Aqua Teen Hunger Force Fan Episode I

[troglodyte]

I've been bored recently, so I wrote up some episodes for ATHF. There is no copyright infringement intended. These are "Fan Scripts". I am protected by the "fair use" law.

Tell me what you think?

EXT. FRONT YARD - NIGHT

Five police cars careen onto the Aqua Teen’s front lawn.

INT. HOME - MOMENTS LATER

The front door is rammed open. Swat officers flood into the living room, sputtering war yelps.

INT. MEATWAD’S ROOM

Meatwad sits in the corner, talking into a cardboard phone.

MEATWAD
What you mean you ain’t suppose to be talkin’ this late at night. You’re a grown woman. Tell me what you’re wearin’.

THUMP! THUMP! Footsteps are heard outside. Meatwad observes flashes of light from under his door.

BANG! BANG! The police bang on the door.

MEATWAD (CONT’D)
(to the phone)
Hold on a second.
(to the door)
Who is it?

BANG! BANG!

MEATWAD (CONT’D)
Stop it! I know it’s you.

BANG! BANG!

MEATWAD (CONT’D)
Step one foot in here and see what happens. I’ll shoot your **bleepin** a**.

The police ram meatwad’s door down and flood into his room. A GARBLED VOICE comes from meatwad’s phone.

GARBLED VOICE
Well, who was it?

MEATWAD
**bleep**. It’s the **bleep**in’ police.

INT. MASTER SHAKES ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

Porno mags are spread across his entire floor.

Master shake sits on his bed, pouring with sweat; he slips a balloon onto a beer bottle.

MASTER SHAKE
I can’t believe that I’m about to do this. Again. I won’t. I will. I won’t. I will. The door’s locked. Nobody will know. I’ll just slip it in a little.

Suddenly, Master Shake’s door is knocked down and flooded with officers.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
Holy crap! What were the **bleep**in’ odds?

One OFFICER walks up to Master Shake with his gun brandished.

OFFICER
This is some sick **bleep**.

MASTER SHAKE
It’s not what it looks like!

OFFICER
Is it what it smells like?

MASTER SHAKE
Smell? I don’t smell anything.

OFFICER
That’s because God made it where we can’t smell our own **bleep**.

MASTER SHAKE
I haven’t broken any laws officer.

OFFICER
(whispering)
Sodomy.

MASTER SHAKE
There’s a black man in the adjacent room. Go get him!

INT. FRYLOCK’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Frylock sleeps in his bed, with eye masks on.

The officer’s ram inside and immediately beats Frylock with their night sticks.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 45 MINUTES LATER

A light blares on meatwad’s face.

MEATWAD
It’s too bright! The light is hurtin’ my eyes.

An INTERROGATOR’S forceful voice comes from behind the desk.

INTERROGATOR
Do you know why you’re here?

MEATWAD
No.
(crying)
I want to go home.

VOICE
Have you ever killed, anybody?

MEATWAD
Maybe once or twice. But he was a demon sent by Satan to carry out devious plans. Well, at least, that’s what Frylock said.

INTERROGATOR
What can you tell me about Frylock?

MEATWAD
I ain’t no mother**bleep**in’ snitch. You better come correct or don’t come at all. I ain’t afraid to do time.

INTERROGATOR
Meatwad. Meatwad. Meatwad. I’ve been doing my job for twenty three years. Do you know what this means?

MEATWAD
What?

INTERROGATOR
It means that I’m a good interrogator.

MEATWAD
Interro wha?

A hand slides a picture across the table. It is a picture of Boxy Brown.

INTERROGATOR
Do you know what will happen to Boxy in the event you’re not there to take care of him?

Meatwad frowns.

INTERROGATOR (CONT’D)
Foster care. He’ll end up with a poor racist white family who could give a rat’s **bleep** about how he feels or what he eats. Does Boxy like to be called a cardboard box day in and day out? Does Boxy like burnt oatmeal?

BOXY BROWN’S voice transmits from his picture.

BOXY BROWN (O.S.)
I ain’t gonna live with no cracka’s who feed me burnt oatmeal!

MEATWAD
Now Boxy. Calm down. You aren’t aware of the situation.

BOXY BROWN
You betta tell em’ what they wanna hear boy.

MEATWAD
But frylock is my friend.

BOXY BROWN
And Leeroy was mine, but that ain’t stop me from stabbin’ his skinny **bleep** in the back. Boy so skinny, he could whoola hoop with a cheerio. Made for a small target.

Meatwad rolls his eyes at Boxy Brown.

BOXY BROWN (CONT’D)
(screaming)
Tell em’!

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 30 MINUTES LATER

MEATWAD
He yells a lot. And he touches me on my hand. When we go walkin’.

INTERROGATOR
Is he skilled with any weapons?

MEATWAD
Just his eyes.

INTERROGATOR
His eyes?

MEATWAD
He can implode **bleep** with em’.

INTERROGATOR
Interesting.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 30 MINUTES LATER

Master Shake sits behind the desk, staring into the light.

MASTER SHAKE
So what can I do to make this all go away? Can I buy you some donuts? We can head down to Grandmomma’s Bakery right now. And I’ll treat you to all the donuts and coffee that you can eat and drink. How does that sound?

INTERROGATOR
We found a dozen beer bottles, all different sizes, tucked away under your bed.

MASTER SHAKE
So, I like to drink. Do I have to be a teetotaling **bleep** to enjoy freedom? This is America, my friend. This country. My country. Was built off of beer and cotton.

Master Shake drops a tear.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
Is it wrong for me. Every night. To pay tribute to the land of the free. By drinking eight or ten beers and chewing on a couple of swabs? I consume to remember.

INTERROGATOR
We also found excrement laced balloons in your trash can, wrapped in toilet paper.

MASTER SHAKE
I know nothing about that.

INTERROGATOR
Maybe a DNA analysis could shed some light.

MASTER SHAKE
Okay. Maybe I’ve been a little experimental lately. I don’t need this getting out. I plan on running for office in the next election. And this, my handsome conversationalist, is a six foot tall skeleton.

INTERROGATOR
I understand.

MASTER SHAKE
You do?

INTERROGATOR
Tell me what I want to hear about Frylock and we’ll pretend like we never saw what we saw.

MASTER SHAKE
He’s the sickest, most ruthless, **bleep** of us three.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - HOURS LATER

Carl sits behind the desk.

He twiddles his fingers.

INTERROGATOR
Thanks for coming down to the station.

CARL
Yeah. No problem. It’s not everyday that I’m in police station without the fear of doing twenty to life. You know what I’m sayin’?

Carl laughs.

INTERROGATOR
When I say Frylock? What comes to mind?

CARL
Freak.

INTERROGATOR
Freak?

CARL
Well, the most tolerable freak in a family of freaks. You know. Sometimes, I think he keeps the other two knuckleheads in line. Like, he’s their daddy or somethin’.

INTERROGATOR
So he’s smart?

CARL
Yeah. He’s one of those high IQ individuals.

INTERROGATOR
So he’s capable of calculating?

CARL
Sure. Why not? I’ve gotta a question for ya though. Is one of your officers gonna give me. Give me a ride home? Because I haven’t walked the street since 81’.
(reminiscing)
Times were hard back then.
(singing)
I was the second brother of five. Doing whatever I needed to survive. I’m not saying selling myself was alright, but trying to emerge from the trailer park was a never-ending fight.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 40 MINUTES LATER

Frylock now sits behind the desk, staring down the camera, paying no attention to the bright light. He’s slightly bruised.

Frylock breaks the silence.

FRYLOCK
I have my rights, you know. Is beating a man in his sleep policy here? I would like to speak with my attorney. I’ll run this entire precinct into the dirt and you with it.

INTERROGATOR
Your friends gave you up.

FRYLOCK
What do you mean my friends gave me up?

INTERROGATOR
Meatwad. Master Shake. Carl. Do those names ring a bell?

FRYLOCK
Do you think I’m stupid? Like imbeciles are capable of incrimination.

INTERROGATOR
That’s no way to talk about your buddies. I think they’re smarter than you think.

Frylock raises his eyebrow.

INTERROGATOR (CONT’D)
It seems like you’re the only person in Jersey capable of calculating the ruthless implosion of a seventy seven year old woman.

FRYLOCK
I don’t associate with old **bleep**.

INTERROGATOR
Is that so?

The interrogator hands Frylock pictures of himself with old **bleep**.

FRYLOCK
Photoshop?

INTERROGATOR
No one’s that good. My lenience is your only friend now. So talk.

FRYLOCK
Okay. It was a week ago.

INT. BEDROOM - DUSK (FLASHBACK)

FRYLOCK (V.O.)
I just got done throwing it down good on Betty. I have sex with old **bleep** because young **bleep** don’t want anything to do with me.

Frylock sits at the edge of the bed staring into the television, watching the news. BETTY sits under her sheets at the head of the bed.

BETTY
Ready for a second go, brotha?

FRYLOCK
Quiet. I’m trying to listen to the news. They’re discussing reparations.

BETTY
Reparations? Reparations are bull**bleep**. Just a way to extract free money from the government. Like we aren’t spendin’ too much of our wealth already.

Frylock turns toward Betty and raises an eyebrow.

FRYLOCK
America forcefully utilized Africans to gain it's wealth. The wealth you see today. So you can partially thank African Americans for this country's current success. The least we can do is repay them.

BETTY
They’ll just be thousand’s of Escalades driving around on the street.

Frylock, in a brutal display of rage, implodes Betty with his laser eyes.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

FRYLOCK
I killed her. Just like that.

Frylock begins to cry.

INT. VISITING AREA - A YEAR AND A HALF LATER

Meatwad and Master Shake talk to an imprisoned Frylock from behind bullet proof glass.

Carl stands behind Meatwad and Master Shake, disassociated.

Meatwad hold’s the phone.

FRYLOCK
(to Meatwad)
How is everything? Are you taking care of yourself? Is shake treating you alright?

Meatwad looks up at Master Shake to seek approval to speak.

Master Shake grimaces.

MEATWAD
Yes. When are you coming home?

FRYLOCK
Soon. Since it was a crime of passion, I only was sentenced to two years. So, only six months to go.

MEATWAD
(whispering)
Good. Because it’s been hell.

Master Shake snatches the phone.

MASTER SHAKE
(to Meatwad)
Give me that, grunt.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
Hey. How has prison life been treating ya? Is it wider since you been in?

Frylock doesn’t respond.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
(to Meatwad)
Give me one of those markers you always carry around with you.

MEATWAD
No! You won’t give it back.

MASTER SHAKE
Give me that marker or I’ll squish you through this bullet proof glass. You’ll be with your daddy that you love so much. And his daddy, if you know what I mean.

Meatwad reaches inside himself, finds the marker, and gives it to Master Shake.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
(to Frylock)
Now as I was saying.

Master Shake draws a small circle on the glass.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
Is it like this?

Master Shake then draws a big circle right next to it.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
Or is it gaping? And/Or Have you caused any to resemble this.

Master Shake points at the big circle.

Frylock doesn’t answer.

MASTER SHAKE (CONT’D)
I just want to know. Because when you come home you might start craving something Meatwad and I can’t give you.
(to Meatwad)
We’ve got virgin bungholes, don’t we Meatwad.

MEATWAD
If you say so.

Carl looks over and sees an imprisoned HAND BANANA sitting down to talk to his visitor.

Hand Banana smiles when he sees Carl, surprised. He then winks.

Unexpectedly, Hand Banana slams the phone down on the hook and leaps up onto the stall’s table.

HAND BANANA
(to Carl)
In three years. You.