Didn't know where else to put this.
Didn't know where else to put this.
[QUOTE=adoucette;2896030]Didn't know where else to put this.
LOL I wonder how well Kyle Williams jerseys are selling after that punt return :D
Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
[B][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="3"]Learning to Cuss[/SIZE][/FONT][/B]
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands
would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round. :D
Around 1930 somewhere in California, it was October 31st, the teachers in the area told all the students "do not go into the graveyard tonight." Well that gave all the students the idea to go into the graveyard in the first place. That night when the kids were all walking around the graveyard (which happens to be on a hill) some one yelled "the cops are here!" and all the kids started scattering off the hill. Well my great uncle was one of those kids and as he ran down the hill he didn't quite make it around a corner and he slammed into a pipe fence. His moans and howling were so pain filled and disturbing sounding that everyone (including the police) got the hell out of there! LOL
A man entered a pharmacy to buy condoms, the pharmacist asked, "would you like a bag with that" he said, "No, she's not that ugly" :D
[QUOTE=scheherazade;2897317]While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands
would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round. :D[/QUOTE]
LOL, kinda like this?
Here's a post to improve the 'comfort level' for men, lol....
Rules for Women (According to Men)
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a
great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact,
constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all
our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.
Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us"
and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking
out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you
want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are
always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good
sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan.
Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to
a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never,
ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us
and only add to our discomfort.
So true lol
[B][FONT="Tahoma"][SIZE="3"][U]This looks like a joke to me, hope you all enjoy it.[/U][/SIZE][/FONT][/B]
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!
Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this......a proper decision by the courts...for a change.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, " Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Good one, KJ.
Glad to see that you are maintaining a modest presence while you are recovering. Have you grown tired of soup yet? :)
What's the update on your mobility or lack thereof, and any other tests for your heart irregularity as yet, or is that pending later in your recovery? I may have missed this info if you previously posted it....:confused:
Killjoy, that reminds me so much of the whole John 3:16 thing back a few weeks ago lol
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
And sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, sir. '
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely..... .
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '
The only thing worse than people who tailgate
are those people who won't get out of my way
when I get right behind them.:D
While planning our trip to Europe,
my husband looked after our passports.
I was surprised to read on our application forms that
his hair color was silver, mine was grey.
Note: Sounds right to me.:D
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1961 vs. 2011
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack..
1961 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1961 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Jeffrey will not sit still in class, he disrupts other students.
1961 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman..
2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2011 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1961 - Ants die..
2011 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Cannibal cooking class
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal
says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender
missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em,
I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even
tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem
to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary
do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that
hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
the waist and their sort of bald on top with
a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are