04-30-06, 03:09 PM #601
04-30-06, 04:08 PM #602
04-30-06, 04:17 PM #603
05-02-06, 12:56 AM #604
Originally Posted by The Devil Inside
05-02-06, 02:20 AM #605
What do you call a pakistani who says he doesnt own a corner shop
You lieing bastard
05-02-06, 08:07 AM #606
An American is visiting the UK and walks up to a fruit and veg stall
Amer/ says can i have a banana please
Man / hands over a banana and says , that will be 25 pence sir
Amer/ says , call that a banana , hell in the states we grow them twice as big as that
Amer/ says , in that case give me an apple
Man/ hands over an apple and says , that will be 25 pence sir
Amer/ says , hell call that an apple , in the states we grow them twice as big as that
Man/ says , we only grow them big enouth to fit our mouths
05-04-06, 01:49 AM #607Originally Posted by s0meguy
05-05-06, 02:43 PM #608
Officer and an 80-year-old motor driver
Sir, you know your wife fell out of your car about 10 miles back?
“Oh my God, thank you officer. For a moment there I thought I had gone deaf”
05-07-06, 09:46 PM #609waremtaeGuest
I signed up just for this thread. It's not offensive but it's funny... and a bit long.
Joe goes to the doctor and says to him...
"Doc, my arm is killing me but I don't know what I did to it."
The doctor jumps up from his chair and hands Joe a specimen cup.
"Pee in this cup" The doctor says
Joe pees in the cup and gives it to the doctor.
"We get to try out my new machine." Says the doc.
He then takes Joe's pee and dumps it into the big machine in the corner of the office. The machine makes a few noises and after about 3 seconds, it spits out a piece of paper. The doctor picks up the paper and reads it...
"You have tennis elbow."
"How can that hunk of junk tell I have tennis elbow just from a cup of my pee?" Joe asks.
"This "hunk of junk" is a state of the art machine and can tell what is wrong with a person from a stubbed toe to terminal cancer." The doc replied. "Come back in 2 weeks with another specimen and we will see how you are doing."
2 weeks go by and Joe has decided he wants to fuck with the doctor. He gets his wife to pee in the cup, he gets his daughter to pee in the cup, he puts some oil from his car in the cup, he even jerks off in the cup. He takes this lovely mixture to the doctor with him to the doctor. When he walks into the office, the doctor is reading the paper.
"Did you bring your sample Joe?"
"Yep, I sure did Doc." Joe replies.
"Go ahaead and dump it in then."
Joe dumps the sample into the machine and immediately the machine starts jerking and coughing. After about 2 minutes, the machine spits out a long piece of paper which the doctor quickly picks up and reads to himself.
"So Doc, what does your state of the art machine say now?" Joe snickered.
"Well," replied the doctor "It says here your daughter's pregnant, your wife's cheating on you, your car needs a new transmission and if you'd quit jerking off so much you'd probably get rid of that tennis elbow."
05-08-06, 07:02 AM #610
05-12-06, 03:19 PM #611
Know your Ancestors! use your race and determine your ancestors
Asian(buck tooth type) - Japanese snow monkey
Asian (car bomb type) - Rhesus macaque
Latino - Amazon Red howler
Negro - East African gorilla
Caucasian - Cotton top white tamarins
If you think you don't fall into any of thses groups, well there is something for everyone- The Orangutan
05-16-06, 08:55 PM #612
When the WTC collapsed president George W. bush said the victims were heroes that died for their country. Dear readers; cooks, porters, receptionists, officers, and laborers that worked at the WTC would not have gone to work that day if they knew they were going to die. Obviously these people did not die for their country, they died accidentally. American soldiers in Iraq, suicide bombers, and kamikaze pilots are heroes; lets try to get our heroes straight because it’s lowering the standard
05-16-06, 09:54 PM #613
ROFL I find that WTC joke funny... I have a dark sense of humor and also because I find what the joke says in literal terms to be true.
05-16-06, 10:23 PM #614
When I get really pissed off I will yell out "SEND CHRIST TO HELL!" and in video games, I feed off the reactions I get when I change my name to "9/11 was hilarious." Really distasteful but I do it for the reactions
05-21-06, 03:45 PM #615KomonoesGuest
A woman goes into labor on March 31st. After thirty eight hours of labor later, the pain is getting tremendous and she is ready to quit. However, she give a mighty push and finally the babies head comes out. The doctor tells her just one more push and she's done. So she takes a deep breath and pushes with all her might. The doctor pulls the baby free, and after doing his stuff, tells her that she is the proud mother of a beautiful baby Boy. He then wraps the baby up, carries it over to her, and hands it to her. However, just as she is about to grab the baby the doctor takes it by the legs, swings it around, and hurls it against the wall with all his might. The baby hits head first and blood and guts splashes everywhere. The mother, in tears and shaking, screams “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” The doctor turns to her and with a smile on his face says
“April fools it was already dead.”
05-22-06, 06:23 AM #616
A South African gold miner loses a leg in a mining accident.
"Bah! Who's gonna want a one-legged gold digger now?" he moans.
"You can fucking count me out!" shouts Paul McCartney.
05-25-06, 08:53 PM #617
A Tough Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?"
As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Indian sits.
The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Indian and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.
Next Day the Tough Guy returns and says;
"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?
As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Mexican sits.
The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Mexican and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.
This goes on for 3 more days until the exasperated bartender finally says;
"That fucking asshole keeps coming in here, trashing my bar, and kicking the shit outta my customers, Im gonna teach that prick a lesson"
So the bartender goes to the local Zoo, rents a Gorilla and hides him in the washroom.
The next day the Tough Guy returns as usual.
"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?
Barkeep says "Sorry buddy you just missed him, I think he is taking a piss"
The Tough Guy takes a deep breath and heads aggressively to the pub washroom. Once inside the barkeep and patrons hear banging and crashing and grunting and roaring, sounds like total chaos from inside the restroom.
Things suddenly quiet down and a few moments later the beaten and bloodied Tough Guy stumbles out of the can and stares at the bartender.
"Give me a shot of Whisky, and when that fucking nigger wakes up, you tell him his fur coat is in the garbage"
05-25-06, 09:24 PM #618
05-26-06, 09:44 AM #619
Brokeback Mountain Gay Self-Test
1. If you're over thirty and you have a washboard for a stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oprah
2. If you have a cat, you're a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay. It grooms itself constantly, but never scratches itself. It has a
delicate touch, except when it uses its nails against you. It wines to be
fed, and just think about how you call a dog: "Killer, come here! I said
get your ass over here, Adolph!" Now think about how you call a cat...
"Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus Almighty, you're fit to be
framed you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured you suck people-puddy. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, chicken wings, pickled pigs feet or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko, and you're
undeniably a homo.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom, or piss in a
parking lot, without doubt you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like the high hard one
in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A
straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Non-Fat No-Whip Caramel
Machiatto" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.A real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in Major League Baseball, the NFL,
NHL, NBA and PGA. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what
"fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other
than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel all the time, forget it,
you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver, or to cut the jerk off. The rest of
the time he needs that hand to change the music, eat a burger, hold his
beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a
woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by
yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
05-31-06, 12:56 AM #620
HAHAH according to that test I am not gay... well I assume the cat thing is a joke. Cats are cool.