Attention Peoples of the United States of America.

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Trippy, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. Trippy ALEA IACTA EST Staff Member

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    A bit of political humor for you:

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!
     
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  3. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

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    Hilarious, Trippy!

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  5. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    bloody sheep rooters wouldnt know a good beer if it fell on them

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    Not to mention all the good sports are won by the Aussies not the sheep rooters

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  7. Trippy ALEA IACTA EST Staff Member

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    At least we know how to spell it

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    Really? Because it seems you only narrowly managed to beat the South Africans over the weekend, what was the margin again? 2 points because of a penalty in the last ten minutes, with SA dominating the game in terms of posession and territory? Seems to me like you limped through.

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  8. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    As i said the GOOD sports, ie cricket and netball

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    The rest are just time fillers till the cricket and netball are on

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    oh and who drinks 4x, good beer is made in the south, coopers, tassie beer, some of the Boutique Brewery
     
  9. Gustav Banned Banned

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    heads up trippy

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  10. Trippy ALEA IACTA EST Staff Member

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    Easy fixed, I'll build a fortified compound near an Australian military base, you'll never find me

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  11. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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  12. Trippy ALEA IACTA EST Staff Member

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  13. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    NZders worst nightmare huh?

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    All your wives and girlfriends trying to kill you

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  14. Trippy ALEA IACTA EST Staff Member

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    You've missed the point of the thread entirely, if you think it has anything to do with Australia.

    Likewise, you've missed the point of my reply to Gustav, who I'm sure is intelligent enough to grasp the reference, as vague as it might seem.

    I've tried engaging you with some light hearted banter in the spirit of being a good sport, but instead of letting it alone, you've insisted on pursuing it, now I'm asking you to stop trolling the thread with your offtopic nonsense.
     
  15. joepistole Deacon Blues Valued Senior Member

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    That was great Trippy!
     
  16. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    Sounds great. Do it!
     

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