Thread: The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

  1. #601
    Quote Originally Posted by Chatha
    Announcer: Folks welcome to another edition of "the average American", on this show, this wonderful segment, we ask the average citizen of the world's most powerful nation certain easy questions and watch as the retards look in shock and awe. Get ready folks, get your frozen stuff from the fridge. Our first contestant is Abegail Hanson from Sweetcorn, Arkansas. Abegail is a nurse assistant who likes to shoot with her father, play checkers, and cook. She hopes that one day she would eventually become a nurse and move to another cosy city so her father can stop raping her. Look at her, so sweet, helpless, and pathetic looking. Alright Gail, first question what is the name of the vice president of the United States?

    Gail: Oh Oh I know that...Donald Rumsfeld

    Announcer:...Spoken like a true American, give her a round of applause. Next question, if a train leaves at 9 am and takes 3 hours to get to its destination travelling 80 miles/hr, what distance has the train travelled?

    Gail: 80

    Announce: Oh I'm loving this, this is a great show folks. Anyway, Last question for all the kaboodle. What is the capital of France Gail?

    Gail: New York?

    Announce: A real idiot, how-bout-it folks? Give her a hand. Gail dear you missed all the question but you are a proud contestant and we are happy to have you here. Here's a "nutter" T-shirt curtesy of our sponsors; snow white tooth paste. Wish you be best in Arkansas. Thats all folks, tune in next week for another flabbergasting edition of "the average American". Remember...its not the size of the brain but the amount of American in you.

    um.....thats just rude.

  2. #602
    "most offensive jokes ever"

  3. #603
    have you seen stevie wonders new album?

    neither has he.

  4. #604
    Worship me or suffer eternally
    Posts
    1,635
    Quote Originally Posted by The Devil Inside
    um.....thats just rude.
    It has more to do with reality.

  5. #605
    Registered Member
    Posts
    14
    What do you call a pakistani who says he doesnt own a corner shop

    You lieing bastard

  6. #606
    Registered Member
    Posts
    14
    An American is visiting the UK and walks up to a fruit and veg stall

    Amer/ says can i have a banana please

    Man / hands over a banana and says , that will be 25 pence sir

    Amer/ says , call that a banana , hell in the states we grow them twice as big as that

    Amer/ says , in that case give me an apple

    Man/ hands over an apple and says , that will be 25 pence sir

    Amer/ says , hell call that an apple , in the states we grow them twice as big as that

    Man/ says , we only grow them big enouth to fit our mouths

  7. #607
    Quote Originally Posted by s0meguy
    It has more to do with reality.
    of course it does. thats why its offensive.

  8. #608
    Registered Senior Member devils_reject's Avatar
    Posts
    659
    Officer and an 80-year-old motor driver

    Sir, you know your wife fell out of your car about 10 miles back?
    “Oh my God, thank you officer. For a moment there I thought I had gone deaf”

  9. #609
    waremtae
    Guest
    I signed up just for this thread. It's not offensive but it's funny... and a bit long.

    Joe goes to the doctor and says to him...
    "Doc, my arm is killing me but I don't know what I did to it."
    The doctor jumps up from his chair and hands Joe a specimen cup.
    "Pee in this cup" The doctor says
    Joe pees in the cup and gives it to the doctor.
    "We get to try out my new machine." Says the doc.
    He then takes Joe's pee and dumps it into the big machine in the corner of the office. The machine makes a few noises and after about 3 seconds, it spits out a piece of paper. The doctor picks up the paper and reads it...
    "You have tennis elbow."
    "How can that hunk of junk tell I have tennis elbow just from a cup of my pee?" Joe asks.
    "This "hunk of junk" is a state of the art machine and can tell what is wrong with a person from a stubbed toe to terminal cancer." The doc replied. "Come back in 2 weeks with another specimen and we will see how you are doing."
    2 weeks go by and Joe has decided he wants to fuck with the doctor. He gets his wife to pee in the cup, he gets his daughter to pee in the cup, he puts some oil from his car in the cup, he even jerks off in the cup. He takes this lovely mixture to the doctor with him to the doctor. When he walks into the office, the doctor is reading the paper.
    "Did you bring your sample Joe?"
    "Yep, I sure did Doc." Joe replies.
    "Go ahaead and dump it in then."
    Joe dumps the sample into the machine and immediately the machine starts jerking and coughing. After about 2 minutes, the machine spits out a long piece of paper which the doctor quickly picks up and reads to himself.
    "Uhuh...mmhum...I see..."
    "So Doc, what does your state of the art machine say now?" Joe snickered.
    "Well," replied the doctor "It says here your daughter's pregnant, your wife's cheating on you, your car needs a new transmission and if you'd quit jerking off so much you'd probably get rid of that tennis elbow."

  10. #610
    lol i liked it!

  11. #611
    big brown was screwed up
    Posts
    1,867
    Know your Ancestors! use your race and determine your ancestors

    Asian(buck tooth type) - Japanese snow monkey
    Asian (car bomb type) - Rhesus macaque
    Latino - Amazon Red howler
    Negro - East African gorilla
    Caucasian - Cotton top white tamarins

    If you think you don't fall into any of thses groups, well there is something for everyone- The Orangutan

  12. #612
    big brown was screwed up
    Posts
    1,867
    When the WTC collapsed president George W. bush said the victims were heroes that died for their country. Dear readers; cooks, porters, receptionists, officers, and laborers that worked at the WTC would not have gone to work that day if they knew they were going to die. Obviously these people did not die for their country, they died accidentally. American soldiers in Iraq, suicide bombers, and kamikaze pilots are heroes; lets try to get our heroes straight because it’s lowering the standard
    -G. Carlin

  13. #613
    ROFL I find that WTC joke funny... I have a dark sense of humor and also because I find what the joke says in literal terms to be true.

  14. #614
    When I get really pissed off I will yell out "SEND CHRIST TO HELL!" and in video games, I feed off the reactions I get when I change my name to "9/11 was hilarious." Really distasteful but I do it for the reactions

  15. #615
    Komonoes
    Guest
    A woman goes into labor on March 31st. After thirty eight hours of labor later, the pain is getting tremendous and she is ready to quit. However, she give a mighty push and finally the babies head comes out. The doctor tells her just one more push and she's done. So she takes a deep breath and pushes with all her might. The doctor pulls the baby free, and after doing his stuff, tells her that she is the proud mother of a beautiful baby Boy. He then wraps the baby up, carries it over to her, and hands it to her. However, just as she is about to grab the baby the doctor takes it by the legs, swings it around, and hurls it against the wall with all his might. The baby hits head first and blood and guts splashes everywhere. The mother, in tears and shaking, screams “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” The doctor turns to her and with a smile on his face says


    “April fools it was already dead.”

  16. #616
    A South African gold miner loses a leg in a mining accident.
    "Bah! Who's gonna want a one-legged gold digger now?" he moans.
    "You can fucking count me out!" shouts Paul McCartney.

  17. #617
    Registered Senior Member MrPink's Avatar
    Posts
    34
    A Tough Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

    "Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?"

    As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Indian sits.

    The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Indian and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.

    Next Day the Tough Guy returns and says;

    "Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?


    As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Mexican sits.

    The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Mexican and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.

    This goes on for 3 more days until the exasperated bartender finally says;

    "That fucking asshole keeps coming in here, trashing my bar, and kicking the shit outta my customers, Im gonna teach that prick a lesson"

    So the bartender goes to the local Zoo, rents a Gorilla and hides him in the washroom.

    The next day the Tough Guy returns as usual.

    "Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?


    Barkeep says "Sorry buddy you just missed him, I think he is taking a piss"

    The Tough Guy takes a deep breath and heads aggressively to the pub washroom. Once inside the barkeep and patrons hear banging and crashing and grunting and roaring, sounds like total chaos from inside the restroom.

    Things suddenly quiet down and a few moments later the beaten and bloodied Tough Guy stumbles out of the can and stares at the bartender.

    "Give me a shot of Whisky, and when that fucking nigger wakes up, you tell him his fur coat is in the garbage"

  18. #618

  19. #619
    Registered Senior Member MrPink's Avatar
    Posts
    34
    Brokeback Mountain Gay Self-Test

    1. If you're over thirty and you have a washboard for a stomach, you
    are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
    spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oprah
    diet.

    2. If you have a cat, you're a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
    but gay. It grooms itself constantly, but never scratches itself. It has a
    delicate touch, except when it uses its nails against you. It wines to be
    fed, and just think about how you call a dog: "Killer, come here! I said
    get your ass over here, Adolph!" Now think about how you call a cat...
    "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus Almighty, you're fit to be
    framed you're so gay.

    3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured you suck people-puddy. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, chicken wings, pickled pigs feet or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko, and you're
    undeniably a homo.

    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom, or piss in a
    parking lot, without doubt you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
    is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

    5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like the high hard one
    in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A
    straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Non-Fat No-Whip Caramel
    Machiatto" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
    like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

    6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types
    of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.A real
    man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
    well as all the names of all the players in Major League Baseball, the NFL,
    NHL, NBA and PGA. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what
    "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other
    than denim, you are faggadocious.

    7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel all the time, forget it,
    you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
    wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver, or to cut the jerk off. The rest of
    the time he needs that hand to change the music, eat a burger, hold his
    beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

    8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
    c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a
    woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by
    yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
    homosexual combustion).

  20. #620
    HAHAH according to that test I am not gay... well I assume the cat thing is a joke. Cats are cool.

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