GeoffP to run for President!!

This is a public service message from the “Other” Party.

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My fellow Americans and others,

Greetings. I’d like to take the time today to announce my candidacy for Presidency of the United States. Or, rather, my candidacy as through a strategically shaved monkey born in the US.

We, as Americans, and those of us in America on cheaply-issued visas designed to steal your jobs and women, are facing numerous trials in this new, excitingly unsettling century: poverty, gas prices, immigration, international relations, and the essential, defining question of how to essentially define ourselves. What is an American? Is it the kindly old fellow down the street with a secret gun stash, the helpful young beatnik girl running a grow facility out of her basement, or the wily British immigrant occupying an assistant prof slot that any American with half as much training or a working brain could fill?

And what will our responses to these issues be? Will we smile and take the hit without inhaling, or will we absorb the very essence of what it is to be American into our lungs and then go looking for Doritos?

Well, my answer to those questions is: whatever will get me in office. And I give my word to you, the American people, that that answer is a commitment that I will not waver from. No matter the storm or sacrifice by my supporters, no matter the scandal or dimished hope or outright abhorrence by the electorate, at the end of the day I will maintain my vigilant grip on anything that will ensure my election until they forcibly pry my sweaty fingers off the coattails of iniquity one by one. Though I hope they don’t do a Blade Runner on me. I don’t have that much conviction, I assure you.

But I want to make it clear that I will not simply load up and fire wildly at the issues that confront us, shooting myself or my political lobbyists in the face, or else wildly dodge them like so many Bosnian snipers. We must have a clear, concise response to the challenges of today. And that response is: let me get back to you on that. With the dumbing down of knowledge today, it’s not important that you know where you were ten years ago or even how many states we have. What is important, however, is our understanding of the old adage: “Fool me once, shame on…me? Fool me twice…fool me once cain’t git fooled again.” And this is an adage that I live by. Or not, depending on popular opinion.

My opponents Barack (*cough Hussain*) Obama and John (*cough Angry*) McCain have been talking about Iraq in the last few weeks, but maybe if they stopped to spend some time in Ohio, Minnesota and the mythical land of Florigan – there one moment, gone the next – they'd understand the kind of change that I think you might be duped into voting me in for. Maybe, just maybe if they’d met the hot student who works night shifts after class and still can't pay the medical bills for her ill sister, they'd understand that Americans can't afford a health care plan that only takes care of the healthy and wealthy, like me. Or maybe even if I’d met her. But I’m sure I saw the neighbourhood she was in. It was hard to tell; it went by pretty quick as I cruised over it at 32,000 feet. But emptying the septic system there was pure accident, I can assure you. I’ll talk to the captain. He’s a "typical pilot". You know.

Or maybe if my opponents went to Pennsylvania and met the man who can't afford the gas to drive around and look for a new job, they'd understand that we can't afford four more years of our addiction to oil from dictators unless they pay me off like they did all the other guys. I’m looking at you, King Faisal. That man needs us to pass an energy policy that works with automakers to raise fuel standards like he needs another gold-plated toilet seat.

We need to recruit an army of new teachers to fight in out schools against the growing cellphone smackdown menace, and give them better pay and more support for when they finally crack up and get caught with their willies in the ‘student body’. We need to finally decide that in this global American-controlled economy, college education should not be a privilege for the wealthy few, but the birthright of every American born wealthy. That's the kind of change we need in America, and that's why I'm putting my monkey up to run for President.

And we must be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in - but start leaving soon we must, because Pakistan is looking pre-etty cocky over there. It's time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their future which we have horribly, horribly mangled. It's time to refocus our efforts on the dead guy who ran al-Qaida, because that mission actually is complete, and rally the world or whoever we can get against the common threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease; Pakistan and Iran. That's what change is. A change of targets.

But change is also understanding that the struggles facing working families can't be solved by spending billions of dollars on more tax breaks for big corporations and wealthy CEOs, but by reinvesting in political operators taking money hand over fist from anyone willing to write a cheque and preserve the eternal status quo ante. And it's understanding that fiscal responsibility and shared prosperity can go hand-in-hand, as they did when Bill Clinton was president...although it’s time to vote me in and not him or anyone related to him by marriage. I'm just saying.

The other parties will offer a very different set of policies and positions, and I can tell you unequivocally that is a debate that I will not be in town for. But what you won't hear from my party is the kind of politics that uses religion as a wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon, because frankly we prefer it the other way around. Americans may call themselves Democrats or Republicans or 'Others', but we are always Americans first. Unless, as in my example, we are not. But the monkey most assuredly is. Or if he isn’t he hasn’t told me any different.

I am seeking a common cause with every single American – and many people from other nations with ‘improving’ relations with our own – willing to give me money. I've walked arm-in-arm with religious community leaders, and then stopped and ducked away as they went just a bit too far, and then pretended I didn’t know them as I walked quickly in the other direction and they chased after me, latching onto my leg like angry or excited terriers, humping and biting and urinating and finally being allegorically scraped off by my taking their phone number off of my "Fav Five". I've sat across the table from human rights advocates, and from law enforcement as they explained the nature of the charges against me while I tried to shake off the haze from the blow. I have worked with friends and opponents in the other parties, but I reiterate: even so, don’t elect them.

I firmly believe that resolution is critical, or at least I could be convinced of it. And cooperation happens not when we agree on everything, but when we agree on one thing, like elevating a foreigner toting a shaved monkey beyond all the petty bickering and point-scoring in Washington so that he can suppress all the petty bickering and point-scoring with complete brutality. And I know in my heart that Americans are a decent, generous, compassionate people that are hopefully gullible enough to make me the leader of this great, totalitarianism-deficient, country.

So it was, for that band of patriots who declared in a Philadelphia hall that they didn’t like ‘snotty’ King George, and thought of a great way to avoid paying taxes by making a more perfect, untaxable union. And I should mention here that I hate tea also.

So it was, for those who gave on the fields of Gettysburg and Antietam their last full measure of devotion to save that same union, although, to be frank, one of you won and one of you lost, like, big time. But it is time to put that anger away and have both of you vote for me, because I promise never to bring it pointlessly up in the middle of an acceptance speech, as if that made some kind of point.

So it was, for the greatest generation that conquered fear itself, liberated a continent from tyranny, made this country home to untold opportunity and prosperity, and then created television.

So it was for me, standing in a wet drizzle outside an immigration office, hoping that my patent lack of experience and training wouldn’t keep me from the post that my increasing revulsion from my own profession and burnt-out jadedness made a more and more unattainable goal. And so it must be for my sixteen wives and children.

America - this is my moment. This is my time. My time to turn the page on the past, and to bring new, so-far uncorrupted energy to the challenges I will probably create out of incompetence or boredom. The journey will be difficult and long. I face it with faith in the American people. If you vote for me, and believe whatever I say uncritically, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when Geoff made the sick well, gave good jobs to the jobless, stopped the rise of the oceans and healed our planet with the sheer force of his own willpower and approximately $43 trillion in adjusted US dollars. But if, in the end, it turns out that that wasn’t actually my plan all along, then I am willing to take whatever steps are necessary to blame it on the CIA.

I believe in America, and I hope that America will believe in me.

Because believe me, at the end of the day, it would probably be impossible to fuck things up any more than they already are.

Thank you, Myuu bless you, and may Myuu bless the United States of America. Which, actually, is also you, but whatever.

Sincerely,

GeoffP
Presidential Candidate, “Other” Party

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hate to break it to you but your not old enough to be president

 

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Dude, I totally am.

 

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your thirty right you need to be 35

 

Wanna play doctor little girl??

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Sir! Sir! Sir! Pick me! I have a question.
Thank you Mr P:

Recently in the news, you were mentioned as saying that you - and I quote "wanted to significantly enhance bipartisan affairs in congress by replacing key influential figureheads with progressively minded -yet slightly reptilian- policy changers. Is this true, and what sort of policies were you targeting in this statement?
Thank you Mr P.

 

My fellow Americans,

First, I would like to thank you for your comments. This is a matter of very real importance to me, and my cabinet.

I understand your concerns about time. Time is of the essence. It is fleeting. And it's up to us, as Americans and recent co-inhabitants of this nation, that time is working against us, and also for us. It's up to us to use that time, and use it wisely.

It's a fact that trying too hard does make one "uncool". But I think you'll find - I think the record shows - that I am, indeed, "cool". I've asked around all my staffers and all my interns and they do indeed believe that I am, indeed, "cool", at a ratio of about 5:1.

Secondly, I just want to say that I appreciate comments from the younger generation. It's a real honour to be having intelligent challenges from people not actually even old enough to vote. I just want to say that I appreciate your comments, and I want you to know that your voice is going to be heard in my administration. Thanks, thankyou. Next question?

That's an excellent question from a very...free member of the press. Yes, very free. Free, free, free.

Look, what I'm saying is, is that the Congress is still very divided. It's a very divided body. Republicans on one side, Democrats on the other. What Geoffmania, as, uh, some people have taken to calling it - all right, all right, let's - let me just - okay, settle down, people. What Geoffmania is trying to do is bring a fresh air of co-operation into each of the Houses of this great and tasty nation. And I think - and we think - that this is best accomplished by replacing the old institutions outright. Now - now we promise that this kind of replacement - this is a goal of ours - is going to be a painless, seamless, completely secret affair known only to a select cabal of inner Other Party controllers. In fact, it will be so seamless that you won't even notice it's happening, won't even register on the national radar, until it's too - I mean, until we are ready to really make a difference. But Congress will carry on exactly as before! We promise that not even the wives and husbands of the fine Congressmen and Congresswomen of this great nation of ours won't even notice! No, really, they won't have the slightest idea.

Not until December, anyway, when the lethargy of their mates - er, significant others - may become more apparent.

Now that's all the questions that I have time for right now, as I'm due to make a report to my home - I mean...to my home. So let me conclude by saying "A thousand points of light", "A new hope" and "real change". Real change.

Goodnight, my fellow inhabitants of the Republic of the United States, Third Planet in the Sol Cluster.

GeoffP
Presidential Candidate, "Other" Party

 

Do you happen to know the number of this true American?

 

A jew president? Well now I've officially heard everything.

 

Dear Mr. P:

How do you plan to break down the barriers and bipartisan voters have on the "Other" party? I would be ever so interested in how you plan to "influence" the American population to break down the tradition of the two political party system? Seeing as that no one ever seems to pay any serious attention to 3rd party candidates.

Thank you for your time Mr. P.

 

Burn in hell GeoffP!

 

What's your policy on the legalization on marajuana? Who are you planning to put in your cabinet?

 

The following is a brief political message from the "Other Party". Pay no overt attention to any subliminal messages therein.

I mean: we don't have any subliminal messages. So don't pay attention to them.

VOTE FOR GEOFFP VOTE FOR GEOFFP VOTE FOR GEOFFP VOTE FOR GEOFFP

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My fellow Americans and almost-Americans,

Greetings.

It’s been almost a whole two weeks since I voluntarily took myself off the boards, and then twenty minutes since I completely reneged on my solemn promise and crawled back. I've had a lot of time to reflect on my actions, and on the burning questions in the public discourse, and on the burning issues in less public areas.

In the time away on my legally-enforced-due-process hiatus, the one question on everyone’s minds has been ‘What is up with GeoffP’s bid for presidency?’ I’ve received this question in townhall forums of my most vicious supporters, closed meetings of like-minded community organizers, and sometimes hurled at me in the street and followed by a colloquial for a body part. And I just want to say: thank you for all the interest in my platform. And for letting me go after I gave you that 20 bucks.

One thing that I have felt very strongly about for more than eight months is that this election is about change. Not loose change, rattling around in the pocket, and not social change, with its attendant upheavals and economic chaos, but change in the name of the person who gets to run the whole show to “GeoffP”. And I think that’s the change we all most believe in, or at least that is the most likely in the upcoming election.

The question I’ve heard most about my run for the Presidency in the last few weeks - from the little girl in the ice cream shop with the twinkle in her eye, to the elderly New Jersey ‘private donor’ in the white pinstripe suit, sitting behind a darkened desk in the abandoned warehouse I was dragged to by his goons - is: “When you gonna chose a running mate for President, eh?” And I can say that I am now sufficiently in control of my terror to answer that question.

You all know of my Co-Elector “Bubbles”, the trained chimp and – critically to the success of the “Geoff Doctrine” – American citizen who will be running to occupy the seat that I intend to control from the profitable and less-responsible “shadows” before retiring and getting wealthy writing books criticizing everything that the previous administration, including me, ever did. My selection of a VP pick has wavered back and forth between war heroes, community organizers, MILFs from Alaska and associates of the Unabomber. (Unibomber? No idea.) But none of them would return my phonecalls - especially “Caribou Barbie” - so for now it’s just me and the chimp. I am assured by his direct handlers, however, that the chimp has ample experience in the throwing of dung, which is as laudable a trait as I can imagine for the Presidency of this great nation.

Other people have asked things like “What are your policies?” and “Do you approve of the development of local energy resources to get America off petroleum?” and “Do you really think I don’t know you’re in there?” And my answer to those questions is, and remains, that which I have not wavered from throughout this election: [whatever will get me elected]. I am proud to say that I have remained committed to this proposition through thick and thin. It is time to take back what makes America great and hide it as deep as we possibly can dig in the flower garden.

I have also received important questions about the legalization of marijuana. This is a critical issue for this country; whether we finally open our red-rimmed eyes to see through the dense, smoky haze of media criticism to the legitimate medical uses of a readily cultured biodegradable plant, or whether we are forced to turn away once again, obscuring the stink of the issue with the incense of ignorance, stuffing the towel of avoidance into the doorjam of society and taking deep puffs of freedom out our small dorm-room windows, away from the sight of our residence counselors. And continued avoidance of the issue is a platform I think we can all agree with, because, hey: it’s really not that hard to see which of us is the pothead. I mean, come on. No one likes cedarwood that much.

Some questions I’ve received on the internet include:

This is a fascinating and intricate question that deserves a fascinating and intricate answer. The Other Party has put in place a three-part plan to deal with precisely this issue. It’s meant to be an “election surprise”, but I can say that I critically believe in the importance of the media in getting Americans together on the major issues that confront me. I have a 3-stage plan for getting Americans to pay attention to my third-party, third-rate candidacy:


Stage 1 concerns our integration of key “outreach personnel” from the Other Party into the media. These will include electioneers, public opinion officers and qualified hypnotic suggestionalists.

Stage 2 is about changing – remaking, if you will – the nature of American TV and radio broadcasts, primarily by the addition of small, almost unnoticeable ‘educational segments’ to play every half hour. These ‘educational segments’ will keep the average citizen of the US up-to-date on all developments of the nation almost without their even knowing. In fact, it will be completely without their knowing.

Stage 3 is about waiting until the drooli – I mean, patriotic masses of the now-united American citizenry take to the streets to express their unity, and also to help those having missed the message to ‘catch up’ in one of the numerous ‘educational centres’ we plan to erect in out-of-the-way unexplored lands like Alaska, and Kansas.


To paraphrase one of your great, warm-blooded mammalian leaders: Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for GeoffP. I thank you all for the involuntary muscle twitches that indicate your keen 'support', and look forward to my coronation – er, acceptance speech - in January.

Sincerely,

GeoffP

Supreme Leader-In-Exile
The Other Party

 

1. You're English, you're ineligible.

2. Shouldn't you be completing those grants? :bugeye: October is not that far away. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

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I'm trying to stress him out

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