So for about three years I've been mostly cooked up inside my basement. Aside from a few rare occasions, I didn't see anyone outside my family during that entire time. Only recently have I left that void I fell into, so the things I'm about to talk about don't happen as often, if they happen at all anymore. I believe that the things I'm about to talk about were caused (or reinforced) by very powerful depression and lack of human contact whatsoever. First of all, I'm going back in time a few months to when this stuff was happening all the time. My moods would fly up and down on an insane rollercoaster. One day I would be incredibly happy for no reason, and the next I would be inevitably suicidally hopelessly depressed. It was during these radical moods that these things would happen. If I was just feeling "down", they usually didn't, or they would be very weak. Same if I was just "happy". But it didn't take much effort to throw myself into a deep depression where I could experience these things to their fullest. Now to explain what "these things" are. The first thing odd thing I noticed during these depressions (or extreme happinesses) was a color. I think it was usually red, but sometimes white, and it would appear in the corner of my basement bedroom. Often for only a moment, but sometimes it would linger there. I don't think it would move, but I could be wrong. If I tried focusing on it, it would usually vanish. But if I sort of concentrated on an area near it, I could study it. It looked like a light, only it wasn't being cast on the wall, but instead just floating there. I know that sounds weird, but it's the best way I can interpet it. Second weird thing was voices. During the night, I could hear people talking. Lots of people. It sounded as though there was a television on upstairs, but there wasn't. The house was dead silent, but if I concentrated hard enough, I could hear a very distant group of people talking. I couldn't make out the words or anything, but I know it was people. The tone would change, occasionally one "person" would speak louder than the others. Laughter was also there, but it was very, very faint. If I breathed more than just a whisper it would muffle it to where I couldn't hear it at all. Third weird thing, on a more personal note. During these depressions, as well as happinesses, I could make myself see things different. I know I couldn't actually "change" anything, but I could change the way everything looked to me. It was more than just "imagining" that something looked different. I could conjure the new image in my head and make my eyes see it. I could reach out and touch it, and even feel it on my fingertips. I suppose it was sort of like a voluntary hallucination, but it wasn't always voluntary. Often, while in these rollercoaster moods, if I was walking down the stairs, the walls around me would change very suddenly. They would morph from white wooden walls to medieval dungeon brick. And when I walked into a room, suddenly every single object in the room became obvious to me, like I could "see" everything in there on a whole new level. Like a blind man suddenly seeing for the first time and having everything in his sight become apparent to him. And I could bend and stretch everything in the room to my own desires. I could touch the walls and make them ripple, I could pick up things from accross the room and throw them, only to have them return to their places. I could spend an hour or more at a time just playing with my own hallucinations. And as well as hallucinations, I've found that sometimes I can leave my body altogether. I'll suddenly see myself from the outside (usually from the back or the side. I don't think I've ever seen myself from the front) and then I shoot out somewhere, flying over a landscape and usually arriving somewhere where it's raining. It's a hillside, a place I've never seen before. Sometimes I can see myself running there, even though I'm nowhere near it. This "leaving my body" lasts only for a moment, but I can do it again soon after. Also, I developed several more sides to me. I hesistate to say "personalities" because none of the others ever took me over completely. I could always be myself whenever there were people around, and they only "spoke" to me when I was alone. Yes, I might hear voices, but I'm sane enough to know they're my own. During the worst of the depression cycles, one of them they I developed - Sam, I don't know where the name came from - became my guide, my moral support. It didn't matter what mood I was in, he was always optimistic about everything. No matter what, which was a good thing considering how extremely negative I was about everything. Others developed, trying to change me, but none of them had names. Every passing day was a battle, and every day I had to choose whether life was worth living, and how I should live it provided I choose to continue on. They would often battle over it, fighting each other, fighting me for control, but in the end none of them won, because, I think, I had Sam to guide me. Now on to dreams. I dream often. If I could spend eternity in bed, dreaming, I would. I consdier myself very lucky that I'm able to dream like I do, because every dream is so incredibly real that sometimes when I wake up it takes me several minutes to believe I'm awake at all. And many, many, many, many of my dreams have similarities between the two. Locations that I've never been to appear in several of my dreams. Circumstances and events that have never happened happen often in my dreams. People that have little to do with my life make appearances in my dream, often with the same personalities. And in about half my dreams, I dream I'm dying, or getting killed, or running from a killer only to die in the end. And in many of these dreams, I die several times. As I said, my dreams feel extremely real, so when this happens - I cannot find the words to express the terror I feel. I wake up in a pool of sweat, sometimes with tears in my eyes, gasping for air. Sometimes I'm extremely warm, other times I'm unbearably cold. And as terrifying as it is to die in my dreams, I love it. They're my favorite dreams, and they're the most memorable. So I guess it's not such a bad thing, and my desire to have these dreams probably encourages them to happen more often. Finally, a note about a certain house. When I was very young, around two or three years old, my mother used to leave me at this house called the "Rainbow House" where I would be babysat until she returned. I have only two memories of that house: once being tucked into bed, and another seeing my mother pull up in a white car to take me home. Yet, when I think of the Rainbow House, I suddenly get a strong feeling. For years I've tried to describe this feeling, but I can't. It's impossible. The feeling lasts a split second and vanishes, and it doesn't come back unless I haven't thought of the Rainbow House for a week or so, and once again it's there and gone again just as quickly. This feeling...I don't know whether it's good or bad. It sort of feels like deja vu, I guess, but to say it's like deja vu is very misleading. There's something about the Rainbow House that I'll never know, like a repressed memory or something. Or maybe something else. So this was a long post. I'm just wondering what you people might think of all this. I know it might make me sound like a complete lunatic, but I assure you that I am in complete control of my mind and body at all times. Especially now, where I'm around people all the time and can no longer take advantage of my voluntary hallucinations (if I can even do them anymore). Thanks for your time.
This may sound like I am poking fun, but believe me, I am not... My depression was nothing like that. I wish it were!! I don't think I would have wanted to come out of it. If it were like that, I doubt I would have been able to stay in it for long because I would be happy there. I guess when it went away I would get depressed and it would start all over again... who knows. The question I have for you is: How do you not know if you can still do these voluntary hallucinations? If you are stable now, and in control of your mind, why not try to bring them back in a stable safe environment? Seems to me like it could be a hell of a powerful creative tool to use. Do you write or create any kind of visual art? Salvador Dali used to put himself in a sort of trance state. He would force himself into hallucinogenic paranoia. When he came out of it, he painted what he saw when he was there. It sounds to me like you can have the ability to experience the high of a very good potent hydro, without the cost or other drawbacks, while still remaining in control of your higher faculties. I say explore it. It may make you slip back into depression again, I don't know. But if it were me, I would try it. Part of that is because my dream world is about as opposite spectrum of yours as possible. I do lucid dream once in a blue moon and have had some "ou of body experinces" bit they are very few and far between. If I remember one dream in a MONTH I consider myself lucky. And nightmares are my favorite. I have to say. I am wholly jealous!! (and that doesn't happen often)
You're a lunatic!!! Join the club. Just kiddingPlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image! I can relate to a strangely large percentage of what you said. I don't get these things anymore because I got help, indirect help but it helped. I still get the dreams, the extremely realistic ones where I get killed or die and I agree, for some reason they are really awesome. I'm not one of those weirdo's who is "into" death or anything I just like those dreams, the death for me always feels bad for a second and then incredibly good. I remember one where this angry crazy teenage guy had a gun at a petrol station and everyone was really scared and I had the feeling he wasn't going to use it so I acted real cocky and teased him and stuff and then he angrily said "I don't like you!" and slammed the pistol barrel into the side of my head and pumped about 6 or more bullets into my brain. The barrel hitting the side of my head hurt a little like it would but as soon as I felt the bullets insert into my brain I was overcome with a euphoric bliss, it was really strange, I just felt really nice as I fell to the ground in slow motion and the gun weilders voice became blurred and slow untill it faded out along with me. It was disturbing untill I woke up and remembered it in the morning and then it became disturbing in a good way for some reason. I used to see colours too and have mild halucinations out of the blue but like you said when I would try to focus on them they would disapear or fade away. I remember one time I went in to my back yard and out of the corner of my eye it looked like the lawn was covered in a sheet of hard toffee or brown ice or something but as I turned my gaze it "cleared" up with it. It was strange I used to get them alot but I also used to do alot of drugs. I think we(me and you) do have some kind of mental illness that hasn't been labelled yet(if it is I haven't heard of it). I too was couped up with little human contact for a long time so this might be a simple side affect of that. But I think there is a reason we got couped up in the first place. Did you smoke alot of marijuana? I don't think it mixes well with us or I know it didn't with me, had some weird long term affects. Although they are going away now so maybe thats short term I don't know. I've never been able to leave my body I don't think. Voices were never really prevalent with me although I often have dreams of people talking in my room and then I think I wake up and I can still hear them but I'm too scared to open my eyes and then I really wake up and I can't hear them but I still think they're there and I get this disturbing sense they are hovering over me silently waiting for me wake up to do god knows what so I keep pretending to be asleep untill I fully wake up and realise how ridiculous I'm being(sometimes I still need to wake up by punching above me just in casePlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image!). Its really a bad paranoia I used to have, I'm not sure we do have the same problem but alot of things are similar. At times I could purposelly halucinate things but it was unstable and I could never touch them. Once I halucinated a window on a blank wall that had no window and I could see out it and there was a lemon tree branch against it. It sort of just flashed there and disapeared but then I sort of brought it back on purpose only this time I couldn't control it and it slided all over the wall really fast and was making a strange aeroplane noise. That was really fuckin weird. It was like it appeared out of the good of its heart but when I tried to bring it back it was mad that I dared to do thatPlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Remember "it" was a window with a blue sky and lemon tree outsidePlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image!. The way it moved around on the wall was erratic and accompanied with the weird, bassy noise I just got the sense it was mad for some reason. Another interesting thing about it, was as it moved around the fake outside wouldn't move with it, thats what made it so realistic and scary. The flashes of cloud and far away landscapes would be correct as it zoomed over certain areas(correct to itself, not to the real outside world). This happened one day after I had been smoking marijuana non stop for three weeks, the first day I went without. Still marijuana isn't supposed to have that sort of affect on people. On the flipside, I've been on acid before and the affects were relatively minor, especially compared to the other people on it with me who would see all sorts of things but it just sort of made my vision blurred and my train of thought clearer and deeper. I never took any of these hallucinations too seriously, I would usually take them with a smile and an "awesome" and oddly I actually met and became friends with a guy who had similar ordeals, although he didn't particularly like them and I think he admire my non-chalant attitude about the whole thing. He thought we were seriously fucked up and he was scared that if people found out we'd spend the rest of our lives in an insane assylum. I got really depressed from the drugs so I decided to stop and after a weird a couple of months I started to feel normal for the first time in ages. Its weird I actually completely forgot all this stuff untill I read your post, I went to a hypnotherapist recently and I think that she might have tucked these memories away, I hope they don't come back to be honest, I couldn't handle them at this stage of my life like I could when I was a carefree teenager. Just a 24-7 rollercoaster of bizarre is what I used to go through but only a small percentage was disturbing. I actually recomend a hypnotherapist to snap you into reality and also help you figure out whatever it is about "the rainbow house" you need to remember. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, I liked your post and it brought back more fond memories than bad. Our experiences are different but that just makes me think psychologists have alot more studying to do. There are alot more mental conditions than they know about I think.
Actually, as much as I miss these hallucinations and "fun time" I had with them, they were probably the only thing that kept me from suicide during the last three years. It's just not worth it to experience that sort of thing and be that depressed at the same time. Still, from time to time when I'm alone I can "sense" the objects in the room. Not nearly as powerful as it was before, but it's still there, when I get depressed, which happens often though not as often or strong as before. Whoo Dr Lou Natic, your message is hard to read. No indents or paragraph breaks...egads!
kbmb I'm not suggesting you are manic deppressive, but some of what you described sounds like it. Did you ever see a doctor about your episodes? The following may help you to understand your condition... What is BiPolar Disorder? (Manic Depression) What is Manic Depression? Manic depression involves wide mood alterations, with periods of both depression and mania. A person experiencing depression or mania may have intense mood swings and consequent changes in thinking and behaviour. The term that is professionally used for this illness is Bipolar Affective Disorder. Bipolar means sharing two poles (high and low) and Affective Disorder means a disorder having to do with mood. What Causes Manic Depression and Who Are The People At Risk? The cause is not known. Any person can develop manic depression, however, studies indicate that highly creative, sensitive people, people tending to be perfectionists and high achievers, have a higher incidence of bipolar affective disorder. Although biological factors seem to play a major role in producing the illness, a person's personality make up and or stresses in the environment may also play a part in bringing on an acute episode. How Many People Are Affected and What Are The Symptoms? It is estimated that 1% of the population will have a manic depressive illness. Environmental factors such as death, separation and divorce may trigger the disorder. The illness manifests itself with the individual experiencing episodes of mania or elation followed by low mood or depression. The number of manic and depressive episodes varies greatly from person to person and most individuals experience "normal" periods between their manic and depressive episodes. Manic depression can send a person plunging from a high state, where one may believe one has superhuman energy and abilities, into a pit of despair, where it may seem as if the only way out is suicide. In fact, however, there are very effective treatments available. The symptoms of depression and mania are described separately: Depressive state: The chief symptom is a sad, despairing mood, which may be accompanied by some or all of the following, depending on the severity of the illness: -lack of energy -sleep problems where a person may sleep too much or too little -loss of interest in work, family and friends -change in eating habits -preoccupation with failures and inadequacies -loss of self-esteem -feelings of guilt -excessive concern about physical complaints -decreased sexual drive -crying easily, suicidal and occasional homicidal thoughts Manic State: A person feels total "euphoria" and strength. However, in the early stages of the illness, the person may appear to be more sociable, active, talkative, self-confident, perceptive, and creative than usual. As his/her mood elevates, he or she may experience some or all of the following: -increased stength and energy, decreased sleep -extreme irritability -rapid, unpredictable emotional changes -racing thoughts, flight of ideas -increased interest in activities, overspending -grandiosity, inflated self-esteem -increased sexual drive -poor judgment What Are The Treatments? There is no real cure for manic depression at present, but through the use of monitored medication programs it is possible to smooth out and reduce the frequency of the highs and the lows, and in some cases episodes may be altogether prevented. Some factors that determine the type of treatment care the nature of the symptoms and also the number of previous episodes, severity and duration of the illness and previous response to treatments. Counselling and therapy can be helpful. Self help support groups can be very beneficial. Whatever the recommended treatment, it is important to be informed. If you are not certain about treatment, ask questions. Where Can I Go For Help? Remember you are not alone. Reaching out for help and knowing where to go for positive support can help to make a person recover from their negative state of crisis. You may want to contact your family doctor, local branch (in Canada) of the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), the Depressive and Manic Depressive Association of Ontario (Canada), Tel. (416) 481-5413 Source for this information was a CMHA Fact Sheet
tablariddim, that pretty much sums me up exactly. It's occured to me before that I might be manic depressive, but I've never seen a doctor about it. I don't really see the point, actually. If I'm diagnosed, it will be no big surprise and it still won't help me. If they say I'm not, I'll be surprised and still in bad shape. Either way, I refuse to go on medication and really can't afford a doctor anyway Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I think you should reconsider... the alternative could be tragic!Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I think what you need to grasp is the reality of your condition and to learn to control it. Perhaps talking with other sufferers would help you to deal with it without resorting to medication. My best friend is M D and copes with it pretty well, without medication. He is a gifted musician and creative artist and I think it's important to express creatively through whatever talents you may have to keep the depression away. It seems to work for him. Thing is though, you may also endanger yourself physically from your manic episodes, that is why it's important to talk with a doctor experienced in these matters. I wish you well.
Well, thanks for the suggestions, but manic depressiveness isn't really what I was bothering everyone here about Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! I think the depression fuels the wild stuff, but it may not be the cause of it. Dare I say I have supernatural powers? Well, maybe not, but I'd like to know what people think Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Hmmm heh I kinda went thru that roller coaster of emotions when I first started spirituality. I use to be just like that get depressed and happy all in one day. I use to sit infront of my window for longest time questioning life and all that. I went thru a time of what I call the "word" where it was like someone was trying to give me inspiration and hope, I felt vibes thru me whenever this happend and I still feel vibes when I hear the word. Like ther is a spirit guide or something. Clairsentient? I didnt go thru your hallucinations heh But I do see colors , thats different from seeing the air. these colors are more 3d. But I guess thats how the guides showed themselves to me, the one I see most is blue and when I touch it with my mind its rough like sandpaper but not that rough and it smells of flowers. When I look at an object I can see it... vibrating like its molecules keeping it together. I can see auras of natural things on my own will but not peoples aura's. But I'm empathic in a way I'm just now realizing it. I did have an out of body experience but I was in 3 places at once. And I can lucid dream as easily as waking. At the beggining when I first started seeing dreams more clearly I was always running from someone. Then I started dying. then some kind of learning. and now its just funky dreams with occasional scary ones. I read that Death in dreams mean a change. So dont think your going to die or anything heh. Oh and I've had 2 visions, long time ago well about 2 years ago. First one was a a sword, a desert, a soldier. Then the second was a man dead lying on the ground in a palace that was all dusty and dark with green suit with a beret, with people wearing same uniform around him in a circle.
Hi there, i found this topic on google when i searched up "seeing colours" cause i also used to see colours and i still do at times. I find it very interesting what you all have been discussing, i was too alone for a major period of time and smoking alot of mary jane and taking other kind of drugs when i began seeing colours. I would see shapes floating around every where and when i tried focusing on them they would vanish or move to other place in the room. they were very similar to the aura colours i would see around people and objects, i discovered though one night of seeing this bright pink colour floating around my ceiling fan, it moved close to me and attached it self to me and i felt heavy/numb/drained. I got my mother straight away and told her, anyways we had some some of my spirtual friends come around and it was actaully a spirt that had come in contact with me. it was very interesting. I smoke mary jane these days alot too and havn't seen as vivid colours as i did a couple of months back. I saw a colour floating the other night around my partners room, and a soft voice of a lady was speaking to me but i couldn't work out what she was saying. then the mood of the room changed and i could feel the vibe of passion and it surrounded us both. it was a great feeling. it was a rich red colour and it was about 5 feet tall and i could see it for about 5 seconds clearly and then i would still look over for it and it would be there but very faintly after a while. I heard voices too, but it was while i was chatting to a friend vire msn video call and what would happen is that the speakers would make odd static noises and my friends voice would speed up and reverse and then go down to this really deep robotic like voice and then after a while we couldn't cam each other or do anything :bugeye: , even though it worked with my other contacts. very odd i thought. I was also very uppy and downy with my moods aswell, i was very rushed and stressed yet upbeat and fun and then i'd go into a really bad depression that would last up to an hour, i'd go so crazy and i just didn't know what to do with myself but i felt like i really needed to do something. it was odd. it doesn't happen like that anymore though, but i think that had to do with the fact i was doing alot of ecstacy and speed. Dreams that i have are also very similar, about death and dying and distruction. i always dream about terrorist induced death, like plan crashes and bombs and running away and trying to save everyone. I see numbers too, do any of you? like on digital clocks. 1.11, 2.22, 3.33, 4.44, 5.55, 11.11, 12.12? i been trying to get a better grasp on what it means but nothing has really helped me yet. I do alot of meditation, that made my mind abit more centred, maybe that might help you aswell? anyways thanks . - Lana :m: opens your mind so to speak hehe. if you would like to read more i have wrote a blog on my myspace (ah which i can't link without 20 posts or more, so visit my profile on here and go to my myspace and then click on blog and it should be there) yay!
kbmb, Wow! Bipolar, schizophrenic, at least one emergent 'other' personality, intense hypnogogia, and you came out of it with your head still screwed on. You are the F-in man (I salute you)! You've had the opportunity to experiment with natural human hallucination in ways that alot of us might dream of. My question would be what kind of observations did you make that you found important and why do they stick out for you?
