as a faithful and a new born christian I'd like your advice in some religious matters

I do need some advice from you regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Thank You

 

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Though i am not qualified enough to give you advice on these critical matters of great concern i would attempt at some suggestions :

I understand the urgency. but it would be safe to find a time machine and go back some 20 or 30 centuries with the bull and daughter and don't forget to land somewhere around the mediteranian sea.

real problem indeed. you should be ready to face the wrath of God for the sake of your women-folks. anyway you might face the wrath for causing inconvenience to those women.

Nothing prevents you, go ahead. few years in prison, canadian prisions are not that severe as mexican, i think.

Yes. but ensure that you don't shit, piss, eat, drink, breath during that time.

He is right, IMO.

Some people with defect in sight were fucking on the altar thinking that it was a rock bed. That was old story. Please ensure that is not altar if you intend to something like that.

Let them die with white hair around their temples, sinners.

Please ensure the football and gloves are not wet with blood and fat and germs.

Better take your uncle & aunt also in that time machine.

Who is Lev ?

Oh, Lev is God..?

Welcome.

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But i cannot be held responsible for what you are going to do. Peace.:m:

 

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In response to your heathen neighbors, God said stone them.

Hmm, in response to selling a daughter God would want a fair price. That could be a minimum of $40,000.00 considering such a slave girl could generate that much in 20 to 40 days of running naked while paintballs are shot at her by those who pay the woman's owner to abuse her less than that which would prevent her from walking the next day. Hmm, add $20,000.00 per expected child if she can bear children because that might be the going rate for children.

To determine a woman's menstrual cycle, use pheromones. She will respond stronger in the middle of her cycle. Add a few days before and after the middle day to get her cycle's uncleanliness period. However, avoiding a woman during her ovulation time one will have reduced reproductive success.

Canadians and Mexicans are foreigners; but, Israelites are used to slavery. Instead of enslaving your neighbor, enslave those who were once slaves to the Egyptians. The worst thing that could happen is God giving you signs. If you live in Montanna, the hail storms can't get worse and the locusts would freeze. Have your Jewish slaves in Montanna.

Chaplans work on religious holidays and Sabbath for our Federal Government to provide religious freedoms to prisoners. While you follow God's law and kill those who work on Sabbath, be sure to kill Chaplans.

You can die quick from bad shellfish but you fail to multiply with homosexual behaviour, so be bisexual and eat certified shellfish to be good in God's eyes.

Bad eyes? That is why you need a ritual performer with good eyes. It is a form of job security.

By all means stone and burn anyone that violates God's law. That includes everyone that cuts their hair unfavorably towards God.

Pigskin footballs are utterly evil since evil was put in swine. Playing football is playing with evil. Be sure to have fireworks to feed God's appetite for fire because you only water his mouth by playing a sinister game.

The majority of the population has clothes with fiber blends. Be a good follower of God, get a flame thrower and torch everyone.

GodLied.

 

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Interestingly enough, you ask the exact same
questions about bible laws as this person did.

 

a) As if you think lev 1:9 is ample enough to show just how much god loves his smelly things..

You could also mention: Genesis 8:21, Exodus 29:18, 29:25, 29:41, Leviticus 1:9, 1:13, 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 4:31, 6:15, 6:21, 8:21, 8:28, 17:6, 23:13, 23:18, 26:31, Numbers 15:3, 15:7, 15:10, 15:13, 15:14, 15:24, 18:17, 28:2, 28:6, 28:8, 28:13, 28:24, 28:27, 29:2, 29:6, 29:8, 29:13, 29:36, and so on...

I mean, this isn't just something god likes- He's a fanatic! If you really want to know just how serious he is about smelly bulls read Lev 26:31. If you don't listen to gods commandments and obey him he will not be pleased by your smelly aromas. This comes way way way down the list of severity, after he gives you terrible diseases and makes you go blind, stops your farm yielding any crop, sends wild animals against you who will "rob" you of your children, sends a plague, turns you into a cannibal who "eats the flesh of his sons and flesh of his daughters".

As you can see, god really ranks his love for aromas pretty high up the list. Smite the neighbours! However, you could just wait until they leave from the overwhelming stench of too many smells. As long as you're doing it properly that is!

Don't forget: burnt offering, grain offering, the sin offering, the guilt offering, the ordination offering and the fellowship offering.

One dead bull isn't good enough for the lord.... burn many! The most important point to remember of course is: Lev 22:24 You must not offer to the lord an animal whose testicles are bruised, crushed, torn or cut.

Get down and check the bulls bollocks before burning it.

b) Can you believe those people, obviously possessed by the devil, who spent decades trying to abolish slavery? Boy, i hope they burn.

c) Convince her to be a nudist.

d) Their time will come. Slavery is like clothes fashion. It changes with the times. Israelis are a good start but once they become boring try some good ol' african folk.. im sure canadians will appear somewhere along the lines.

e) Yes you are. Get a group of worshipping, loving christians together and stone the bastard in the street.

f) They're both detestable, so sayeth the lord. However, he said nothing wrong about paedophilia. Fuck children.

g) Bad sight isn't as bad as deformed testicles. Check them first.

h) Hairdressers are all demons in human form. I suggest we get some excorcists to go out and deal with the problem.

i) god invented air-flo balls so you wouldn't have to use pigskin ones.

j) I asked god personally about this one. He stated in a mentally linked correspondence: "I will deal with the problem. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

Hope that helped.

 

I have only one advice for born-again christians:

Go to you bathroom. Stick you head in the toilet. Flush, while your're yelling "THIS FEEELS GOOOOODDDDD".

Repeat 3 or 4 times.

When your're done, I think you'll feel better, or at least in a higher mental state.

This may also apply to moslems, though they should flush up to 10 times.

 

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thanx all for contributing
religious folk is weird

 

Avatar, you should include a link to the original you copied it from, and give them some sort of credit, otherwise it's plagerism, how is that covered in sciforums rules?

 

The questions mentioned above are taken directly from here: http://www.valleyskeptic.com/dr_laura.html

Now, to the new Christian, I must say that majority of Christians with your ethnic background take faith in God as most important, no one looks into details mentioned in the questions you've asked. It is dangerous to follow those rules due to the fact that some are against the law and the social rules of your society. If you wish to see what a devoted Christian might think in this day, look here: http://talkov2000.narod.ru/ (warning: Russian text)

A smart individual, in search of religion, will look into details of each faith and pick the single ideas that seem most constructive and truthful to his heart.

 

you guys need to chill out. dont you have the slightest idea about the internet? letter to dr laura>obvious spoof>posted all over the web>signed...

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Jerry

you know that aint his real name and yet you wanna rain on avatar's parade? if evil wasnt involved i would come down even harder. now depart and leave the rest of us to enjoy the joke! it would have been funny to see the christians take this seriously but..... thanks a lot!

 

Plagerism is plagerism, someone shouldn't post work as if it were their own, to better themselves in others eyes. Thats just wrong. Plagerism is the devil in an information based society, such as the one here at sci-frorums. I feel plagerism should be punished, if it can be proven, it should not be made light of and accepted, spookz.

 

this shit is anonymous!, you fundie fanatic

The following is a tongue-in-cheek letter seeking Dr. Laura's advice on applying biblical morality and religious duties in today's world. Its author is unknown.

 

Still doesn't make passing it off as your own work right. Plagerism is wrong in any circumstance, even if the author is anonymous, someone using the work should give either credit to the site they took it from, or state that the work is not theirs, instead of pretending they went through the effort to create it. Credit should not be given, where credit is not due.

 

oh ok

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*humorless bastard!

 

I think my avatar says otherwise

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you need a serious time to be spent in a deep freezer, guys
read that letter in one LJ account. so what?
and frankly I give a no damn shit about plagerism, you can stiick it in your a$$
besides, I never did put my signature under that letter

 

You also didnt state that it wasn't you work, on a forum with usernames, people's posts are supposed to be their own work unless otherwise stated. So you like to steal your ideas and posts, rather then come up with your own?

 

I never said that

 

Implies that you find plagerism alright. How hard is it to say "Just found this?". Not very. Rather you passed it off as your own, I hate to read something clever, think the author is the person presenting it, only to find out they copied it from somewhere. Makes my compliments (not stated) turn to disgusting slime, because they were undeserved.

 

like I care

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