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One day in a mental hospital, a doctor paid a visit to the hospital's swimming pool, which was emptied at that moment. While watching most of the patients either hanging out near the pool or jumping into it, the doctor saw a patient crouching in the corner. So the doctor came and asked the patient: "Why didn't you go swimming like the others?" The patient answered: "Doc, it's cold in there."
To those who are married. Take note!!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
Husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe
And goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
Him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup
Of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
Deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and
Takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear", she whispers as she
Steps into the room. "Why are you down here at
This time of night"?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you
Remember 20 Years ago when we were dating, and
You were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
Husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do!"
She replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming
Easily. "Do you remember when your father caught
Us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself
Into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.......
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
Face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or
I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He
Wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
[COLOR=Red]just got this in an email[/COLOR]
*****
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he /she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1.. To make an appointment to see me.
2.. To query a missing payment.
3.. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8.. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
~ written by a 96 year old woman.
A Thinking Woman
For Women Who Enjoy Reading :
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that
obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up.
"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game
warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
What is green and slimey?
Green slime.
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' :bugeye:
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'" :p
just got this text which will make anyone with a shred af knowledge about NZs immigrtaion policies crack up.
a massive 8.0 earthquake has just samoa, 20,000 are reported dead. USA is preparing to send $23,000,000 aid and supplies. NZ is preparing to send 20,000 replcament samoans :p
RACIST JOKE
Why do black people have nightmares?
We killed the only one with a dream.
So wrong, but so funny as logn as you aren't a PC freak.
-Dan
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The Doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. 'Look,' said the doctor, 'there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses.' 'I know,' agreed the blonde, 'But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.' :rolleyes:
An Irish factory owner was unsure about the exact sum he needed to pay in an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
Calling her into his office he said, "You went to University didnīt you, well I need some help. If I were to give you EUR 20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." :p
Just emailed to me:
[B]Subject: FW: "Irish Daughter"
Date: Mon, 6 Jun 2005 06:56:54 -0700[/B]
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million Euros. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Her Father says, "Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
:D Good, very good :p :m:
I cant swim, and i cant drive, i was taking driving lessons, but then a thought occured to me, so i stopped, i thought what happens if im driving along and i crash into a lake??!:)
[QUOTE=Microzoft]President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related
to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile
and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss.[/QUOTE]
HAHA that was so stupid and not funny...
just emailed to me:
[QUOTE][SIZE=2]The husband dies. He had $75,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, the widow
tells her closest friend that there is none of the $75,000 left.
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a
donation to the church...that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$52,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four carats."[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[B]Medical Miracles [/B]
At a recent AMA convention, three doctors were
discussing their toughest cases.
The first doctor described how a patient had been
brought into the ER with seven
of his ten fingers blown off while setting off
fireworks. "I sewed them all
back on, connected all the relevant nerves, and now
he's a concert pianist."
The second doctor said if you think that's something,
listen to this. "I had a guy
who lost an arm and both legs in a sky-jumping
accident. I reconnected everything
and now he's an olympic runner."
The third doctor said if you think that was tough,
here's a real challenge. "I was
at a rodeo in Texas when a huge bull went berserk. By
the time he was finished all
they could recover was a horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
After working for hours,
I put everything back together and now he's in the
White House!" :p
[B]CONFESSION[/B]
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't you start that sh*t again." :D
gud 1!!
I'm an alcholic- where's the fuckin' toilet
Pass the hot dog (Bizarre, aren't you Islamic?)
Bitch shut your fuckin' mouth
I'ma keep eating 'till Richard Simmonds comes to my house
with a chainsaw to cut me out (my house, my house)
Aww fuck your wife- I had sex since I met her
Too busy fuckin' your twelve year old baby sitter (ha ha ha)
And all women ain't SHIT
Only good for cooking cleaning and sucking dick- And that's it (I said it)
I'm responsible for killing John Candy
Got JonBennet Ramsey in my '98 Camry (she's lost)
I don't give a fuck who you are
I'll shit on anybody
Truly yours- The Idoitic Bizarre