I've been bored recently, so I wrote up some episodes for ATHF. There is no copyright infringement intended. These are "Fan Scripts". I am protected by the "fair use" law. Tell me what you think? When DP Calls INT. AQUA TEENS KITCHEN - DAY MASTER SHAKE stands in the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the cupboard. MEATWAD sits under him. MASTER SHAKE I believe you and I started out on the wrong foot, Meatwad. I blame the dynamics. I blame dysfunction. I blame all the other complex terms that start with a “D”, Like diarrhea; but a special emphasis on dysfunction. Because society is addicted to dysfunction, Meatwad. Dysfunction plagues us all. Dysfunction ruined our friendship. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. Dysfunction killed your mother. Master Shake mixes household cleaners in a glass. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) So to celebrate a new era of compassion, tolerance, love, peace, and respect. I dedicate this gourmet shake to you. MEATWAD It’s nice of you to make me a shake. Out of the kindess of your heart. You’re not so bad. MASTER SHAKE Here you go. Master Shake hands the steaming glass to Meatwad. MEATWAD Thank You. Kind Sir. Where’s yours. MASTER SHAKE I must suffer while you flourish. For my past indiscretions. MEATWAD Boy, you alright. Meatwad places the glass to his lips. FRYLOCK passes by the kitchen. FRYLOCK (screaming) Meatwad! No! Frylock rushes over to Meatwad in slow motion, knocks the glass from Meatwad’s mouth, but not before Meatwad drinks 3/4 of the glass. FRYLOCK (CONT’D) (to Shake) What the hell are you giving him, Shake? MASTER SHAKE A smoothie. FRYLOCK We don’t have any d*mn fruit. MASTER SHAKE That’s why I improvised. Frylock observes all of the cleaning liquid on the counter. His eyes buck. FRYLOCK Oh my God. Meatwad starts to shiver. MEATWAD I don’t feel so good. FRYLOCK (to Master Shake and Meatwad) We have to get him to a hospital. Master Shake laughs insanely. FRYLOCK (CONT’D) What the h*ll is so funny? MASTER SHAKE It’s a combination of some things. Forget it. Meatwad begins to vibrate violently. MEATWAD The room is spinnin’. My as*. My as*. My as* is on fire. MASTER SHAKE He don’t need no wata, let the *beep* burn! Master Shakes eyes light up with excitement. Suddenly, Meatwad bursts into flames. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) Jes*s. MEATWAD (trembling on fire) No. It’s Satan. Satan is responsible for this. MASTER SHAKE You flatter me. Frylock rushes to the sink to get water but is too late. Meatwad combusts into ashes. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) It’s the Fourth of July. In April. FRYLOCK He’s dead. You killed em’. Frylock drops several tears. MASTER SHAKE Oh he’ll be back. FRYLOCK How Shake? (violently) How? MASTER SHAKE Miracles happen. You must have faith, such as I do. FRYLOCK It was nothing I could do. The paramedics would have taken forever to get here. And we had no transportation. Since Meatwad was our transportation. MASTER SHAKE Why did you think I broke out into laughter? INTERMISSION AQUA TEE NARRATOR (O.S.) You’ve gone too far, Shake. EXT. FRONT OF CARL’S HOME - NIGHT Master Shake and Frylock stand over Meatwad’s grave. They’ve buried him in Carl’s front yard with a ghetto tombstone with RIP inscribed. FRYLOCK Do you have any parting words? MASTER SHAKE Yes. Yes I’ve prepared them. Master Shake reads from a tattered piece of typing paper. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) Meatwad was a special piece of ground meat. He was lovable. Trustworthy. A little too trustworthy. That’s what got him killed. But most of all, he was courageous. He looked death in right in the eyes and roared out. (screaming) My as*. My as*. My as* is on fire. (strongly) Like a true warrior. (softly) He was a warrior at heart. I’m done. FRYLOCK That was actually beautiful. MASTER SHAKE I try. So what about you? Have you anything to say? FRYLOCK Of course not. He was only a d*mn pet. Frylock scurries into the house and closes the door. MASTER SHAKE (yelling from the grave) Is this how you handle grief? I thought you were stronger than that. Master Shake pauses, looking at the grave. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) (yelling at Master Shake) You better not have locked me out! INT. FRYLOCK’S ROOM - MORNING Frylock lays in his bed. He awakens and takes a deep breath. He floats out of his room to Meatwad’s room. FRYLOCK (to Meatwad’s room) Rise and shine, buddy. But no one is there. Frylock frowns. FRYLOCK (CONT’D) (to himself) Oh yeah. Frylock floats into the living room. Master Shake watches TV joyously on the recliner. FRYLOCK (CONT’D) What time is it? MASTER SHAKE It’s 3:00 in the afternoon. Depression will do that to you, you know. Make you sleep in. It’s those **bleep** complex D’s. The world would be better off with only simple D’s. Frylock floats over to the window, to look at Meatwad’s grave. But is surprised when he sees a gigantic tree standing in the place of his grave. FRYLOCK What the hell? MASTER SHAKE What? What is it? Did wolves (prolonging) diiiiiigggggg...him up? Frylock bursts outside and Shake follows. They move close to the tree, who’s fruit bear hamburgers. Meatwad’s face emerges from the tree trunk. He is now TREE MEATWAD. TREE MEATWAD Hey, guys. MASTER SHAKE It’s a miracle! Didn’t I tell you? FRYLOCK (to tree Meatwad) Is that really you Meatwad? TREE MEATWAD I think so. MASTER SHAKE Let me see. I can tell you if it’s him. Master Shake starts rubbing the front of his cup on the tree, in a sexual fashion. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) (with eyes closed) Oh. Yes. That’s good. How do you like that. Tree Meatwad’s eyes buck. MEATWAD Hey! What are you doing? Get off of me! Don’t touch me there. Master Shake back flips back to where he was, a few yards away from the tree. MASTER SHAKE Yup. It’s him. Scared sh*tless of sexual contact. FRYLOCK (to Tree Meatwad) But how? When? So fast. This is amazing. INT. CARL’S HOME - MOMENTS LATER Carl walks up to his window and sees Tree Meatwad, Master Shake, and Frylock. CARL I must be dreaming. No. I’m not. Because if I were. Dere' would be naked chicks on my lawn. And dey would be easy. Very easy. Meanin' that the word “No” wouldn’t be in dey vocab. But this is real life. This is hell. Carl bursts out of his home with an axe in one hand and a shotgun in the other. Frylock, Master Shake, and Tree Meatwad all scream. CARL (CONT’D) (to the group) What are you freaks doin’ on my lawn? Carl looks at the Tree Meatwad. CARL (CONT’D) (looking at the tree) And what’s this? MASTER SHAKE It’s Meatwad. CARL (to Master Shake) Well uproot his as* and take him home. No one budges. CARL (CONT’D) I’ll do it for ya then. Carl walks over to the tree. Tree Meatwad cries. FRYLOCK (to Carl) I can’t allow you to do that, Carl. Carl points the shotgun and Frylock. CARL Oh yeah? How ya gonna to stop me? I’ll shoot ya right in between the eyes if ya come close. Frylock doesn’t answer. Suddenly, a limo careens and stops in front of Carl’s home. Two secret service looking guys jump out. They’re suited down in black over and white under. They wear shades and have a wireless telephone headsets on their ears. One BLACK AGENT and one WHITE AGENT. BLACK AGENT (to everyone) Who’s home is this? CARL Depends on who’s askin’. WHITE AGENT The government. CARL Oh. In that case. It’s mine. But I bet you already new that. WHITE AGENT We did. BLACK AGENT Let me get down to the nitty gritty. We have a use for your hamburger bearing tree. McDucky’s restaurant is looking for an alternate source of production for it’s hamburgers. Have you heard of McDuckys? CARL Of course. There’s millions of em’ across the nation. FRYLOCK (to the black agent) Wait a minute. I thought you guys worked for the government? WHITE AGENT (to Frylock) Put two and two together and I’ll be forced to kill you. BLACK AGENT (to Carl) We’re willing to offer you five thousand dollars a month for the use of your tree. First payment payable today. MASTER SHAKE Carl’s getting laid tonight! CARL D*mn skippy. FRYLOCK Hold on a second. This isn’t Carl’s tree. CARL It’s on my property. That means it’s my tree! BLACK AGENT So it’s settled then. (to the white agent) Pay the man. The white agent pulls five thousand dollars out of his inner shirt pocket and gives it to Carl. The agents then start leaping and collecting the hamburgers from the tree, like Olympic athletes. TREE MEATWAD Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! BLACK AGENT We’ll be back to collect more. WHITE AGENT (to Carl) Oh and we hired two tree protectors. They’re on their way. CARL Whatever you say man. They scurry to the limousine with the burgers and speed off. MASTER SHAKE That was. Unexpected. CARL (to Master Shake and Frylock) Get away from my tree! Carl shoots a shots off near Frylock and Master Shakes feet. They back up. Carl backs backwards, slowly to his porch. He opens the door and shuts it behind him. MASTER SHAKE Now that was expected. Immediately, the frat aliens crash land in between Carl’s and the Aqua teen’s home. DP and Skeeter jump out in black over, white under suits. They wear the same shades as the agents. They sport the same headset also. MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D) Again. Unexpected. SKEETER (to DP) Damnit DP. You F’ed up the ship. DP I’m nervous. It being my first job and all. It’s not like I’m working for my Dad. At his dealership. SKEETER Your breath smells like as*. DP Dude. It’s a long story. Remember Stacey? The one I couldn’t get past third base with? SKEETER Yeah. DP I had to lick the exit to get to home. They walk over to Tree Meatwad, Master Shake, and Frylock. SKEETER You are a beast, man. DP I know. (to Frylock and Master Shake) Step away from the tree. Do I know you? TREE MEATEAD (to himself) My name is Meatwad. FRYLOCK (to DP) Yes. You crash landed here drunk awhile back. DP I suggest you go inside, dude. FRYLOCK Make me. MASTER SHAKE (laughing) Ooohh! SKEETER (to DP) He called you out man. D*mnit he called you out. And his friend is laughin’. What you gonna do man? DP (to Skeeter) Hold on a second. (to Frylock) You don’t know who you’re *beep* with, do you man?. I could kick the sh*t out of you if I wanted to. Could kick the living sh*t out of you. Right here. (a beat) Right here. Right now. DP makes violent gestures at Frylock who doesn’t flinch. Frylock looks over at Tree Meatwad and sees that he’s still asleep. MASTER SHAKE Who in the hell could sleep through this hilarity? DP (to Master Shake) Your mother. Right after I got done workin’ her out. SKEETER Ohhhhh! Burnt! FRYLOCK (to Shake) Come on Shake. Let’s go. Frylock turns and floats home. DP (yelling) I’m right here. INT. AQUA TEENS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Frylock looks out of the window, observing Carl, Skeeter, and DP drinking Beers. Carl has a huge supply of beers in a wagon. EXT. FRONT OF CARL’S HOME - SECONDS LATER DP smashes the beer can on his head and screams in pain. SKEETER Awesome! CARL (quietly) That was great. DP (roaring) B*tches! DP throws the can at Carl. It bounces off his chest. DP (CONT’D) (calmly) Where are they Carlster? CARL Soon. They’ll be here soon. SKEETER They better be. DP’s phone rings. It is the Black Agent. DP Hello? BLACK AGENT (O.S.) We want the Shake and the floating fry combusted and in the ground tonight! DP Who’s this? BLACK AGENT (screaming) Get it done! The black agent hangs up. ENK! ENK! DP switches his phone off. SKEETER (to DP) Who’s pokin’ around on the phone? DP We gotta earn our money, Skeet my man. Get the flame throwers. INT. AQUA TEENS FAMILY ROOM The phone rings. Frylock answers. FRYLOCK (to the phone) Hello. DP (O.S.) Have you checked the children? FRYLOCK The children? DP (yelling and laughing) C*cksucker! EXT. SIDE OF AQUA TEENS HOME - ONE HOUR LATER DP and Skeeter have gasoline backpacks; with attached flame thrower guns. DP hangs up the cell phone. They are about to climb into the Aqua Teens Attic with a rope. DP throws the hook on a rope; and smashes the attic window. DP (whispering) On the first try. B*tchin’. Cut the lights. INT. AQUA TEEN’S HALLWAY Frylock hears the footsteps on the side of the house. The lights shut off. MASTER SHAKE (O.S.) They’ve shut the lights off. I thought you paid the bill! The footsteps continue. FRYLOCK Shut up. Don’t you here that Shake? MASTER SHAKE (O.S.) Hear what? EXT. SIDE OF AQUA TEENS HOME - SECONDS LATER They squeeze into the attic window. INT. AQUA TEENS ATTIC - MOMENTS LATER It’s pitch black inside. SKEETER Stop rubbing off my probe, DP. DP I’m not touchin’ your probe. Be quiet! SKEETER Get your qu*er fins of my probe! DP How many times do... Skeeter lights the flame thrower on low. It lights the attic. WILLIE Nelson the onion spider hangs from the attic ceiling from his web. He’s caressing Skeeter’s probe. WILLIE Juice! Willie rips off the probe. Blood spurts from Skeeter’s head. SKEETER Ahhhhhh! DP runs and head butts the attic door, abandoning Skeeter. The stairs flap down violently and DP rolls down. Skeeters flamethrower goes out simultaneously. DP pops down his night vision goggles. Frylock can see due to his eyes night function. DP looks right at Frylock thinking he can’t be seen; he pauses for a second, takes a deep breath. FRYLOCK (to DP) I can see you. DP What the *beep* DP blares his flame thrower to high and tries to burn Frylock. Frylock dodges. Shake walks into the fight and gets burnt across his face. Shake screams. SHAKE My face! The lights come back on. WILLIE (O.S.) I got the lights. Thank me later. Frylock lasers DP’s probe, blowing clean off. DP falls to the floor onto all fours. DP Game over! Game the *beep* over. You blew my sh*t off. DP crawls around on the floor. DP (CONT’D) I’m going home man. Where’s the door? EXT. FRONT OF CARL’S HOME - 10 MINUTES LATER Empty beer can are scattered across the lawn. Carl hasn’t left one can full. TREE MEATWAD (too Carl) Can you itch my trunk, it’s scratchin’. Carl is too drunk to remember Tree Meatwad. CARL Who the hell are you? Carl grabs an axe out of nowhere and chops Tree Meatwad down.
That was pretty hilarious. I actually laughed out loud several times. You ought to pitch it over to the network, see if they'll bite for an ep.
