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Thread: Chuck Norris is so awesome that...

  1. #1
    less hate, more science cato's Avatar

    Chuck Norris is so awesome that...

    hey everyone, post your favorite Chuck Norris jokes, or make up your own.

    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    those are some good ones.
    here are my chuck norris jokes:
    chuck norris once tried to snowboard, however the snow promptly turned to water after wetting itself in fear.

    the TV show quantum leap is actually the life and times of chuck norris. however, they could not use chuck as the star of the show because the last two places they tested a show that awesome were Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

  2. #2
    These aren't even that funny, yet they're plastered all over the net. Why has Chuck Norris become so popular all of a sudden?

  3. #3
    Dunno...Zug is full of them too...

  4. #4
    less hate, more science cato's Avatar
    its funny because they are chuck norris jokes. if they were about anybody else, they would be lame.

  5. #5
    give me liberty
    chuck norris once puched a guy,the guy died and went to hell,then chuck went to hell and killed the guys soul too.

  6. #6
    Interplanetary homesteader domesticated om's Avatar
    This is a little bit off topic, but I have a question about the phrase 'ad nauseam'. My question is - are there other phrases that mean the same thing? I looked it up on the websters online thesaurus, and it spit it back out saying that it was unable to find any results.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by domesticated om
    This is a little bit off topic, but I have a question about the phrase 'ad nauseam'. My question is - are there other phrases that mean the same thing? I looked it up on the websters online thesaurus, and it spit it back out saying that it was unable to find any results.
    A litte bit off topic?

  8. #8
    Howdy, hi and hello. Semon's Avatar
    Who is Chuck Norris? Why is he so popular?

  9. #9
    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

  10. #10
    And one of my favourites;

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    Absoloutly excellent thread!!

  11. #11
    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  12. #12
    Cricetulus griseus leninus Communist Hamster's Avatar
    Heh, old but funny.

    There is no theory of evolution, only a list of animals Chuck Norris decides not to kill.

    Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because the word 'huting' implies a probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

  13. #13
    less hate, more science cato's Avatar
    here are some more:
    chuck norris owns a restaraunt it is called roundhouse cafe… the only thing on the menu is pain and untimely death
    Remember the great New York City blackout? Three words Chuck Norris’ Boner

  14. #14
    Chuck Norris invented electricity by doing a roundhouse kick so fast sparks flew off.

  15. #15
    ......................... ..... Quigly's Avatar
    Didn't something similiar cycle through about Mr. T from the A-Team?

    -Popular myth has it that God created the universe in six days and rested on the seventh. In reality… It took God six days to create Mr. T. Mr. T took pity on God and had him rest while he finished. Mr. T then pitied the Universe into existence in less than a second, thus allowing him to enjoy the day off with God.

    -At the end of every rainbow is Mr. T. It is another way for Mr. T to pity fools. Everyone knows Mr. T ate the leprechaun.

    -Mr. T captured all 150 Pokemon. He keeps them in cages in his van.

    -Gary Coleman met an early death when Mr. T ate him, mistaking him for a Ho-Ho.

    -Mr. T does not flirt, he folds his arm and smiles. Women within 50 feet of him are immediately inseminated.

    -The punishment for manslaughter in El Salvador is 35 years of Mr. T's pity without parole.

    -Mr. T does not have dinner parties. The one and only dinner party he had he served mohawks of fury and double fists of pain.

    -The last time Mr. T and Chuck Norris teamed up, Atlantis sunk

    -When asked for his thoughts on vegetarians, Mr. T said: “If god didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat…Fool.”

  16. #16
    Unnecessary Surgeon Dr Lou Natic's Avatar
    Chuck Norris penis was once considered a chinese delicacy, believed to give those who ate it the courage of 8 lions.
    The Chinese guys who were known to eat it got so drunk with courage that they actually went out and found 8 lions to fight.
    In every instance they won convincingly.

    The practice was outlawed to save the lion species, but it is suspected that it carries on underground due to the numerous lion carcasses which have been found with suspicious roundhouse wounds to the face.

  17. #17
    ......................... ..... Quigly's Avatar
    Chuck Norris was known to take his poop to 3rd world countries to treat aids. The government thought it was unsanitary, so he round house kicked them in the face.

  18. #18
    lol These are so old!! There's also these exact same jokes floating around under the name Vin Diesel can do ect ect.


  19. #19
    Howdy, hi and hello. Semon's Avatar
    Can anyone tell me what is roundhouse kick?

  20. #20
    The roundhouse kick is a weapon of mass destruction in Chuck Norris' hands Or should we say feet?

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