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A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!":D
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me that I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
-------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-------------------------------------
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."
The Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the
zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street
performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags
him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the
zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has
died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime
a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can
get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and
he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a
mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of
him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He
begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across
a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good
attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime
keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger,
and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round
and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both
fired?"
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to a chicken.
This is so true.:D
Me -vs- Da Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow. When
your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your
boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When
your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority. When your boss does
the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're
being rude. When your boss skips a few rules,
he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering
around. When your boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always
sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must
be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going
for an interview. When your boss applies for
leave, it's because he's overworked.
Meet me halfway
Joe found himself in serious financial trouble.
He was desperate he decided to pray to God for
help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins
it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win
the lottery! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of
luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always
been a good person and loyal to you and the church.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let
me win the lottery this one time so I can get
my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe
falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes
from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me
halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."
Name that toilet paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet
papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a
bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her,
"We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager
and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off
anybody!"
[QUOTE=KilljoyKlown;2853015]Name that toilet paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet
papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a
bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her,
"We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager
and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off
anybody!"[/QUOTE]
:eek: [IMG]http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrrk60Ij2JfyPLGvqf6xlBbYLptSr62-2KrB_N7GQ5sUFutx4YUI-SwTZA[/IMG]
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2853018]:eek: [IMG]http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrrk60Ij2JfyPLGvqf6xlBbYLptSr62-2KrB_N7GQ5sUFutx4YUI-SwTZA[/IMG][/QUOTE]
Ouch!:D
I can just envision the reaction if one were to reach for the tissue and see [B][I]THIS....[/I][/B]
[IMG]http://www.fototime.com/%7BF2F3E3D8-B5B1-4CC7-874A-AB248E3CD26B%7D/picture.JPG[/IMG]
Some Things You Can't Understand
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting hammered. A man came in and asked the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some
things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the
man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting
by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied
it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it
to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore
rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail
to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . .
Some things you just can't explain."
[IMG]http://files.kavefish.com/pictures/toilet_paper_fucked.jpg[/IMG]
[QUOTE=Hellenologophobia;2853111][IMG]http://files.kavefish.com/pictures/toilet_paper_fucked.jpg[/IMG][/QUOTE]
LOL.....,
Not I, good fellow, for the first rule in using a facility is to be certain one has an emergency tissue on their person. :D
Additionally, I have learned to check the tissue supply on hand before committing myself to an uncompromising situation.
[IMG]http://www.toxel.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/toiletpaper05.jpg[/IMG]
(Do you think KJ is getting annoyed yet, lol......? We are TP'ing his thread!)
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2853131]LOL.....,
Not I, good fellow, for the first rule in using a facility is to be certain one has an emergency tissue on their person.
Additionally, I have learned to check the tissue supply on hand before committing myself to an uncompromising situation.
[/QUOTE]
Too much information. [url=http://www.mysmiley.net][img]http://serve.mysmiley.net/winking/winking0001.gif[/img][/url]
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2853131](Do you think KJ is getting annoyed yet, lol......? We are TP'ing his thread!)[/QUOTE]
Probably. :D
What was that?
[B][SIZE="3"][URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJCuz3J8Y-w"]Morgan Freeman Talks About...Toilet Paper[/URL][/SIZE][/B]
Never fear you will find something to use.:D
[B][SIZE="3"][URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChkAdoNwSn0"]I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER!!![/URL][/SIZE][/B]
Manly Communication
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog crap, 20 feet."
Only a year to live
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After
the man explained his situation, he asked his
pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late
'70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said
the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old
trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live
longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
time you do have seem like forever."
Larry goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,
but I need to ask for something different."
"Go ahead ask me." "You know last year you
suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife
was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested
Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ." "And the year before that I went
to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes." "Well! Could you suggest something cheaper
this year so that I can bring her with me?"
But KJ.......
I'm not done with you yet. :D
[IMG]http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6119/6296326290_841767718a.jpg[/IMG]