A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." :o
[B]Potentially and Realistically[/B]
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,...we're living with two Sluts and a
[QUOTE=vslayer]that last one af randolfos was jsut plain stupid. [SIZE=2]no americans have ever bothered to do that, why wolud they do it when their lives are actually in danger[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
its a typical American joke
1) most people think the media is left-wing biased
2) most military types feel that no one will stick up for them
3) most Americans assume that they can out fight anyone
4) its a joke
[CENTER]An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her." [/CENTER] :p
a chicken laughs at the image of a cat falling into a pool. Morale: Cocks love wet pussy :)
Aman driving home late at night passes a small store with the neon sign blinking "Open 24 Hours". The man continues on for a while then remembers he's out of beer. He turns around and parks by the store. He meets the store owner who has just locked the door and starting to walk away. The man said,"Hey, I'd like to get a six pack of Coors."
The owner replied, "Sorry sir, but I'm closed."
"But the sign says your open '24 hours'",said the man.
"Sure", said the owner,"but not in the same day."
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Keeping the wheelchair still!
Just emailed to me:
[B]Subject: the differences[/B]
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, and more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty . . . scumballs!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled?
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger?
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, _expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women!
a man is on the secound floor of his house and the town is flooding so a man comes along in a boat and says hey mister do you need to be saved? the man replies no im waiting for god...so now the man is on his roof and he sees another boat...the man asks if he needs saving but the guy on his roof says no im waiting for god...bynow the man is on his chimney and he sees a helicopter and the pilot asks if he needs saving but the man says no im waiting for god...so the man drowns and when he gets to heaven he says "god i waited for you why didnt you save me"
so god replies "what do you exspect i sent two boats and a helicopter"
my mom taught me the ethics of time travel
"if you dont straiten up im going to knock you into next week"
This was just sent to me:
A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was: "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to
use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!" "
[B]A burglar[/B] broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered. :p
[B]LETTERS OF SPOUSAL UNDERSTANDING[/B]
To My Dear Wife
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.
[COLOR=Blue] When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table............[/COLOR]
My Dear Husband,
I received your fax & thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman & with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.
Eighteen goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow! :p
a boy walks into his dads room and asks 'dad what's the difference between potentially and reality?' so his dad replies 'go ask your brother and sisters if they would sleep with a celebrity for a million dollars.' so the boy goes into his sister's room he asks 'would you sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars?' His sister replies 'well he's kind of cute... so yea i guess i would.' he sais thank you and leaves... he walks into his othr sisters room and asks ' would you sleep with mel gibson for a million dollars?' she answered 'well hes pretty sexy so yea i guess i would.' he sais thank you and leaves then he walks into his brothers room and asks him if he would sleep with george clooney for a million dollars... his brother sais 'well... he's good looking i guess and i'd be getting money out of it so yea i guess i would...' he thanks his brother and leaves and returns to his dads room... his dad asks 'so did you find the difference yet?' the boy sais ' yea potentially we have three million dollars but in reality we have two ho's and a fag.'
this was just sent to me,
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. She decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly "Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[B]Dedicated to my Australian mates![/B] :)
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she could shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give it to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN :p
Subject: Short Story
Subject: Short Story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words
as possible. The short story had to contain the following three
There was but one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story (scroll):
Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?
[B]A Medical Warning[/B]
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.
Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.
The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.
[B]The Three Little Pigs[/B]
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
I laughed to death when I read this site