Jokes and Funny Stories

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes
:p

For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.:rolleyes:

1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.

2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing. :p

- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank. :p

1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

12. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

13. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

14. Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
:D

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says to the other blonde, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."
:rolleyes:

A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.:p

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitresswalks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street andthere was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of thestreet. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
:rolleyes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."

:p :o

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one tin of beans

* one bag of crisps

* one pack of burgers

* one tub of icecream

* one cake

* one yoghurt

* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The girl replies: "You're an ugly bastard."
:p

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.

The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."
:rolleyes:

This wagon train is heading across the desert, when all of a sudden the wagon master notices that on all sides of the valley, there are Indian guys. He quickly forms the wagons into the "Hollywood" circle, to protect the families in the train. Nothing happens. Soon, drums are heard pounding out in the distance, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum.......(the famous Hollywood drumbeat from the John Ford movies) The wagon master tells the train, "I don't like the sound of this...." From out in the distance comes another voice, saying, "We don't like the sound of it either. He's not our regular drummer!" :p

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
:rolleyes:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.
:rolleyes:

very good micro:D ;)

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Microzoft [/i]


11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

[/QUOTE]

i dont get it:bugeye:

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by the E.M.T [/i]
[B]i dont get it:bugeye: [/B][/QUOTE] It implies that women slow down to the point of stopping for any little curious happening, and extreme observation would be to stop the car do some bone stretching while observing the incident.[IMG]http://forum.metalstorm.ee/YaBBImages/smilies/sleep.gif[/IMG]

this is really sad/pathetic:-

i know an old grandmother who died in her youth.

hehn hehn hehn (guffaws uproriously).

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Microzoft [/i]
[B]It implies that women slow down to the point of stopping for any little curious happening, and extreme observation would be to stop the car do some bone stretching while observing the incident.[IMG]http://forum.metalstorm.ee/YaBBImages/smilies/sleep.gif[/IMG] [/B][/QUOTE]

Ooooooooo ok i get it now:o

There are 4 people sharing a car in a train - a beautiful, sexy young woman, a rather over-ripe elderly lady, an American man, and a Canadian man.

They're making polite small talk when the train goes through a tunnel. All you can hear in the darkness is a huge *SMACK!*. When they come out the other side, the American is rubbing the side of his face which is all red.

The American man things "Damn, that Canadian fool must have grabbed that young woman, and she slapped me thinking I'd done it."

The beautiful, sexy young woman things "Damn, that stupid American must have tried to feel me up, missed, groped that old woman instead, and she must have slapped him for it."

The over-ripe elderly lady things "Damn, that stupid American must have groped that young lady in the darkness, and she must have slapped him for it."

The Canadian man thinks "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that American again!":p