[QUOTE=visceral_instinct;2843740]Sorry. I don't understand...?[/QUOTE]
She used the 35,000. on the man that was laying because he was so good with her so she had nothing left for her expensive funeral. ;)
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[QUOTE=visceral_instinct;2843740]Sorry. I don't understand...?[/QUOTE]
She used the 35,000. on the man that was laying because he was so good with her so she had nothing left for her expensive funeral. ;)
[QUOTE=visceral_instinct;2843740]Sorry. I don't understand...?[/QUOTE]
As cosmic explained, the old girl was so impressed by her sexual encounter with the lawyer that she decided to forgo the expensive funeral, and let the county bury her for free instead. ;)
It was a rather convoluted joke, to be sure.
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2843805]... It was a rather convoluted joke, to be sure.[/QUOTE]It might have been more clear if the lawyer had told his wife to pick him up next week (instead of "tomorrow"). There was $35,000 still left after his first night of service to her at $5,000 per night - the old lady was entitled to seven nights more at the agreed $5k /night.
[QUOTE=Billy T;2844052]It might have been more clear if the lawyer had told his wife to pick him up next week (instead of "tomorrow"). There was $35,000 still left after his first night of service to her at $5,000 per night - the old lady was entitled to seven nights more at the agreed $5k /night.[/QUOTE]
I took it to mean $5,000 per orgasm and the lawyer was going to get it all in one night, because she decided that was better than spending the money after her death.:D
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?"
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on hisface and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
As you may observe, I am a woman with a sense of humor. :D
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
...
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme..
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
[IMG]http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6254%5fAH9ck0UAAL7qTqdW0AqvyVTPKR0&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1[/IMG]
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2844073]Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?"
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on hisface and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."[/QUOTE]
:bravo:
(Short) Men Jokes Part 1
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
(Short) Men Jokes (part two)
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Men also have a sense of humor.:D
It all started with an iPhone...
My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.
I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.
My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.
My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.
It was around that time the fights started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
iHurt
[CENTER][SIZE="3"]Happy Halloween!
[url]http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf[/url][/SIZE][/CENTER]
A recent survey has discovered that one in three people is just as fucking stupid as the other two.
How'd u guys make those smileys?
[QUOTE=Dywyddyr;2844800]A recent survey has discovered that one in three people is just as fucking stupid as the other two.[/QUOTE]
Do you care to express that as a percentage or a ratio? :D
[QUOTE=Nobody;2844806]How'd u guys make those smileys?[/QUOTE]
There is a 'Go Advanced' button or the 'Preview Post' button below where you enter your message. This gives you more options for your message, including the Smilies.
The following is an inserted image.
[IMG]http://files.turbosquid.com/Preview/Content_2010_12_03__03_08_39/smilies3.jpg86daed7b-3623-4c30-94ef-6b1b227f30a6Larger.jpg[/IMG]
Thanks
Why men are not allowed to write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Reply
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
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