here's my version:

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, points back and shouts, “BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road. The woman in dismay turns back around and crashes into a bitch, the pregnant dog instantly dies.

If only men and women would listen.

[BLASTOFF]

jack and jill went up the hill to have a look and jill's fanny, jack came down with a bloody big frown as he found out jill was a tranny.

[Microzoft]

Here's my version:....

Some originality from your side would have been highly refreshing and appreciated.
In reality no one if forced to contribute, so don’t feel as if you have to.

[Microzoft]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your d*ck
is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221."

____________________
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices that she is reading a manual about se*ual statistics. He asks
her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that
American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in
bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" The man replies, "Tonto
Papadopolos, nice to meet you."

____________________
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband
rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

____________________
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "we
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the
buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My ni*ples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago. "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal."
_________________________
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years, when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
terrible compulsions. He had an urge to stick his pen*s into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that
something was seriuosly wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you
remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pen*s
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill, you didn't!" "Yes, I did." "My God Bill, what
happened?" "I got fired." "No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."

[Cottontop3000]

Those are great Microzoft. Thanks for posting them.

[Roman]

This sailor wants to become a pirate, so he goes to a bar down by the docks. Immediately he sees a couple shady characters with parrots on their shoulders, cutlasses, 6 pistols a piece, eyepatches, and body parts replaced with sticks and hooks. He goes over and starts talking to them, and sure enough, they're pirates and they're recruiting.

The pirates tell him he must pass a pirate test to become a pirate with them, and the man agrees to take the test.

"Aye, the first part of the pirate test be drinking, it also the third, fifth, seventh, eight, ninth and tenth part of the test. So ye be ready to begin?"

The man agrees and starts drinking. He does well enough on talking like a pirate (the second part), fighting like a pirate (the fourth part of the test) and drinking like a pirate (the sixth part).

After part seven, the man doesn't remember anything, and he wakes up on a desert island with a splitting headache. In growing shock, he realized the grass is a deep red, there's deep red fruit growing on deep red trees, and a deep red sun burns over head in a deep red sky. Even his arms are beginning to turn a deep red. To his horror, he realizes,

you ready for it?

He's been MAROONED!

[Cottontop3000]

LOL. Corny, but cool.

[Microzoft]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a
drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,
finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and
says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Cottontop3000]

Please, keep 'em coming. LMAO, and that is good.

[curioucity]

A religious joke I found somewhere in the net. Hope no one gets mad ^_^


One day in heaven, Jesus and Moses went fishing on a lake. Then Moses said:
"All this water reminds me of the time I made miracles"

Jesus: "Same here. How about we do those things again?"
Moses: "Okay"

So Moses lifted his cane and struck it on the water, causing the lake to split, then returned the lake to normal.

Jesus: "Now my turn"

Jesus walked out of the boat, stepped on the water and sunk.

Moses helped Jesus back up to the boat while Jesus said:
"But I could walk on the water back then!"

Moses said:
"Jesus, did you forget? You have holes on your feet!"

[Cottontop3000]

Good one. LOL.

[curioucity]

Another silly religious joke:


One day, four mums are talking about their sons.
Mum 1: My son is the well-known priest in town ^_^
Mum 2: Oh, but my son is a cardinal. He's popular nation-wide.
Mum 3: My son is going to be a pope in a few months ^_^
Mum 4: Well, whenever people saw my hunky son, they'll say "Oh my God!"

[Chatha]

You know what really sucks. Having insomnia through the night and having to go to work in the morning. So there you are. Awake. In the middle of the night. Eyes wide open. Contemplating whether to just end your life right there with the kitchen knife. It sucks

[Microzoft]

I always thought that insomnia takes place at night!
May I suggest a therapy?

Wanke your self for as long as you can, you may not get to the climax, but you gona be so dammed tired, that you’ll fall asleep like a baby.

......but if you prefer to consider suicide, then you can just keep going until you wanke yourself to death:

[Meanwhile,]

How anti-climax.

[Cottontop3000]

There was this woman who wanted to get her husband something special for his birthday. She was thinking an exotic pet would be a good idea, so she went down to the pet store and told the owner her desire.

He said, "Well, I think I've got just the thing for you," and he took her into the back of the store.

Sitting on a table in the back room was a giant toad. It took up the whole table.

The woman looked at the toad and said, "That is unique, but I don't know. I'm not sure he will like that."

The pet-store owner said, "She's got a unique ability, though, and that is what makes her so special."

"What ability?" said the woman.

"She gives great blow-jobs," replied the owner.

The woman looked at the owner, shocked, and said, "Yes, that is unique. Blow-jobs, you say?" The man confirmed it; he even gave her a money-back guarantee. She smiled, "Yes, that's wonderful. I'm sure my husband will like that. I'll take it."

So, she buys the toad and takes it home to her husband and explains the toad's unique ability. The husband is very happy with it, so she decides to go to bed and let him enjoy his birthday present.

A little later, she wakes up, and her husband is not in bed. It's 3:00 AM, she notices, wondering why he is not in bed yet, so she gets up to see where he is. As she approaches the kitchen, she notices a light on. She peeks in and sees her husband sitting at the kitchen table. The toad is on the table. Books are scattered all around. And it appears that her husband is reading to the toad. She looks a little closer and is surprised to see that the books are cookbooks.

She says, "Honey, what the hell are you doing? It's 3:00 AM."

Her husband looks up and replies, "Well sweety, if I can teach this toad how to cook, your ass is history."

[Microzoft]

A coloured joke or a joke of colour;

A Black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party.
He tells his wife to go and look for the costumes.

That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN
costume. Shouting, he says to his wife: "What the f@#k is this ?
When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"

The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When
the husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts:

"You are mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN ? Go and change it for something better."

The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various
things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden
pole. When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says
to his wife:

"Whats this ?"

The wife responds:
" Its so that you can choose your costume: if you take off your clothes and
stick the buttons to your body you can go as a Domino. If you don't like that
you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo biscuit, if your still not happy
you can stick the wooden pole up your a**e and go as a MAGNUM"

[Cottontop3000]

A woman was walking down a sidewalk one day. She was pregnant. She came upon a bank, and as she was walking by, some bank robbers came running out, shooting wildly. She got hit three times in the stomach.

At the hospital, the doctor said he had good news. She and her babies were going to be just fine.

"Babies?" the woman asked.

"Yes, didn't you know? You are going to have triplets. Each child has a bullet lodged in it, but they are going to be fine. We can't take the bullets out now, for the safety of the kids, but the bullets are luckily in places where they won't harm the children. Some day, after they are grown a little, they will just pass the bullets out of their systems." The woman smiles happily and soon recovers.

Several years go by. (The children (two girls and a boy) were born perfectly normal.) One day, one of the girls comes in and says excitedly,

"Mommy, guess what?!"

"What?"

"I was going to the bathroom and I peed a bullet into the comode."

The woman had to think for a minute, but remembered why. She told her daughter the story of the day at the bank, assured her that everything would be fine and sent her on her way.

A month later, the other daughter comes in and tells her mom the same story. "Mommy, guess what?!" The woman tells her daughter the reason, assured her that everything will be okay and sends her on her way.

A little while later, the boy runs in and asks the same question,

"Mommy, mommy, guess what?!!"

The woman thinks for a minute, smiles, and asks, "Let me guess, you peed a bullet into the commode?"

"No, mommy, I was jacking off, and I shot the dog!!"

[leopold]

"No, mommy, I was jacking off, and I shot the dog!!"

ROTFLMFAO !

[Microzoft]

Scrabble. How good are you?

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER