My Fellow Americans: Let me begin by stating that I can identify the greatest single threat to our planet by simply enunciating one rather inelegant word. And that word is “blubber.” Ladies and gentlemen, please, I ask you to comport yourselves in a matter befitting this august forum. The destructive force of blubber can be seen throughout the four corners of the globe. We see it in the starving and diseased masses of Africa, in the forced executions of orphans in China, in the child slave labor and prostitution of Southeast Asia, and in the outright obesity of the American population. And it is in the American population where this destructive tide originates. For it is the disgusting craving for yet another Whopper with Cheese by the American fatty which has caused the conversion of one of the earth’s greatest treasures, the rain forest, into mere grazing land for cattle. Millions of acres of land, formerly producing vitally needed oxygen, are now left besotted with tons and tons of cattle feces. Rising from this gargantuan new dung heap is a vast poisonous cloud of methane gas which drifts into the upper atmosphere and disrupts the normal equatorial currents – the result of which has left vast portions of Africa in continual drought. And let us not neglect to mention that the conversion of the rain forest has also literally unearthed new diseases, sprung from microbes which from their age old existence had never seen the light of day. But I am already at our grim conclusion, without ever having demonstrated our tragic beginning. If you will allow me a few more general observations, I think I can then begin to explicate the entire disaster that is blubber in an easily understandable cause-and-effect relationship. As you know, it is now fashionable for the American to register discontent with his government over the excessive size of the Federal deficit. Too much pork in the budget, Joe Citizen charges. And, after all, what is pork? Nothing but blubber. Joe Citizen angrily demands that the government trim the fat and return to him, via tax reductions, greater control of his own income. The American believes that he can spend his money more wisely than his government. This is nonsense – nothing but a spurious political homily served up by the Republican Party to an endlessly hungry American populace. For while the immense Federal deficit is a matter of open record and subject to much scrutiny - particularly in election years – there is an even faster growing deficit that almost nobody is aware of. And that is of the American citizen himself. Yes, in supreme irony, the angry citizen who huffs and puffs that he could do a better job of handling money than his government is, in reality, even deeper in debt! Little publicized government statistics show the average U.S. household to be $58,000 in debt! The plain truth is, the collective debt of the private sector far outweighs that of the Federal government. The American cannot, in fact, spend his money more wisely than his government. This is a cold, hard, statistical truth, ladies and gentlemen. In fact, for the nation’s well-being, it behooves Washington to raise taxes immediately. The American cannot be trusted with his money. This economic malady is not without its physical manifestations. For just as the American’s budget contains blubber, so does the American himself. Department of Health statistics reveal that close to 70% of Americans are overweight, with 33% being so overweight that they are categorized as obese. Obese is the polite word for “pig.” One out of every three Americans is a pig. Too much blubber, ladies and gentlemen, too much blubber. Americans eat more than they need, plain and simple. And, astonishingly, the consequences are now being felt literally throughout the planet – for the collective blubber of the American people is at a weight that is now causing stress upon the earth’s crust. The surface land mass of the continental United State is actually sagging into the earth’s lithosphere, thereby causing severe convergences of tectonic plates. Not only is this responsible for the rise of earthquakes in the United States in the past decade, but also of those worldwide. This is because the slippage of the faults under the U.S. surface area is so great that the effects extend to the continental plates under all of North America. This, in turn, puts pressure on the plates of South America, which, in turn, put pressure on the plates under Australia, and so on. In short, the blubber of America has caused an earthquake domino effect that has reordered the tectonic plates of the entire planet. Thus we see an unprecedented rise in earthquakes worldwide. Every mouthful of food that the American pig shovels into his or her mouth pushes the entire world closer to the catastrophe of a magnitude 10 quake. Millions will die as the result of the one American pig eating the one potato chip that will actually break the continental plate’s back. I have detailed for you, in the form of the destruction of the rain forest and in the rise in earthquakes, just two of the many, many environmental disasters caused by the gross obesity and uncontrolled appetites of Americans. This then, the uncontrolled appetites of the Americans, is the beginning of the worldwide blubber crisis. But there is an even more alarming consequence of the swinish American character than the environmental ruin that I have just cataloged. For the American blubber mass is also a moral abomination. No longer able to be classified as human, these Americans must now be branded as pigs, inasmuch as they have given themselves over to the most reprehensible practices. I will now identify just two of the many disgusting character traits that define the term “American.” In the interests of fairness, I will examine one trait each from the male and female pig. We see in the female pig, or in the fat blubberous American woman, a disturbing tendency toward the physical torture of children. Otis Harrel’s study of child care workers showed that 73% of all full-time American babysitters are obese women – note: we are not talking of teenage girls who work part-time for movie and chewing gum money, but the terminally obese female pigs who, because of their repellent physical characteristics, are unable to secure full-time employment in the public sector, and must therefore turn to full-time child care work where their fat bodies can be safely hidden from the public’s view behind the locked doors of the homes of families with working parents or in day care centers. These ugly female endless eaters have been naturally selected to be shunted away from decent society. Unfortunately, the only position left available is child care. In a tragedy beyond compare, these hideous cellulite nannies are the absolute worst surrogates to care for our children. Harrel’s study has shown that female pigs, when exposed to healthy thin children, begin to experience feelings of intense self-loathing. This self-loathing is then projected, via the fatty’s ego defense mechanism, onto the innocent thin child. Harrel has documented the findings with over 500 hours of video tape of child torture. Dozens of families and commercial child care institutions allowed Harrel to install video surveillance equipment in their homes and day care centers. The results are truly horrific, ladies and gentlemen: 200-300 pound greasy haired female pigs victimizing thin children, screaming the most profane epithets imaginable, while slapping, punching, scratching, and clawing at the innocent thin. Worse yet, some attack the normal youths with scissors, needles, forks, knives, even the children’s own toys. One 260-pound behemoth live-in nanny was even caught on tape loading a pretty 35-pound girl into a clothes dryer. How do they get away with this? By threatening the children with death if they dare tell their parents. “You skinny little rat, if you tell your mother, I’ll cut you into bite-size pieces and cook you and eat you,” we hear one massive sitter growl. The American female pig’s cannibalistic lust has an interesting parallel in Nazi Germany. A little reported fact is that the second most blubberous nation on record in human history is Nazi Germany. And even in that loathsome society, where men eagerly volunteered to commit the most heinous atrocities, still, when it came to the mass extermination of Jewish, Slavic, and handicapped children, only overweight frauleins could be moved to operate the crematoria. This ugly fact is documented in Heinrich Zifftag’s “Hansel and Gretel as Fact: Obese Women in Nazi Germany.” Ladies and gentlemen, if you will bear with me for just a few more minutes of unpleasantry, I promise that I will conclude this report on the dark cloud of blubber by revealing the proverbial silver lining. I must now exhibit one of the most shameful facets of the fat male’s personality. The male pig in America, his belly so bloated by beer and Big Macs, has completely lost sight of his own organ. Let me repeat this. The fat man in America is so overstuffed that his stomach extends well past the point at which his vision can observe his lower extremities over the horizon of his belly. The fat man is left with a veritable waistband eclipse of his own organ. He therefore has developed a severe sexual mental disorder in which he comes to view himself as a pregnant woman. Jonathan Czech, who pioneered much of the early research into this disorder, has labeled the condition FART, or Fat Activated Remote Transsexualism. As such, the FART sufferer is prenaturally drawn to small boys, whom he identifies as the child he once was, and whom he fantasizes as carrying in his own bloated stomach/womb, soon to be reborn. Left at this, FART would merely be a harmless eccentricity of the jolly fat man. Unfortunately, repeated encounters with slim, lithe boys triggers an infantile sexual state in the fat man – resulting in a partial regression to the oral state of development where the fatty is consumed with a monstrous, insatiable desire to engage in activity which is unmentionable in this august forum. Statistical corroboration of the FART phenomenon is provided by FBI data which reveals that the typical male serial offender is almost always fat. Convicted adult male offenders have an average height of 5’ 9” and an average weight of 255 lbs. Perverted blubber, ladies and gentlemen, perverted blubber. I do not have time to establish the links between the other environmental and moral disasters which have spread from blubberous America to the rest of the world. However, I will now reveal the promised silver lining in the battle against the dark cloud of blubber. We will look at one government program that has had dramatic results in reducing the incidence of blubber in American women. Remember the fat citizen’s complaint that the government was not spending his money wisely? Well, I have the great privilege of releasing today, for the first time, results of a decades old program designed to lighten the American female pig. In the early 1950s, CIA psychologists and psychiatrists developed the first ever auto-suggestive eating disorder: Anorexia Nervosa. By creating a false positive, that is, by manipulating the images of women produced by the mass media, the government has gradually begun to precondition females, from the earliest ages at which they can comprehend external cues, to embrace an emaciated, skeletal appearance as the ideal in female beauty. The results have been encouraging on two levels. First, obviously, as a general overall weight reducer. The Anorexia Nervosa program has effectively saturated 10% of the American female population, and recent surveys predict a continued steady growth rate throughout at least the next decade. The program’s goal of an overall saturation rate of 33% seems attainable. The second level of success has stemmed from an unpredicted outcome. For some still unknown reason, it has been discovered that 2-5% of the females participating in the Anorexia Nervosa program will die. This unexpected side effect is, of course, highly efficient in terms of weight reduction. Ladies and gentlemen, let me now conclude what was initially a rather bleak report on the problem of blubber in a World in Crisis with still more reason for optimism for the future. I can now confidently report that, as our taxes are increased, the government will be able to introduce into the male population of America a program similar to Anorexia Nervosa. While this male program begins, and the female program continues, research scientists will be hard at work creating a second generation of blubber reducing programs. Early indication from some of our government’s most advanced research and development labs indicate a bright future filled with blubber killing viruses, mind control programs, and even prenatal genetic engineering. In short, your government is working hard to insure that the grotesque blight of blubberous male and female pigs is forever removed from the American landscape by the year 2029. Thank you for your attention, my fellow Americans, and sweet dreams.
I remember seeing a Judge Dread cartoon where people had to use all manner of wheeled support contraptions to get from A to B. It may be another case of sci fi come true.
Oh yeah? And what are you doing to mitigate the blubber epidemic? Do you have any suggestions before America is swallowed into the blubber-induced abyss?
What!? Where else has this odious blubber epidemic spread to? Is there any part of the world that is safe?
Check with National Geographic ...they did an eye-opening article on it a few months ago ...surprised even me, and hardly anything surprises me! China is one, if you'll believe it. Russia, where poverty is high as hell, is also a fatty nation. Mexico ...and you thought Mexico was a poor nation, right? And there are many, many nations with a fat problem ...check out the article, you'll by amazed. Baron Max
Does that prove to you yet that overweight people don't eat to much? Or are you still insisting it's their fault?
I dont see how .....can't gain weight, fat, unless you eat more than you use. Of course it's their fault. Why? Who do you want to blame it on? Does no one on Earth, except perhaps me, never take personal responsibility for anything anymore? Is it always someone else's fault? Baron Max
Baron Max people can have a high and low metabolism that whatever they eat and do will make them pile on the pounds, also some medication, like Ritalin and Lithium can make you have water retention that makes you look bigger than you actually are, and yes i personally take responibilty for my weight and i work out twice a week, but i know people on the above medication that are big purely because of the medication. Weight Gain and Bipolar Disorder Treatment (revised May 2007) This is a difficult problem to be sure, one that almost everyone getting medication treatment has to consider in some way, because: Weight gain is clearly caused by medications used to treat bipolar disorder, some more than others. This weight gain can be so large as to have its own serious health consequences, so we need to take it very seriously. Physical activity and diet can help prevent this weight gain, and sometimes reverse it -- but simply telling patients to eat right and get exercise as a means of coping with the weight gain medications can induce is pretty close to an insult and generally simply attempts to shift the responsibility for the problem to the patient. It takes more than this simple advice. Weight gain may be, just may be, associated with causing mood problems that look like bipolar disorder. If this was true people could "look" bipolar from weight gain; and weight gain caused by medications for bipolar disorder could make mood problems even worse! This obviously bears some examination. Finally, there are some ways to cope with the weight gain/medications problem, outlined below -- although let me be the first to admit these are not entirely satisfactory. Weight gain and medications Yes, it happens. There are some medications which have become famous for this: Zyprexa, Depakote, lithium are all guilty some of the time (not always; it doesn't happen to everybody). And now that we're paying more attention to this problem, it's becoming clear that other medications can do it: all of the new-generation antipsychotics (Zyprexa, Risperidone, Seroquel at least; Geodon very little, aripiprazole more than Geodon but less than the rest) and many of the old-generation medications like Haldol can cause weight gain. Even some antidepressants that were never really suspect in this way are now known to cause weight gain (slower than the medications listed above, though, and perhaps less often), such as Prozac and Paxil.
Metabolism is how the body regulates how much of the food is used. If ones body uses food efficiently then they need to eat less food in order not to gain fat. Simple, huh? Metabolism does not add weight, food intake does. This is just one of many excuses that people use to keep from taking personal responsibility. "It's not my fault that I'm a fat bastard!" Sorta' like "The devil made me do it!", ain't it? Baron Max
i would have to disagree with you because my oldest child is on Lithium and Ritalin and many other prescribed medications and he works out in school and he takes regular excersise and he is a big boy! and when i asked the Dr about this he said it was because of all the medications he is taking, he eats sensibly, (i know becuase i cooks his meals) so tell me why is he big then? i could go on and tell you what he has for meals if you want me to, oh yeah ... and also you can have water retention which is the reason my son is big.
Sensibly? What's that, a new kind of Tex-Mex food? You sweet, innocent little boy is fat because he eats more calories than his body uses. Plain and simple ...and yet you make excuses for it. I can only imagine that you, too, are a fatty, and that you make the same excuses for yourself. Fat people are fat because they eat too much food. Ain't rocket science fun? Baron Max
i'm a size 10 thanks!! and no people can get fat due to medications, and no he is not a sweet little boy!! and its not an excuse its what the dr's have told me and his dad, u less you are a dr (which i doubt) or you ahve expiernce with bi polar disorders and ADHD then you can say its because of the food you eat!! look into medication fattness!!
With no caloric intake at all??? If so, then we need to send those pills to the Sudan and Ethiopia and other such places where people are starving to death. I'll bet that if you sent your little boy to live with the Darfurians, he'd begin to lose weight almost immediately ...even with his pillls. Excuses, excuses, excuses! Just one more example of people not wanting to take responsiblity for their own actions. The new society ...new, acceptable legal defense for murder -- "The devil made me do it!" Baron Max
