02-10-12, 01:47 PM #1
My Daughter's FaceBook Account
So I'm using my daughter's netbook this morning and noticed that her FaceBook account is open. I had a look at the messages on her account, those between her and her boyfriend. So I've learned a considerable amount about their sexual relationship and am thinking that I can't trust them to be alone. Considering that I've read her personal messages, I need a reason that wont tip her off as to how I know what they have been up to.
02-10-12, 01:53 PM #2
So complete strangers know more about her sex life than you do?
02-10-12, 02:03 PM #3
02-10-12, 02:04 PM #4
02-10-12, 02:09 PM #5
No, they're personal messages in her message box. It's quite startling because she and her friends are talking up a storm about the subject. She has always sworn to be a "good girl," but according to what I've read, she's approaching the line that shouldn't be crossed at fourteen years of age. My wife and I have allowed them to be alone in her room simply because we have trusted them, but I'm getting concerned that they are flirting with the idea of going for the big one, exploiting our good faith in the process.
I've also learned that she and her friends have been in my room and in my personal stuff.
02-10-12, 02:14 PM #6
Young adults need their privacy and by ease dropping on her face book would seem to her that your being nosy and intrusive and therefore not trusting of her. That said if you taught your daughter well then you shouldn't have to worry about her actions for that's her business unless harm will come to her or other similar types of things that would then need your interjection.
02-10-12, 02:22 PM #7
I will run it across my wife. She has a better head when approaching this these sensitive issues. We definitely need to talk with my daughter. She's simply too young. I'm definitely going to have a talk with her boyfriend. Damn it!
02-10-12, 02:23 PM #8
Something about genies and bottles
There is some information that might help, though it's up to you if you want to disclose it. For instance, how old is she? Do you have a FB account? And so on.
Anecdotally, I remember once accepting a friend request, wondering why that particular person would be friending me, before realizing that I was not in my own account. Absent-mindedness is a parental ploy my mother still uses to this day, pretending that she accidentally stumbled across some information or evidence that she disapproves of. I joke about it with her, now, but ... er, never mind. Suffice to say when I was seventeen she allegedly figured out I was sexually active from three pieces of lint on the sofa, and concealed (buried in a desk, or under the bed, &c.) evidence was lying out in plain sight, visible through an open bedroom door. You could always plead absent-mindedness if you also have a Facebook account.
Or you could try a run-around. We all know that sexual relations change people. Something about her behavior, or in her eyes, or whatever, compels you to ask a certain question, but that's also a patience game; you have to wait for the appropriate stimulus before responding with the inquiries. (Yeah, I know how that sounds.)
And then there is always the painful route, which is to be honest and admit that while you hadn't intended to snoop, well, yeah, that's what ended up happening, and as her father you don't want her to think she's out in the world alone with nobody to turn to for advice or, should difficult circumstances arise, help. This is probably the healthiest way over the long run, but it's also a bit dangerous, like ballet in a minefield. Some parents feel they have precluded themselves from this approach according to longstanding familial custom, but I think you're well aware that reality often changes one's working theories when that reality draws near enough.
Which may or may not mean you'll be revising your moral expressions. There are too many gaps in my understanding of your outlook to be any more specific, but in my world—that is, were I in your situation—the best route is inclusive. As a son, for instance, among the many things that improved my relationship with my father, something had to do with the alleviation of the burden he felt hiding certain aspects of his outlook. Like the time we were having a beer together and I dropped that stupid line I use about masturbation being more gratifying than conjugal relations with the woman who eventually bore my daughter. When I was a kid, that would have earned a certain degree of disapproval. But as adults, it's different. He just smiled into his pint, sipped thoughtfully, then half nodded and half shook his head, saying quietly, "Yeah. Yeah. I know."
That's probably more than I ever wanted to even suspect about my mother, but it could also mean any one of the unknown number of women he had affairs with.
Or when he found out, after estrangement from my mother, that the girlfriend he let move into his place was a meth addict. All I could say was, "Well, now you know what to avoid."
There comes a point when the context of social differentiation between being a parent, to the one, and a friend, to the other, changes dramatically. You never need to know what she does with her tongue while she's down, and she never needs to know your patented hip flourish during copulation. But you'll be of far more value to her if it's not, "How dare you!" but, rather ... er ... okay, I guess it's hard to explain. It's partially instinctive, and depends entirely on the parent and family involved. Like if she comes to trust you enough to tell you about the fight she had with her boyfriend, you can just shrug, look philosophically into the distance, and say something like, "Every guy says that at some point. It's almost like a mystic gate that we have to pass through before we can figure out what's really important."
So if there is any advice I can offer, it is to plot a course that will get you to a place where you can be useful within the scope of her trust.
Which, of course, is nearly useless advice for its vagary.
Good luck with this one.
02-10-12, 02:30 PM #9
You have 'read her mail', which is a breach of her privacy, and in doing so discovered things that you are rightfully concerned about as a parent and that she and her friends have violated your privacy by going into your room and through your personal stuff.
Tough call, Bowser. I'm sorry, but I have no experience with children of my own to draw upon.
02-10-12, 02:41 PM #10
"Do as I say, not as I do" is an impotent parenting method. And what exactly are you trying to teach her? That it's not okay to snoop around your stuff? If so, what exempts you from this rule? What's the point of teaching it if it's not something you even follow yourself?
And instead of trying to keep her from having sex (which you'll never be able to do) why not make sure she has all the information she needs to do it safely, and for the right reasons?
02-10-12, 02:53 PM #11
Just give her some condoms and let her do what she will. It's not something you can prevent, it's a biological need that arises when the body is ready.
02-10-12, 02:59 PM #12
I don't know what the answer is, but if I had a teenage daughter, I'd rather her have protected sex in my house - rather than somewhere unsafe like the back of the bleachers or someones car or cheap hotel.
There's a medical school ethics case involving a girl and sex and abortion. In the case the girl is 12. The reason why she's 12 is because there's so many 12 year olds now in need of counseling because of sexual related matters, such as pregnancy and GPs need to think the law and patient privacy.
I'd try and sit down and have a talk and make it clear you love your daughter and wish she would wait. You can tell her that you know how things are as a teenager and maybe that'll help.
02-10-12, 02:59 PM #13
I admit that I was a dog in my youth, and I've explained to my daughter that most boys are just that--dogs. But I always thought her boyfriend to be an exception to the rule.
02-10-12, 03:08 PM #14
02-10-12, 03:12 PM #15
And dont worry, it is not a big deal for her and wont be so for you if you handle the situation objectively and nicely.
02-10-12, 03:14 PM #16
In regard to some issues, parents have the right to investigate their children's privacy, for the simple reason that they are parents.
Of course, if in a family, family roles have not been clearly and strongly kept, it is difficult to introdue a new order.
02-10-12, 03:17 PM #17
"Parents dont deserve respect*, they earn it." - George Carlin
*or trust or authority, etc.
02-10-12, 03:22 PM #18
02-10-12, 03:24 PM #19
02-10-12, 03:31 PM #20
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