If I'll do what I want to do, I won't achieve what I want to achieve.
And if I'll do what I don't want to do, it's possible I'll achieve what I want to achieve.
And achieve I wish for the better of all not myself.
Do I wish to give up myself? That is a serious psychological problem I'm having, and the gears are turning: in my brain, my flesh, age, this world, time and space.

Sounds like you are in two minds about whether you want to achieve it or not - would some "two chair work" (http://www.gestalt.on.ca/site/page.php?id=32) help....?

Empty Chair or Two Chair Work: Gestalt’s application of psychodrama methods in the individual therapy situation. The client plays each role and engages in a dialogue by moving back and forth between the two chairs. From each chair, the client speaks directly to the imagined person/entity in the empty chair.

Polarity Work/Topdog/Underdog: two-chair work concerning a split (polarity) in the person’s character. The most common being topdog/underdog. The topdog is your inner dictator who tells you what you should do. The underdog plays the victim/rebel and schemes to thwart and avoid doing as the topdog demands.

...or if that's too arty-farty what about a cost/benefit analysis?

If I'll do what I want to do, I won't achieve what I want to achieve.
And if I'll do what I don't want to do, it's possible I'll achieve what I want to achieve.
And achieve I wish for the better of all not myself.
Do I wish to give up myself? That is a serious psychological problem I'm having, and the gears are turning: in my brain, my flesh, age, this world, time and space.

If you put yourself in a situation where you compromise your sense of self/self-worth then there are some likely outcomes:

1) You'll re-define and re-discover whom you are (this only works if you really want it).
2) You'll end up in a sanitarium.

If not doing what you want to do doesn't make 1) an overwhelming outcome then don't do it.

Thanks for the ideas.
At the moment I'm thinking really hard. And at the moment I almost wish to end up in a sanitarium,
almost wish to be a failure.

You see: In order to achieve what I wish, I need to do a well paying job so I can sponsor my long term artistic idea/project. I don't want to be dependant on other people's money, it could compromise the whole project.
A job what I'd like to do would give me enough just to survive, no expensive equipment, no costly books and research.
The problem is that I fear to lose my identity: my wishes, dreams, talent and creativity. The problem is to go into the crowd, come out of it and not lose myself in the process.
And beyond that I fear that I won't be able to integrate enough to do a well paying job. I have the education, but I don't share the same interests, an interest in what's happening around, an interest in a career or "happy life", I don't fit in and I don't know for how long I'll be able to play the threatre role that I do fit in.

In other words: I fear losing my message in the process of trying to communicate it.
But if I fail, someone else probably won't. It's worth trying anyway. I think. :)

2) You'll end up in a sanitarium.


Oh, Crunchy, I had to laugh, but in embarrassment.
He'll end up in a sanitarium? Like in a bathroom or toilette?
You must mean sanatorium ...
:D

Avatar,


Can you think of a middle way?



I can relate to your problem. I too, first started out with studying law, but gave up. I took it up "for the money", so as to be able to pursue my other goals, but this kind of motivation didn't last long, and was wearing me out. And I also just didn't fit in with all those angry and anxious achievers.
I was facing great misery at law school, and at what immediately followed, I was very unhappy, I even became ill. It forced me to rethink my priorities, change my goals.

Many external goals are connected to needing a lot of money. And if you have to earn it yourself, that can be a terrible price to pay -- and then even if you do achieve that goal, it can happen that it won't make you happy at all, but just the opposite.
In my experience, it was better to lower my goals, focus on seeking happiness inside.



I hope and wish you'll find a way that works for you.

Well, in my case I took up law, not only because of money (actually I didn't think much about money then, I didn't need it), but also because I like it, I like exercising my mind and putting it as challenge against others, it keeps me sharp. I still do like it. The real problem is that I don't like the environment it is applied in - too much dishonesty, politics and games with people's lives.

My plan (sort of) is for law to carry me as far as I can become self sufficient just with my art project (donations), if it takes off. If it doesn't - I may find me in a hole.

Thank you for the well wishes!

I like exercising my mind and putting it as challenge against others, it keeps me sharp. I still do like it. The real problem is that I don't like the environment it is applied in - too much dishonesty, politics and games with people's lives.

Yes, that is the problem.
This is why I took interest in philosophy, and then Buddhism.
But then the desire for mental challenge changed, transformed ...
These things can be very very unpredictable.





:)

The desire turned inwards against yourself, yes? Challenging yourself. Your mind against and for yourself. If so, then I understand and know.

Law is a game I can play and not take it seriously, but other players and their desires sometimes really frustrate me.

A job I'd like to do would be to gather herbs and medicine plants or be a forest warden. Not enough gold coins to buy the stuff I need though. I have thought everything over and there really is no other way to do what I wish without a well paying job.

I could have a happy, but unfulfilled life gathering plants
or I can take up the challenge and try to make it enjoyable and fulfilling. It all runs down to my abilities and weaknesses. A grand challenge. It excites and scares me at the same time.

Sorry about the rambling, but I need to sort out my mind. Putting it 'on paper' works for me.

Thanks for the ideas.
At the moment I'm thinking really hard. And at the moment I almost wish to end up in a sanitarium,
almost wish to be a failure.

You see: In order to achieve what I wish, I need to do a well paying job so I can sponsor my long term artistic idea/project. I don't want to be dependant on other people's money, it could compromise the whole project.
A job what I'd like to do would give me enough just to survive, no expensive equipment, no costly books and research.
The problem is that I fear to lose my identity: my wishes, dreams, talent and creativity. The problem is to go into the crowd, come out of it and not lose myself in the process.
And beyond that I fear that I won't be able to integrate enough to do a well paying job. I have the education, but I don't share the same interests, an interest in what's happening around, an interest in a career or "happy life", I don't fit in and I don't know for how long I'll be able to play the threatre role that I do fit in.


Because the human brain is imperfect, we're bound to make an error in choices. All you can do is minimize risks with anything new. I forgot who said this but, "there is no shame in defeat, only in not trying."

Avatar:

If you can lose yourself, yourself was never worthy of being kept.

What you are here met with is a simple question of value. What do you value more? Your artistic aspirations? Or not pursuing money?

Moreover, what about the pursuit of some money would make you lose yourself and/or your talents? I have done many things for money in my life and have never lost a part of myself that I valued in the process.

If you cannot force your dreams to come true even after a period of getting funds, then you never deserved to create it in the first place. Let your will be as a sledge shattering the solid block of stone set before your future.

Make a decision.

It's not just about art, but about the way of life: dynamic or peaceful. I'm not sure which I want more.
But you're right, if I can't come out clean, I never was worthy in the first place.
And it's not that I doubt myself that much, it's just the wish to avoid doing something very unpleasant. Even Jesus didn't want to be nailed at the cross, it's just the human quality in me.

A WISE MAN.... once said... 'just do it'... IF YOU EXCPECT IT TO GET DONE..

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY...

IF YOUR WAITING FOR ANOTHER MAN TO DO IT... YOU'LL BE WAITING A LONG TIME.

-MT

Oh, Crunchy, I had to laugh, but in embarrassment.
He'll end up in a sanitarium? Like in a bathroom or toilette?
You must mean sanatorium ...
:D

Hhahaha, this word is stupid.

sanitarium

n : a hospital for recuperation or for the treatment of chronic diseases [syn: sanatorium, sanatarium]

Maybe go for a job more in line with your art passion? In the world of computers, there are tons of art-jobs... some of them paying very well (I don't think as much as a lawyer).

It's not just about art, but about the way of life: dynamic or peaceful. I'm not sure which I want more.
But you're right, if I can't come out clean, I never was worthy in the first place.
And it's not that I doubt myself that much, it's just the wish to avoid doing something very unpleasant. Even Jesus didn't want to be nailed at the cross, it's just the human quality in me. It sounds a very difficult dilemma Avatar, and only you can make the choice. What is your gut feeling? Is there a neutral friend or mentor you can discuss it with? Perhaps there is no right and wrong answer.

Good luck, whichever you choose. ;)

Well I found myself this whole morning and afternoon yet again searching for books and information concering the dynamic choice, so I guess my unconsciousness has already made the choice. :) heh

Oh, and it's not some crazy new idea, I've been doing my research in that area for some years now.
Peace is good, but it is no adventure. Active research and creative application of it, it's worth the price, but it shocked me for a while nevertheless.

Thanks for the help, all, I've made my choice.

May the transition that you have to make be kind and smooth.


:)

hahaha, thanks, that reminded me of a sentence I read a few weeks ago in a book "Darkest hour", where a shaman tells something similar as a farewell to the spirits of the dead celts he had called to his aid.

Avatar:

"And it's not that I doubt myself that much, it's just the wish to avoid doing something very unpleasant. Even Jesus didn't want to be nailed at the cross, it's just the human quality in me. "

Cold feet are to be expected when faced with something that may be considered unpleasant, but it is also often the case that we over exaggerate how terrible a thing may be, by virtue that we humans are prone to expecting the worse. Consider this when you truly contemplate your decision on both sides.

But I am glad that you see that it is within your power to do what you feel is best and all failures or successes will depend on that. Keep that also in mind, and you should undoubtably do what is best for you whatever the case may be.

"Thanks for the help, all, I've made my choice. "

Because I am a nosey bastard, what choice did you make?

In very practical and recent terms that means that I ordered more books for my research from Amazon.co.uk and applied for a job.

The other practical choice would have been renting a room in deep countryside and gathering herbs and flowers for medicine teas.

Avatar:

You are into herbology? I dabble in that a bit myself. Quite cool. But yes, good luck in your endeavours.