Jokes and Funny Stories

[COLOR=orangered] Got this in an email[/COLOR]

Date: Wed, 21 May 2003 14:44:58 -0400

[b]An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."



Time stopped.

The bear froze.



The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."[/b]


[COLOR=orangered]Heard this with a lion as the animal in the punchline, years earlier[/COLOR]

An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not." :rolleyes:

I
am
sofa
king
we
tard
ed

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...........

"Hello - we're all down here..........."
:bugeye:

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching the town of Laranfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said.....,

"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
:o

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

They had nothing to wipe with, so one of them decided to take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

:p

i didn't bother reading all the posts so Im not sure if this has been told..

There were 5 people flying in an airplane when it starts to lose control. They are all trying to figure out who should get 1 of the 4 parachutes. The first person is Tiger Woods and he said, well I am the best golfer and I definately deserve a parachute so he takes one and jumps out. The second person is George Bush and he says, well I am the president of the United States and I have a country to run and so he jumps out of the airplane with a parachute. The third person is Hillary Clinton and she said, I am going to be the first female president and I am very famous and with that she jumps on out. The fourth is a very old man who turns to this little girl and says, I have lived my life and seen many things, You are a young student and have a lot of life left to experience, please take the last parachute. The little girl says, that is okay, Hillary Clinton took my backpack from me and jumped.

Two cowboys are out on the range, talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"

"Well," the first cowboy replied, "it's where you get
your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind,
and then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your
hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like
your sisters' ...and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds!"
:p

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
lol.

Emailed on:
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 21:40:15 -0400


****************************************************
Subject: $100 DOLLARS

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing
happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they
decided to
send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the
little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to
be a lot
of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

************************************************


Subject: Kermit Jagger the Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her name
plate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack,
I'd like to
get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog
in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger,
his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he
has
anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager
and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit
Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)





(are you sure?)





(you're gonna hate me!)





The bank manager looks back at her and says
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

COME ON . . . SMILE. IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

[url]http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/[/url]

So this local businessman is hiring to fill a position in his office. He puts a sign in front of the store that says "Help needed! Must have excellent typing skills and knowledge of computers! Bilingual is a must! We are an equal opportunity employer"

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type
out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager
and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent
dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Has everyone heard of the grocery store named Safeway. It is like a shop n save i guess. and now for the joke.

How do you fit an elephant inside a safeway bag?


you ready:


Take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way.


Say it out loud. You know you want to:

There's no F in way.

thats clever

This came in an email from Atlanta:
-------------------------------------------

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.



1.) HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.



2.) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"



3.) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."



4.) JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lannter.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner."



5.) BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.

Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."



6.) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."



7.) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.

Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."



8.) BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."



9.) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."

Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"



10.) RANCH - (noun)- tool used for tight'nin' bolts.

Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."



11.) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."



12.) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."



13.) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."



14.) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."



15.) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.

Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."



16.) FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."



17.) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."



18.) CHEER - (adverb) In this place.

Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".



19.) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.

Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."



20.) DID - (adjective) - Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."



21.) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.

Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"



22.) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."



23.) JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.

Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"



24.) HAZE a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?"

"Nah .... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."



25.) SEED -(verb) - past tense of "to see".

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City".



26.) VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"



27.) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

10) The water-proof towel
9) Solar powered flashlight
8) Submarine screen door
7) A book on how to read
6) Inflatable dart board
5) A dictionary index
4) Ejector seat in a helicopter
3) Powdered water
2)Pedal-powered wheel chair
...And the #1 Blonde Invention is...
The Water-proof tea bag
:rolleyes:

[COLOR=royalblue]
> > > > Question 1:
> > > >
> > > > If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
> > > > three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
> > > > had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? [/COLOR]
> > > >
> > > >[b] Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. [/b] [COLOR=orangered]
> > > > Question 2:
> > > >
> > > > It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
> > > > Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
> > > >
> > > > Candidate A -
> > > >
> > > > Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
> > > > astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks
> > > > 8 to 10 martinis a day.
> > > >
> > > > Candidate B -
> > > >
> > > > He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
> > > > in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
> > > >
> > > > Candidate C
> > > >
> > > > He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
> > > > drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, [/COLOR]
> > > >
> > > > [b]no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. [/b]
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
>
> > > >
> > > > [b]ANSWERS [/b]
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > [COLOR=orangered]
> > > > Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. [/COLOR]
> > > > [COLOR=royalblue]
> > > >
> > > > And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
> > > >
> > > > If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
> > > >
> > > > [/COLOR]
> > > >
> > > >[COLOR=teal]Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Never be afraid to try something new. Remember:
> > > >
> > > > Amateurs built the ark.
> > > >
> > > > Professionals built the Titanic [/COLOR]
> > > >
> > > > [COLOR=deeppink]
> > > > Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
> > > >
> > > > 500 employees and has the following statistics:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > *29 have been accused of spousal abuse
> > > > * 7 have been arrested for fraud
> > > > * 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
> > > > * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
> > > > * 3 have done time for assault
> > > > * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
> > > > * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
> > > > * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
> > > > * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
> > > > * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
> > > >
> > > > Can you guess which organization this is?
> > > > [/COLOR]
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > [b]Give up yet? [/b]
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > [COLOR=deeppink]
> > > > It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
> > > >
> > > > of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
> > > >
> > > > keep the rest of us in line. You gotta pass this one on.
>
>
> [/COLOR]

You never answered the 1st question:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Answer: If so, she would have aborted Beethoven. Right?

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"
:p

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
:D