************* M*W: Out of curiosity, does anyone know the statistics of christian couples staying together or divorcing? And what are the usual causes for divorce?
Religion (and by extension the authority figures - parents etc) romanticizes marriage entirely too much; glorification of this unity encourages many starry-eyed couples to fake their piety and commitment (to pass the priests' interview) so as to rush up the altar and swap rings. Honestly though, it's an extrapolation to what I've observed. The last marriage I witnessed in my family was CLEARLY pressured by religious fervour (by the way of an example). However...I know that it'll end in a divorce fairly soon. While I've only seen an arguably small amount of these cases in juxtaposition to the rest of the world, I think it's a plausible theory.
We had no religious influence in our marriage. We approached the issue weighing the pros and cons of the prospect, considered the financial aspects, the legal aspects, etc. We approached it in the original manner, i.e., as a business transaction.* As a private joke, we called it a 'merger' not a marriage. We managed to avoid the starry-eyed romance that dooms so many marriages when reality kicks in. *I actually brought the subject up first. To get the ball rolling, I surprised him with a resume describing myself, my good points and my flaws, my past relationships and why they ended, what I hoped to bring to the relationship and what I expected to get out of it. The barkeeper at Trial's Pub, where we did all this, even the subsequent meetings, gave me a free Newcastle for creativity. We wound up talking to a lot of guys who thought a "Relationship Resume" was a good idea. I don't know if they figured out how to ask for one, though.
Oxygen, Whatever makes you happy, I guess. I, personally, find that sad - but I guess that's why we're not married. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
When questions like these arise, I like to adjourn to the writings of St. Paul for advice: "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." - St. Paul There you have it. If you can't control your desire for sex, simply attain a legal document binding you and someone else together in marriage and have sex all day long 24/7.
************* M*W: Sex between two consenting adults is natural and necessary. Sex is a basic human need right up there with air, water and food. It has been well-documented that Paul was a homosexual and woman-hater. Personally, I don't believe he existed. Marriage offers a lot more than just a prerequisite for sexual activity.
Divorce statistics are sometimes a shock for Christians. The average divorce rate for born-again type Christians (27%) and others (24%) are both higher than that for atheism, which is 21%[2]. Empirically, atheists are more devoted to each other and commit to more stable relationship patterns than theists, yet the theists are the ones who say they stand for family values. There is a saying that those who shout loudest are normally the least capable. The Christian Churches shout loudly about love but... atheists are more capable. Seriously though, perhaps it is that atheists only get married if they're sure, while Christians feel pressurized more to marry, so sometimes marry prematurely in relationships that aren't permanent, Christian culture might exert unnatural pressure on relationships.
Gee, and I thought my husband and I saying "what the hell" and getting married while we were on holidays (we eloped basically) was ermm weird.:bugeye: But we did that because neither of us were into "the wedding" thing at all with the big dresses, hair, cars, reception, etc. But never once did we even discuss the 'pros and cons' of marriage. We just got married because we wanted to and thought the location was perfect when we were there. No planning in advance.. it was private and personal.. Not once did we approach it as a business transaction. That is kind of sad to be honest.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! And what in the world is a "Relationship Resume"? And you had 'meetings'?Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Yeah, it's wierd, but we were both in a curious set of circumstances. We had both been through life's grinder and just weren't able to get ahead no matter what we tried. Neither one of us was particularly looking for marriage. We lived together and saw no need to change things except for a few advantages like being able to take care of each other's business if one was unable to (like bill collectors, etc.). I had lawyer's bills to pay, he was in the middle of a fight with a bank and we were both sinking fast. To top it all off, the house we were in got sold and the new owner evicted everyone. Having been friends for 15 years and knocking boots for the last two, we started seeing it as a financial battle. We had to survive and it felt like the world was trying to ensure we didn't. (Because we both had jobs, welfare wouldn't touch us. We tried. We made not enough to live on but too much for assistance.) We both worked in the high tech industry and got to see what corporations were doing to survive (the "dot-bomb" had just gone off). We got to see what worked and what didn't. We started joking about marriage being a corporation, and that's what gave me the idea of the "Relationship Resume". Once we approached the thing as a business venture, we started looking at things differently. We had 'meetings' as a psychological tool. It made sure we stayed on topic and got us to thinking of long-term planning. What was our five-year plan? Our ten year plan? Who would handle the money (essentially, be the CFO)? Who would handle logistics (shopping, maintenance, errands, dealing with bill collectors, etc.)? (I know what you're thinking. My god. They won't have kids. They'll have 'employees'. If they adopt, they'll have a 'contractor'...) The way we handled things kept us in reality. We were merging two entities, "Me" and "Him", into one entity, "Us". There was none of the fairy tale illusions that tore apart some of our friends' marriages, and maybe we were subconciously trying to avoid that by basing things in something that was happening all around us as opposed to the flowery romantic imagery that normally accompanies a marriage and vanishes into beer guts, bathrobes, and hair-curlers as soon as the honeymoon is over. That's not to say we don't do things other married couples do. We celebrate our anniversary at a nice restaurant. We have barbecues and invite friends and family. He remembers my birthday, but only because the following weekend is the weekend he goes off with his buddies to the NHRA drag races (he warned me about that...) And no, we don't need to make an appointment to 'knock boots'Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! . But as money is the number one cause of divorce (can't remember what group did that study), we've protected ourselves as much as possible from that threat by handling things like a business. We've been in the red more than a few times since getting married (things are tough all over), but rather than sit and worry and fuss about things, we examined the finances, looked for our best strategy to get back in the black, shifted our budgets, and what could have been a huge fight in another couple became just another 'meeting' for us. It's certainly not an approach for everybody, especially if you only see corporations as soulless, money-sucking greed factories. (Granted, it's hard not to.) But it worked for us because we both worked in it and could relate to it. Within 1 year of marriage we got ourselves completely out of a combined debt of something close to $15,000 without having to use a debt-consolidation company. We've turned our credit scores around from "abyssmal" to "okay", and, here at the start of our fifth year, we are four months away from signing the final paperwork on our five year plan of buying a chunk of land to call ours (complete with mineral and timber rights). I guess what my boss told me was true: "Marry the right person. This one act will determine 99% of your success and happiness."
Bells The resume was done up like a job resume. Of course, he already knew my name, and we lived together so the address and phone number was another 'duh', but I listed, as I said, as many of my past relationships as I could recall (even school age puppy-love first awkward kiss, first time holding hands stuff (I can hear you guys gagging right now, Stop it.)) It included why those relationships ended. I listed my good points (loyalty, culinary ability, etc.) and my bad points (I'm not a good housekeeper, I don't handle money well, etc). Then I listed what I expected out of the marriage (emotional support, loyalty, etc.) and what I would bring into the marriage (stability, emotional support, loyalty, etc.) He had told me once that his biggest fear regarding marriage was based on seeing his friends marry the girls of their dreams only to have them turn into shrieking harpies as soon as the ring went on. The resume was to essentially assure him that I wasn't planning on morphing into anything. As people accustomed to the corporate world, I guess I had to show that I was willing to put it down in writing. (Neither of us wanted a pre-nup. We didn't have the assets to worry about, and I doubt we would have even if we did. Something about trust...)
And you know what Oxy...you might be one of the couples who won't end up in divorce. The 'starry eyed' phenomenon in my opinion is at least partly caused by marriage being sensationalized by many religions. If folks would actually take the time to find out more about their partner, there'd be a lesser divorce rate. I grant there'd probably be a lesser marriage rate too, but it's always better to be single and happy than married and miserable. That way if the decision to marry arises it is informed and divorce won't hover in the near future.
Whatever the reason for the "invention" of marriage, it has surely become a trap(with sour cheese mostly) from which tax departments gobble up loot.
Ah ok. Well my husband and I had lived together for quite a while and had everything in both our names anyway, so that was never an issue. We had joint accounts and joint investments, etc. I guess for us the marriage part was just a formality and was not something planned or even discussed until one day on a holiday we literally just looked at each other and said 'why not' and did it. We knew each other back to front and knew everything about each other since we'd known each other for so long and so well plus we had our first child as well. It (time and manner) was right for us at that time. If you are both happy the way you decided to marry, then good for you. No one should be forced to do anything like everyone else. We did not and have never looked back. Our families were shocked but meh.. that's not our problem to be honest. Neither of us were into the big white wedding scenario. It is always best to do things the way that suits you both and if the way you both did it suited you, then I think that's great. To each their own and how ever works for them!Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I don't mean to be snide, but is anyone really surprised that people who get married simply because they want to (rather than because they feel they have some sort of religious obligation) are more likely to stay married?
Bells When I was little, I thought the "big white wedding" was a legal requirement or something. I was worried because I knew it was expensive and my family wasn't wealthy! With money being such a prevalent reason for divorce, I can't understand why anyone would want to start off their marriage so deep in the hole. Even when our friends and family wanted to know what they should bring as wedding gifts we told them to just bring themselves and their best wishes. But even the engagement ring, which he was determined to get, was unconventional. He didn't know my ring size, and I don't have a lot of jewelry, so he got me a pair of diamond engagement earrings! For the wedding rings, he had his heart set on a pair of platinum and I don't know what else rings, but he just couldn't wrangle the $1600 necessary. After discussing how we were trying to avoid debt, we whipped into a Sears and got a set of basic wedding bands for $60. After all, who were the rings for, us or everyone else? Kudos to your marriage. Like Nasor said, people who get married because they want to are more likely to stay married. Best wishes to you and yours!
